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"I find it hard to believe in myself"

Hello. I find it hard to believe in myself although I integrated much of an abuse experience and developed creatively and academically to quite an extent.

I became a composer and allegory writer and I know I can be sure of what comes from my inner self and the Truth of it. I know I can rely on the sound and dance inside of me but still I find myself anti people, depressed and anxious when in my better moments I feel I could compose loving songs to the people I fear the most.

I am fairly well in touch with Spirit. I received the assurance that I could bank on the sounds I play and express, learn to love much (like my heart enveloped in a white flame) but in each encounter I have I cry and suffer something terrible. I keep going into child rape too and my counsellor says that other people do that to me. I must admit though that I do set myself up as a fall guy and that I approach well meaning people with hostility and blame. I dropped a blackened and twisted sword at church recently and understood that I did my own dirty fighting. Other people are responding according to their injuries and traumas, and my accusations and blame.

That is not love is it? I really would love much and create harmony for myself and others knowing we all walk the same journey. If I could do this I am positive I would then receive the Light that is beaming down on the world.

Would you let me have an address to mail my donation to you as I have no credit card. Thank you for the spiritual service you give.


Hi - what showed up for you was unusual. My information said that you have a virus in your system that got created from an ancestral core belief that has to do with integrating sexuality and spirituality in love relationships. There are some issues regarding bonding going on with this - the ability to bond and to create balanced workable relations got distorted in your family lineage around 7 generations ago on your mother's side, and this distortion got manifested as a virus. It needs to be taken out of your system.

The way to do this is through a technique called sponsoring, which is related to radionics - it is a way of changing an inharmonious vibrational frequency in the body back to the right harmonious pattern, and it is activated by asking for a certain vibrational rate or pattern to come into your being and rebalance your energy. All you do is read the following twice a day for 2 weeks, but on your part you must be willing to open to this change in frequency in your vibrational pattern - to strongly and powerfully ask for and allow the change. Here is what you say:

"I ask for a refill of the Creator's Consciousness and Energies: 111.10 health patterns; 110.76 Healing rates below 89.9; 59.93 future patterns; 59.71 past patterns; 60.834 personality, healing, and love, wisdom, justice, and personal freedom (67.105), equality, awareness, patience, tolerance, integrity (55.075), inspiration (87.724), appreciation (88.174), will power (119.475). "

What also showed up that would be good for you is to do a grounding exercise twice a day for 6 weeks, morning and evening. There is a lack of grounding showing up for you. This is what you do:

You imagine a silver cord coming down though the top of your head all the way down your spine and leaving your body at the coccyx, or tailbone, and going three feet into the earth. It will also help to visualize a glowing fire engine red color at the tail bone area, or first chakra, when the cord gets there, to that part, and then send the energy into the earth, three feet down.

It would be very, very helpful for you to do some healing work with a technique called Inner Natures Integration. It is fabulous, deep, healing work. Their website is You can read about this work and also check it for practitioners near you.

If you would like to, it would be useful for you to also take some flower essences. Flower essences are a very gentle healing therapy, and they restore emotional, mental, and spiritual balance. You can order them from the California Flower Essence Society. Their number is (530) 265-9163.

What you need to order is: (1) rescue remedy - take 4 drops under the tongue twice a day for 2 weeks, for shock all essences are put under the tongue; (2) dill, for assimilation of experience and stress - 2 drops, 3 times a day for 2 weeks; (3) mullein, for being true to oneself - 4 drops 3 times a day for 4 weeks; (4) rock water, for tolerance - 5 drops 5 times a day for 6 weeks; (5) sunflower, for social relationships and alienation - 6 drops 3 times a day for 2 weeks; (6) yerba santa, for releasing constricted feelings, painful or upsetting emotions; (7) California pitcher plant, for imbalances of the instinctual aspects of oneself and meeting the world with courage - 3 drops twice a day for 3 weeks.

This will help re-balance your system as well.

Many blessings. Ayal

next 92. "I'm struggling to find a sense of belonging in the world"

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