"Why do I swing from overconfidence to feeling inadequate?"
I have a question for you; I would be interested in your perception of the causes for my predicament.
I have, since a child, been interested in taking things apart. Toys, machines, bikes, etc. I studied product design at university, gaining a first class degree and resulting in having a job interview at Lego for a job as a creative toy designer. However, although I have an unusual ability to design, I have not managed to focus myself properly. While at university, I experimented with a range of illegal drugs; cannabis, ecstasy, cocaine, LSD, even heroin. I also, was kicked out of the halls of residence. Similarly at school, I failed several subjects. Now in my job interview at Lego, I messed up by generally being cynical of the motives of the management and taking offence at the psychometric games that we were subjected to (the interview lasted 3 days and there were 20 students from around the world). The whole experience left me feeling dizzy and disorientated. I also told the head designer Ole Christiansen that I did not feel that I wanted to work there. I now regret many wasted opportunities in my life.
Why have I set myself back in all these ways, and why do I swing from bulging overconfidence to feelings of inadequacy and depression? I suffer from extreme anxiety and lack of confidence (although friends told me of my true ability) and was physically ill during my final year at uni. Plus I have abused a number of substances, including being a smoker and having sometimes drunk to excess. Surely, I have to identify what part of myself is causing me to do this, and stop. Your advice would be appreciated!
Hi - well, I think that what is going on here for you is that you have an incredible ability, as you said, to figure out how things work and to be able to put things together on the physical plane. However, what you haven't had is the spiritual awareness to balance this off. So, you're sort of stuck on a see saw with one end constantly up in the air and one end constantly down, and that balanced place in the center just doesn't happen. You need to arrive at an understanding of how things operate on the spiritual plane, too - to use that innate and wonderful ability you have to figure out (and live by) how things work on the spiritual level, which encompasses all the rest.
There is a lot going on here for you, and as I try to tune into you, I feel blocked to do so. This tells me that your energy really doesn't want, on some level, to be exposed. There is a deep fear going on for you that has you terrified to actually get to the root of these conflicts. You're afraid of what you will find. Each time I ask, I get a different answer as to what's going on, and it's as if your energy is leading me around in circles. Sort of like what you do to sabotage whatever it is you're engaged with. Because you know so well how to take things apart, you do this very well.
You've become a master at keeping things from getting too close to you. As soon as something begins to get close to you or to work for your benefit, then you realize, perhaps unconsciously, that you will not be in chaos or turmoil anymore, and if you're not in chaos, then you will have to slow down enough and stop running and to face your fears - to face yourself, in other words. And then, if you see that things are actually ok and working out for you, you will have to believe that life CAN work out for you, that you are ok and loved, in effect. And that is something you don't believe, right? Isn't that the core of this whole thing, if you get down to it? So, you keep yourself sabotaged and in chaos all the time. You following me?
We are either in Love or in Fear, when we break life down to the basic components of what's going on. You stay in fear. You're attached to being in that place, at this point, like an addiction. When we've operated out of a certain energy or pattern of behavior long enough, that is what happens. We get addicted to feeling that way without even knowing it. But, some part of you now does realize that you don't want that anymore, and so you are reaching out to find a way to break the loop. That's good!
Since fear is the absence of love, the place for you to begin is to start opening to the possibility that actually everything is all right in the universe - that you really ARE loved and that you CAN accept that. Then you can let it show up in your life - and things will be very different for you when you understand and accept that love actually does exist and does run the show. That is the spiritual awareness you lack but are seeking. You have believed for a long, long time that love does not exist for you. And if love does not exist, if you are not loved, well then things can never go right or work out, correct? Things will always be awful. You will always create getting the shaft somehow, the short end of the stick. And no matter what other external substances you try to dull the pain of that, or to get you feeling better, it won't work. You create it so that nothing works out for you. You sabotage it and then you feel awful, which confirms for you that belief - the belief that says that you are not worth loving, that things don't work out for you, that love, in effect, does not exist for you because you don't deserve it. Because you believe this deep down in your being, you create your world accordingly. This is what you've been terrified to face. You believe that it might be true - it might be true that you're not worth loving - so better not to go there and find out.
I think the core of this for you is that somewhere in your life, you believed that your love was not reciprocated or, as you interpreted it, returned to you. Sometime or other, something happened that caused you to believe this. What was it? What happened that made you think that you weren't good enough? Because of this, you decided that love could not exist for you, that you weren't worth being loved. When we don't feel we're good enough to be loved, we feel guilty because we think we are intrinsically, somehow, wrong, rotten, or bad. We misunderstand what is going on, and we come to believe, whether consciously or unconsciously, that if we were better somehow, we would have been loved. This can develop, as you can imagine, into all sorts of terror and confusion and distortions. If we can't believe that we're good enough to be loved, what do we have to stand on? Everything becomes quicksand, a great void, or a bottomless vaccuum. And that is how your life has felt, yes?
I think that the distortions for you also manifested as an attachment to competition and conflict. The see saw for you is that you are always trying to prove that you really are good enough, but to do that you have to also create conflict. In other words, competiton can only exist if there is a belief that you have to prove something - and you only have to prove something if you really, down deep believe that you're not ok. This belief, when projected outward, (instead of being looked at and understood as coming from an INTERNAL belief) has you think that there are people out there somewhere who don't believe you are good enough. So, you rebel against this "unfairness" and pain and hurt, as you see it, and get angry - but the anger is turned against yourself, and you get self destructive and sabotage whatever it is you are doing. It's sort of a reverse revenge kind of thing - by sabotaging yourself, you think that you're somehow punishing them for believing in you - It's as if you say: "See! You believed in me! Ha! I'm not worth believing in. I showed you how stupid you are for believing in me!! I know you don't REALLY believe in me because I'm not worth it! So I'll prove it to you!" And then you fail.
Even more than that, however, it's also a desperate way to try to be understood by giving others the same experience you are constantly having - you fail all the time, which hurts, so you give them the experience of failing because by hiring you or trusting you, they have also failed, because it doesn't work out. It's an unconscious way of trying to get people to see and understand what life feels like to you. It's like saying: "See! This is what I go through all the time. Isn't it awful?!! Now maybe you understand how it feels." But, in the end, what doesn't work is that you only keep hurting yourself.
You are hurt deep down for thinking for so long that you were not and are not loved - but your anger is really at yourself for believing that and for having to constantly continue to experience that. You feel victimized and helpless in the face of what appears to be the scorn or lack of love coming to you from others. But, the truth is, you yourself are the one who doesn't believe you are good enough. Somewhere, you lost the ability to love and believe in yourself, and so you keep creating situations where you fail or blow it, and those experiences, in effect, continue to tell you and "prove" to you that you're not good enough. A self fulfilling prophecy. And no matter what - if we don't love ourselves and think we're stupid or rotten in any way - we will project that out at others and think the same thing of them. Doesn't allow much room for good feelings or relationships to happen, does it? Just more failure and anger. Which then, of course, continues the "I'm not good enough to be loved" cycle. Got that? It's a vicious loop to be sure - but it's only a misunderstanding of Truth. This is a whole lot of deep information all at once, so you may want to take it a piece at a time and go over it bit by bit until it clicks in.
The truth is, Love is all there is - and the truth is, you ARE good enough. Do you think it's possible that your soul came in this time to really get an understanding of this, and that you had to create all of this other stuff, all of the distortions, and failures, etc, to get you there? To finally be able to say "This doesn't work, so I'm going to figure out what distortion and belief I'm operating out of and clear it up once and for all? I'm going to learn about Love - that it DOES exist, and I choose to believe that I AM worth Loving!" That's a pretty powerful purpose to fulfill this time around, don't you think?
Whatever you need to do to understand this and to re-frame your old belief in not-love is what you are, perhaps, really choosing to do. I am getting that doing some shamanic work, working with your medicine ally, or power animal, will be very useful for you. I invite you to contact the Foundation for Shamanic Studies and take their basic course. Also, there is an Aura-Soma product that will help. It's called Sanat Kumara and Lady Venus Kumara - a pale peach essence that teaches "as above, so below" - it helps to bring the divine into the everyday. You can order this from firstname.lastname@example.org. By using it, you'll bring that vibration into yourself.
Making a strong, heartfelt intention to Spirit that you are ready and willing and will allow this belief that you are not worth loving (which is the terrifying thing that you've been afraid to face because you were afraid it was true) to be released 100%, and to put in its place the belief that Love is all there is, and that you are worth loving - would be a VERY important thing to do.
Many blessings on your journey - Ayal