"How come I created this reality, that is not what I want at all?"
I have completed a guide to self mastery course which discussed creating ones own reality. It went through the process of looking for the gift etc, yet for some reason I am in a situation where I am trying to figure out how I created a reality of seeing a guy for over 12 months and he is a workaholic and doesn't tend to spend a lot of time with me as I would like. Perhaps once a fortnight - or 3 weeks at this point in time - we get together. I have showed acceptance and understanding of his situation and have at times been judgmental but I try and look at things from his perspective and send loving energy and try not to be pushy. My own reality is to be in a relationship with someone who makes more of an effort and includes me as a priority but at this point in time this is not occurring and am wondering how this reality has been created.. I am confused. Can you offer any advice? I have been using the tools of the observer meditations. Bringing my feelings about this situation to the surface and owning and accepting them. I even try and look at the gift of the situation as I have always been a very selfless giving person and this gentleman is a very selfish person and he admits that. I even thought perhaps the gift is that he is teaching me to be more selfish rather than giving, i.e. take time out for oneself, not allow others to manipulate or control. I am not sure. Perhaps you can offer other ways for me to see it from another standpoint. Looking forward to your reply...
There are a few levels going on here. The first is that your first chakra needs cleansing and strengthening. This deals with your physical energy and the will to live. Often, when we set ourselves up as givers to others, (i.e. you being so understanding of HIM, but not taking care of yourself and what YOU need) there can be an unconscious belief that we don't have enough of our own energy to live our own lives. Therefore we think we need to be connected to another to get it. The extent of your giving to others is symbolic of that, as we are giving our energy away, or, taking care of someone else, in the hope that it will then come back to us from another, "stronger" source. As you work with your first chakra, asking that it be healed and restored to its perfect form and function (visualize a beautiful red light there), you will gain more courage and energy that roots you to your own life force.
Secondly, there are issues of embarrassment, disappointment, and self pity going on. You are embarrassed that he is not wanting to be with you more, and so there is an issue of embarrassment, or self esteem, to deal with. There is also an issue of anxiety that goes along with this to be explored. Where does that anxiety come from - what belief creates you feeling anxious? What belief creates the embarrassment? And having a belief in embarrassment, guess what you will then create?
There is a belief that you hold that you will be disappointed - about 60% of the time. If you carry around a belief that you will be disappointed, again, guess what you will create? What would it feel like to believe in being fulfilled instead? What would you experience and create then? And - this goes back to first chakra issues - being fulfilled, or fully alive, because YOU choose that for YOURSELF, and create it for yourself - NOT depending on another to do it for you. Filled up, in other words, with your own energy - directly rooted to and connected to YOUR Spirit.
Self pity - well, that one is obvious - it goes hand-in-hand with the other two, doesn't it? And if you let go of self pity - well then, you no longer see yourself as a victim - (others disappointing you, etc.) but as a creator. Are you willing to step into the role, honestly and truly, of taking that responsibility for yourself? It's a major step! Often we think we want it, but we are scared to death of it. Check out your fears around this. Is there a fear that you are capable of doing it? Isn't it true that if you are truly connected to your Spirit, you can create and do anything? With practice.
Good luck on this journey! Thank you for sharing and working to be clear.