"I feel I have a barrier around myself"
My question is why can't I have an intimate, well, any relationship with a man. At times I feel so desperate to be loved, to have someone to care for me and share things with. But I never feel attracted to someone or feel anyone is attracted to me. And if anyone shows any interest, I panic and want to hide. Part of me feels I couldn't cope with a relationship and am ok on my own, but when I see everyone else with someone it feels lonely and I feel a freak. I suffer low self-esteem but even though I'm getting help for that and my confidence has increased I still feel scared of letting anyone in, I feel I have a barrier around myself. Why does everyone else seem able to let someone in whilst I just can't seem to get over this phobia/fear thing? I feel I'm destined to be alone. I'm 30 and I feel I'll be alone for ever because I can't get over this thing and I don't know how to. Please can you advise me.
Hi - well, what is showing up for you is that in a past life experience, you had the experience of others glomming onto you and draining off your energy, sort of in a parasitical way. You still carry the belief and the deep fear, I think, that if you get close to someone, this is what will happen again. No one wants to be sucked dry. That's terrifying, although it is our way of believing or perceiving life, that allows it to happen in the first place, yes?
What is still keeping this in place for you is that you are not grounded in your own energy. You allow others to take your energy by being too DEFENSELESS and too ungrounded. You are, in effect, too feminine, in a sort of erratic way. Your masculine and feminine energies aren't in balance, and it's hard to bring a man or the masculine energy into your life if that part of you is so weak that it doesn't have enough life force to attract that same energy back to you. As you are within, so it will be mirrored for you externally, in other words. You don't have the masculine on the inside, so how can you attract the masculine on the outside? It has to exist and be healthy internally, first, for you to create it in your life as a relationship. You're not "in relationship" with your masculine internally, in other words. That has to be established first. When a woman doesn't have her masculine energy in place in a balanced way, she can then become a too exaggerated feminine energy - too emotional, too spacey, too eratic, too mushy, too, well, lacking in the ability to assess situations properly because she has no immediate, assertive, masculine on-the-spot decision making ability within her to call upon.
Being too feminine in an out-of-balance way also means that you would easily give your energy and power and sense of self over to another, as women are natural givers and caretakers. But taken too far, that results in not having any boundaries or the appropriate assertive energy needed to be whole, that assertive, masculine energy that is so beautifully expressed by a strong man when he stands up for himself and backs someone off, if the energy isn't appropriate in some way. If you still carry the fear and belief that bringing a man into your life, or allowing someone to get close to you, will result in you getting your energy drained, or losing your Self, well, no wonder you don't attract it or want it on some level. You're not letting yourself, in other words, have or experience the masculine energy within yourself. You won't let it in, in the fear that it will take you over. Until you allow the proper balance of masculine and feminine energies to be carried within yourself, and you can call on the power of either energy when it is needed in any given situation, (which feels great, by the way!) you won't be whole or balanced. It would be hard to create anything externally then, resembling a healthy relationship, wouldn't it?
You need to strengthen your life force energy, and GET INTO YOUR OWN BODY in a strong way. I suggest that you get a lot of deep body work, massage, and rolfing to enable you to feel what it's like to fill up your own body with YOURSELF and your own POWER. Being around strong women who have a good balance of their masculine and feminine, and experiencing what that feels like, would be a very good thing for you, too. Any women's circles in your area? Ask to be guided to that balanced energy, to let it develop healthfully within you, and as you work with the re-balancing of your masculine and feminine energies, things will change for you.