"I am confused, scared and cannot decide about my future"
I was amazed to find your site. I read a number of your replies and I felt that you may be able to help me with some insight regarding what I am presently going through. I am a 48 year old female who is unmarried and not in an intimate relationship. I have worked as a social worker/therapist for 17 years. I found out about 9 months ago that I had Hep C. I was in shock for a while and then I threw myself into learning everything I could about the dis-ease. I choose to do some alternative methods being afraid of the conventional treatment. However I have been running scared the whole time. I knew something major was taking place in my life and it terrified me. I was aware that a spirit-awakening change was beginning to come into my life and even though I was pulled towards it, I was terrified of it and what it would mean to my comfort zone. I moved across country I thought to be near family, they asked me to do so and I did. However I now realize the family I wanted to be near was not my birth family who have their own fear to deal with which does not allow them to truly welcome me. I met someone here who took me to a "lodge" and it felt like coming home. If I gain nothing else from this journey, I felt unconditional love for once in my life. Which is what the Creator offers us. There is a question I need an answer to, but I do not know what it is yet. If that makes any sense.
Part of me thinks I should move back to where I came from. The slower pace of life and the great natural beauty, I miss so much. Someone told me that if I went back it would no longer be the same. I do realize that because I am not the same person who left. I have been depressed since I have been here. Much grief and uncertainty but part of me believes my soul needed to be here or I would not have been drawn to take this journey. There was a love I left behind, this was someone I went to for professional help. We had a love develop between us. I did not act on it however, I knew it was hopeless. I had to be the one to let it go. I believe that a combination of issues influenced my decision to move out here. I am questioning my decision and trying to decide whether to cut my losses and move back to the nature paradise I left, or stay in this city with 3 million people, for now.
As you can tell from this e-mail I am quite confused, scared and not trusting myself. I feel very alone and insecure about my future. I know I need to stay out of my head and listen to my heart, which is our spirit speaking. My goal is HEALING. I guess, I just need to keep that in mind and hang on for the ride. If there is any guidance you can give I would be very grateful.
Thank you for your letter. Well, here goes. There seems to be a loop that you are caught in. One of the main issues of the loop is a lack of self assertiveness. This has led to stress in your life, which led to a kind of traumatic break in your life force, which led to an opening for hepatitis C to come in. The hepatitis seems to be directly connected to deep feelings of anxiety which you experience for no known reason. This deep anxiety is connected to the lack of self assertiveness. That's the loop. What has happened with the lack of self assertiveness is that, to some extent, you have allowed others to dictate your truth for you. You left an opening for them to come in and tell you what your reality was, and what to believe, just as then your body left an opening for the hepatitis to come in. If you don't know what your own truth is, but you are believing other's ideas of how you should be and what you should do, then I would think you might probably feel very anxious - like a ship without a rudder trying to find its way in the dark. So, now you are out in the world, but feeling lost. I think also that this may be the unknown question you spoke about that you wanted to ask, but didn't know what it is: "Why am I so anxious?" Could that be it?
Confusion comes when you give your power away to others. Another part of this for you is that, because you have such deep feelings of anxiety, you have an inability to be in the present moment. A lot of this confusion, I think, arose for you from the situation you described with your therapist. What often and usually happens with a therapist is that people go to therapy in a vulnerable state, looking for all that they don't have in their lives. Because of this, it is very easy to project all of one's fantasies and hopes and unmet dreams of love and fulfillment onto the therapist. It is easy, in other words, to fall in love with the therapist, to see them as everything you had ever wanted or hoped for, a safe place, a pillar of strength and love who has all the answers. You gave your power away to your therapist, which fits in with the above loop I described: if you lack your own self assertiveness, and feel so anxious, well, if someone else seems to have confidence and power and strength, it's easy to project the feelings of love and esteem you really need to be giving yourself, onto them. You see them as the answer, in other words, instead of seeing that you, yourself, are the answer.
It is interesting to me that you chose to love someone who was inaccessible - an impossible situation - or hopeless, as you said. If a person has difficulty being in the present moment, where do they go then? They go into dreams. They go into what is ideal, but not real. You chose to seek love from a situation that could not be real, or "realized". This tells me that although you want love, you are terrified of it - for love is being there fully present in the moment. A person who has a high level of anxiety for no known reason cannot possibly be present or stay with another in the moment. Unless, of course, it's a created, safe situation where the other person is totally there to help you - as in a therapist situation.
So - what to do with all of this? Well, recognizing it is more than half the battle. What I get that would be most helpful and important for you at this time, to work through the anxiety, would be to have holotropic breathwork sessions, for four months minimum, maybe twice a week, if that feels right to you. You can look this up on the Internet for a practitioner near you.
There is also a Bach flower remedy for anxiety for no known reason, and it is aspen. You can order this through the Flower Essence Society. Their number is 530/265-9163. I would invite you to take 4 drops under the tongue 4 times a day for 3 weeks.
Three Aura-Soma products would be beneficial and aid you at this time. One is the gold pomander which releases us from irrational fear and reconnects us to our innate wisdom. It also heals old wounds. The second is the olive green pomander, which is for courage and positive thinking. The third is the St. Germain pale violet quintessence, which is a catalyst and transforms negative energies into positive ones. Helps one to detach and allow energies to pass through. You can order this at firstname.lastname@example.org.
One last thing I would suggest: that you do a guided visualization sometime when you are in a quiet, warm and comfortable place, in which you imagine going into a dark room which seems fearful to you for some unknown reason. As part of this journey, allow a master or your guardian angel or some being of the Light to go with you and help you to explore this dark place. You can imagine taking a candle with you in this visualization and lighting it when you get to the dark room. Explore this place.
Many blessings - Ayal