"Have I succeeded in calling back my lost spirit?"
You speak of "calling back your spirit" which was something I'd read in Caroline Myss's book, Anatomy of the Spirit. Fairly recently I asked out loud that any part of me, that was not in me, return home. Some time not long after, I had a vivid dream where this black shadow swooped around the walls of my room before finally entering me. As it entered me I awoke with a choking sensation. Not sure of what was happening at that time, I asked that I be protected by the white light, and went through a visualization in which I filled myself with white light. I went back to sleep and experienced another vivid dream ... in this dream I could see Angels, an angel at the shoulder of every person I met, and in this dream a force worked through me to paint these angels. My heart center filled with a warmth I hadn't felt in some time. I took this as a comforting, reassuring dream.
I'd like to know whether that shadow was really me, as I believe it most likely was ... although I feared at the time of the dream it was some sort of undesirable other. Also are you able to tell whether I have succeeded in calling all of me back? Is this in fact the calling back you refer to?
9 years ago I recovered memories of being raped at age 5, and feel that only now am I really beginning the process of healing. With Debbie Ford's and Caroline Myss's books I am seeing how limited I have been and slowly I am seeing the projections I put out on other people. I have begun sessions with a transpersonal therapist and already I've felt some of the tension release from the throat, then warmth in my heart, then a clamp on my heart, then movement to the throat again. I feel that I am learning that as I release these old memories and emotions, more is coming up from my body to my throat. Is this clearing the way in action?
Hi and thank you for your honest and beautiful letter. Well, as I asked what that shadow was, the answer I got was that it was a form of past negative programming that perhaps was becoming conscious for you. When we call our Spirit back, we are calling not the past, which is done already, but our life force energy which, as you felt later, is all light. I think whatever that shadow was, the light you called in diffused it. When you call your spirit back, you may want to set up a protection and intention that only that energy which is your true Spirit of unconditional love and life force energy return to you for your Highest Good. It would be good also to set up a white light around yourself before you begin which states this also. You can ask for guidance and protection from Great Spirit, the Creator, God, etc. That way you are very clear what your intention is and what you will only allow into your space. Lighting white candles is a good idea too, as they represent light and purity.
It sounds as if you are very sensitive to Spirit and energy, and are doing some great inner work, which is a wonderful thing. You have called about 50% of your spirit back - it is an ongoing process, and issues are unveiled to us, like layers to the onion, when we are ready to deal with it. You're doing just fine. Trust the timing. I know we all want to be fully healed and done with it, but we need to open gently to taking in more and more of our energy. It doesn't usually happen all at once, but comes when we are ready and have integrated and understood what we needed to, to move on to the next part of the journey. It is a process and an exciting journey. As you recognize that an issue is up and ready to be presented to you for healing, and you work through it, that is a time when you can call your spirit back to you as well.
The warmth you feel, that you mentioned, and the clamping down sensation is all energy, and when you feel it moving you are shifting it - so yes, you are definitely doing good work and "clearing the way" to get in touch with what's within. The warmth is, as you know, healing energy, and the clamping down is a place that is still closed and not yet ready to let the energy in. It's still protecting, and when you sense that, you know that you've moved into a place that still has some fear and wounding. When you come to a place that clamps down, or feels heavy, tight, tense, etc., you can very gently say to yourself, "I understand that there is some fear here", and just be with that sensation. Identify it without judgment. You just hang out with it in a compassionate way, being fully there and present with it - just gently focus on it. You can even say to yourself "This is a sensation of tightness", and you simply identify and name what it feels like, whatever the feeling is, such as "tight, tight."
As you calmly say what it is, you hang out with it until it changes. It will change, as all energy is constantly changing, and we can notice that if we are present with it to watch it and feel it without fear or judgment. Then you become present with what the next sensation is that it changes into. This is the wonderful Buddhist practice of Mindfulness and being present without judgment to whatever shows up in life, in a deeply compassinate way. Doing this allows it to shift, because we're not denying it or holding onto it, or trying to force it away, and it teaches compassion and non attachment.
Many blessings on your beautiful journey, Ayal