"I feel I deserve financial prosperity. Why am I not creating it?"
I would like to ask for your help in figuring out why I am not creating financial prosperity and why I feel so guilty about my son having to deal with our divorce. I will condense my story as much as I can.
About 10 years ago, I thought I was a beautiful, healthy and somewhat happy person. Then I found out that my husband at the time had been sleeping around with various women for four years, and we went thru a very messy divorce, apparently full of hate, revenge, etc. I blamed God, and said that I would never go to church again. I proceeded to gain 110 pounds in about a year, and have since gained even more weight. Before that time, I was very much into diet, exercise, and looking good. I feel so guilty that my son had to live thru his parents' mess ups!!!!
About 2 years after my divorce, I started a major search about the meaning of life. I have purchased almost every self-help book there is, bought tapes, went to psychics, did affirmations, visualization, etc. I also started attending and taking every class offered at a metaphysical church. And, my focus in all of this has been to create financial prosperity and to get in shape. Instead, now I am out of a job, and I weigh more than EVER. What am I doing wrong? I do rituals, prayers, affirmations, treasure maps, etc, etc. And the kicker is that MANY of my friends are millionaires because of their trust funds and inheritance!!!!! So, they didn't figure out how to do it either---they inherited everything, and don't even have to work at a job!!!
And, as I said I wish I could fix everything for my son. I feel that he has issues of self-worth, because his father in essence just walked away and has never made any effort to be a father. How does the universe let his father get by with this - and yet the universe lets my son have to dealt with issues of unworthiness. My ex has always had plenty of money, time, etc.---but he has NEVER done anything to make it easier for my son. In fact, for anything that has come up, my father (my son's grandfather) has been the one who has had to help me. How is this "you get what you give"? My son was 8 years old at the time of our divorce. He was an innocent, loving child who deserved the best in life and from his parents---divorced or not!!! Anyway, how can I start really living the life I want---to create prosperity, health, peace and happiness?
Every morning I wake up with a sense of dread---because I really am afraid of what the day holds. I have had to experience several things that I would have chosen not to in these past 10 years----and I am just afraid of what I may have to deal with---and I know that being financially independent would bring a real sense of security for me. I deserve financial prosperity as much as any other human being on this earth. I am a good person, and I am sharing and caring. I know this. So what is the hold up? Please help. Thank you so very much for taking the time for me.
Thank you for your letter. You are feeling pretty much destroyed by what happened between you and your husband, and by what you perceive to be his deep betrayal of you and your son. All that you believed in and counted on in life, basically, felt destroyed. You had about 60% of all your life force invested in your husband, and in being desired by him. His acceptance of you and his "choosing" you as a woman is what made you feel good. In other words, your definition of yourself, your feeling good about yourself, came from the outside, not from within you. You looked good for HIM, dieted for HIM, exercised for HIM and what he'd think of you. When he left you for another, you collapsed, as you did not have your own inner sense of who you were. It's pretty hard to create ANYTHING if you feel destroyed and more than half of your life force is somewhere else, isn't it?
Now, your husband didn't TAKE your life force - you gave it over to him, thinking it was his job to create your life for you. That it was his job to love you and make you feel good about yourself. This is a false belief, an illusion, not a truth, that we as women have especially bought into, hook, line, and sinker. It isn't Truth. It's up to YOU to claim who you are as a woman, to do all those good things for yourself because YOU love YOURSELF, and for no other reason. Then it doesn't matter who loves you or wants you or desires you or who doesn't. That becomes fluff. What you have when you know who you are, and you move into intimately loving yourself, the way we think God loves us - you have to give that TO YOURSELF - is concrete, irreplaceable, forever. God isn't out there somewhere. God is you. So... you are the only one who can give it to yourself. It's God giving to itself. God preciously loving itself. Got it? If not, this is your cutting edge. Sit with it and allow yourself to understand it, bit by bit. You blamed everything for this loss - God, your husband, etc. You went everywhere outside yourself to make it better. But you didn't go to yourself and see that it is your responsibility to Love yourself. That's what's in the way.
What if your husband, as a fellow soul traveler, and therefore also God, and therefore coming from ultimate love, as one soul to another, left you to force you to deal with an important lesson? What if he left to show you that it's up to you to create what you want. What if he left to give you the space to learn to love yourself ? And without having that, would you'd ever be truly happy or fulfilled? And what if YOU, actually, were the one to create his leaving ? YOU wrote the script to this story, because you knew you needed to get this lesson. What if you created all of this for your own further growth? Hmmmmm? You have put all of your energy and power into every other place to do it for you, of it being done "to you", than where it really needs to be - and that is, inside yourself. As you said, you THOUGHT that you were a happy well adjusted person, but what has been revealed to you, that is very important and crucial information for you to know, is that you depended on things outside of yourself for your strength and sense of self. As you said, you face each day with dread, not knowing that YOU yourself can handle it.
It is not a question of whether or not you are a good person who is as deserving as anyone else. It's a question of you really knowing in every fiber of your being that you are. Have you heard that immortal line from a play of Shakespeare's : "me thinks he doth protest too much"? Well, I hear you protesting too much that you ARE a good person, which tells me that you don't really believe it, deep down. You're telling ME that you are, and wanting to convince me of it. But you are really trying to convince yourself. If you have to try to convince yourself, you don't have it. Yet.
So, because you have not had yourself to count on, you don't have him anymore, you don't have your IMAGE of yourself as a desirable woman, you feel totally unsafe and terrified. You lost your foundation, but it was a faulty foundation that had to collapse at some point anyway. When we feel unsafe, often, we gain weight in order to feel protected and grounded - as if the weight will somehow keep us barricaded from all that scary stuff "out there". But the scary stuff out there isn't really out there. It's inside of you - your fear that you aren't loved and good enough. So, your body is now matching that belief. You don't believe you are beautiful and wonderful and worth loving, so your body mirrors that and is overweight and you don't like yourself. Same thing. You don't love yourself - and now it's physical too. This is the mirror of how you feel internally. If you really loved yourself, your body would mirror that belief. So, now you have given yourself even a physical mirror image to see what's going on. Can't give yourself a much clearer message than that, can you? When it gets to the physical, you HAVE to see it.
So, how surprised would you be that as you gain inner strength, and a deep sense of inner authority, a sovereignty of self, your son will heal too. He isn't an "innocent", as you said. He's a soul too. He is God also, creating his own reality. If you don't believe that, you make him into a powerless victim - as you have made yourself into a powerless victim by denying that you are the Creator of your reality. Well, victims have no power, so victims never heal. An illusion can't heal. It has no power. Got that? This is his journey to gain inner strength too. That's why you both chose to experience this. You both chose to create it. Your son probably came in with very similar issues to work out as you have. That's why he chose you as a parent - your issues match - what you need to learn and grow into match. So, as you ARE the parent, you can be his role model - he can learn from you how to take responsibility for himself, how to truly love himself - as you learn it, you mirror it for him - and THAT is how healing happens. Not by blaming others and giving your power away. You are the creator of your life. You wrote the script. To live life on that level is power. If you don't believe that, how CAN you create financial abundance? Or anything else? It's all tied together.
Some of what you are worrying about with your son - not all of it - are your own fears and feelings, not his. Some of it is how YOU feel about the dad leaving. You are projecting about 40% of your own feelings onto him. Own your own stuff, once again. You can only uncreate something, or change it, if you realize you created it in the first place. That's why Mohammed could move the mountain. He brought it there in the first place. So - if you want your son to heal, show him how. Do it yourself. He'll get it.
Also - some of the weight issue is hormonal. Your hormones are off due to you not believing in your femininity anymore - you don't believe it's good enough. That it has power and beauty and strength. Believe in it again, and allow your hormones to come back to you. You've more or less sent them away, as you sent your belief in your femininity, as a woman, away. Allow yourself to come back into balance. With Inner Truth, and Love.
Blessings - Ayal
Thank you again for your response to my e-mail. I get it---it is ALL about ME!! But, HOW do I learn to love myself---especially when my belief is that the truly young, beautiful and rich are the ones who deserve the best? How do I really "get" to loving me, just as I am---saying it feels like I am trying to convince myself because I don't believe it. Is it really supposed to be this hard?
What steps should I take to learn to physically manifest that which I desire---i.e. financial abundance to do that which I love to do?
I would also like to find out more about your personal consultations. How much do you charge? Is it done over the phone? etc.
Thank you so much for helping me.
Glad to hear that you were so open to getting that it IS all about yourself, and not anyone else. Asking the questions that you are is a huge part of the way to get there - do you feel what a different energy it is to start asking how you can heal this, and to take responsibility for yourself and your journey, rather than to be in blame or anger? Good job! You've already begun to take the steps you need to.
Well, first of all, your belief that only the young and beautiful deserve to be rich is a TV belief and a product, a stereotype, created for the purposes of greed, lust, and other lower energy vibrations. Because it is not based on truth, it creates suffering - as you are suffering by trying to live life based on this illusion. It doesn't work for anyone, but mass consciousness tries to convince everyone that it will create happiness. It can't. Trying to live an illusion can only cause pain. How can beauty and happiness and being the "ultimately" desirable woman be created by using the right deodorant? Or by having long yellow hair that comes out of a bottle? How can your life be all that you want, all that is successful because you brush your teeth with a certain toothpaste? Or that you'll be fulfilled if you are rich and wear only polo shirts, then you will be happy forever after? It's all so silly. Ridiculous, really. You have bought into the image that mass media presents, or what mass consciousness has put out there.
So, let's examine this. If we accept, truly accept, that we are all God - well - God is timeless and eternal, correct? God is everything. God is the beetle on the tree. Does God give less life force to the beetle on the tree than to you because you are rich? No. It's the same life force. So, how could God only reward those who are young? Or "beautiful"? IF we see with the eyes of God, no one is old or young, ugly or beautiful. That's all human made judgments. If you are in ANY kind of judgment, you are not seeing from the soul's, (or God's) perspective. Any time you have a judgment on something, on anything - and this is VERY important to understand for you to evolve - you are in FEAR. So that in itself is a clue to you that you are believing an illusion - because fear itself is an illusion.
And then you are in suffering. Suffering just simply means that you are trying to get a coke out of an empty coke machine. Illusions can't give you life force. Souls do not age - a soul is just a soul - it remains what it is despite the human changes it goes through. We are all God - no one as a soul is more or less deserving than another. How could it be? We are all God having different experiences. So, we are ALWAYS deserving, no matter what situation of life we are in. You have bought into mass consciousness. The first thing to do is to extricate yourself from that, on all levels - to see how incredibly untrue and limiting it is. It is not Higher Truth, and keeps people wallowing around in the mud, basically.
So, what if you put out an intention? And say it twice a day. The intention could go something like this: I now am willing, and allow myself, on all levels, to believe that I am always worthy of abundance and love. I now am willing, and allow myself, to be released from being connected to mass consciousness, and I allow myself to incorporate and fully accept the Higher Truths. I am now willing, and allow myself to release coming from a place of judgment and fear, and accept that I can live life from a place of Truth. Something like that. You can create it anyway that feels right to you. It is important to put in that you are now ready and willing to allow this in your life.
You are needing to have spiritual perspective - to see with the eyes of your Godself.
When you truly know that you are God - living from that place is abundance, because God is abundance. In the meantime, your soul has come into this life to learn about all of this. I hear that you are in a hurry to get there.... you feel that if you had financial prosperity, you would be safe. But, do you see how this is still a human judgment? And still coming from fear? "If I have money, I'll be happy. I'll be safe. I'll be worth something". That is still a mass consciousness belief. What will create you feeling safe is not money. Money is still something outside of yourself, isn't it? So, what DOES create you really being safe? You know what it is. You are still wanting to take the easy way out, yes? To circumvent the need to build up inner strength and do the spiritual work you set up for yourself to do, yes? It's only hard because you are resisting it. And resistance is fear.
So, guess where your work lies? You came in to deal with the illusion of fear. What if, instead of resisting it, you embrace your journey as a wonderful and exciting thing - look at all you are learning! When you no longer believe in fear which contains all of I'm not beautiful enough. I'm not young enough. I'm not this or that - it's all coming from illusions you are caught in) - when you no longer believe in fear, what do you have left? What do you stand on? And how would THAT feel?
As spiritual beings, it is important that we understand that there is no time. We have all the "time" we need to get to where we are going. We live eternally. We don't need to be in fear, thinking we have to rush to have it all now ( more TV thinking) - or what? Will we die? Be unloved? Unfulfilled? What about all the rich people who commit suicide? What is this journey really all about?
Like a great tree growing strong in the forest, what we do need is to develop steadily, step by step so that we do not miss or overlook all the important things along the way that will allow us to be whole - all the things that we need to understand and experience to finally become that great tree. Does a tree become great overnight? No. It grows slowly and steadily, enjoying all the moments of sunshine and rain, all the little creatures stirring around it, living in it's branches, the clouds overhead, it's roots growing constantly stronger to hold it up and give it nourishment - it takes in all of that. It has depth and greatness and strength that has come from patience. From allowing itself to unfold in its proper pace and rhythm. Impatience is simply another form of fear. Do you see that?
I don't want you to think that you need to keep relying on things outside of yourself to make your life happy. However, there are supports along the way, and we are all interconnected. For you at this time, two aurasoma products (firstname.lastname@example.org) would be helpful to aid you to develop a stronger spiritual perspective. One is the sapphire pomander, which allows communication of a higher level to come through and lift us out of suffering ( mass consciousness), and the other is the Sanat Kumara and Lady Venus Kumara quintessence which teaches you that "as above, so below." It helps to bring the Divine into the everyday.
Also, I would suggest that you read the Laws of the Universe (see the link at the beginning of this column) every day, twice a day is even better, so that you begin to absorb higher truth into your consciousness on a daily basis. Sit with it, meditate on it. Allow yourself to receive it.
As for consultations, I am available by phone - my fee is $60 for 50 minutes. If you feel that you would like a session, you can e-mail me, and I will give you my number.