"My heart is broken because I never found the right situation to raise a child and now it's too late."
I’m seeking insight on a long-standing issue. My whole life I planned and wanted to have a baby but through a series of relationships I never found the right situation to raise a child in what felt like a healthy way for all concerned. I feel that the reason I was never in a fully healthy, co-creative and fulfilling relationship is because I have struggled my whole life in my relationship with myself and my own creativity. If I had done a better job in honouring myself and developing my life in the way I wanted, I would have been able to create the right environment for being a parent. It is now too late for me and I’ve been trying to make peace with it. It’s hard because I used to talk to my baby’s spirit all the time, and so it was very personal.
I have released that connection, done ancestral work, and worked on strengthening my connection with my own divine energy so that I don’t feel I “need” that feeling of connection through a family. And I have many other things I want to create. But my heart is still broken, and I can’t seem to forgive myself or let it go, or even fully be here. It's not just the loss of my (potential) baby but also the loss of my physical fertility and all that goes along with that. A part of me feels dead inside, but I want to move on and still have a healthy, good life. Any insight you can offer is most appreciated. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing and for writing in. I can feel the beauty of your spirit very clearly.
What I'd like to share with you is this: what we have come here to do is to learn about Love. We think we know what Love is, but what we mostly know is the human based version of love. And that version usually means that we find someone to be in relationship with, and they will "love" us, and we will love them, and have a child, perhaps, etc. etc. They will somehow fulfill all of our need to be loved and valued and honored, and we will finally feel safe and good.
This is not what Love really is. I don't even think one can put into words what Love is, but I will do the best I can.
Love is the ability to be at Peace with yourself. There is a good reason why this kind of Peace is called "The Peace that surpasseth understanding"....because it's not something that we can get to, or "grok" or comprehend through our minds. It is the kind of Peace that you feel when you stand gazing at a glorious sunset, or at stars winking in the night sky. It's what you feel when you gaze at a beautiful, intricately crafted flower that gifts you with the most amazing perfume and beauty.
THIS, then, is what we want to live within - this is what we want to flood our being with, in the most delicious and gentle and yet passionate and natural and intrinsic of ways. We have been birthed as a soul to know this. We journey into many lifetimes to learn it, to gain the experience of it.
What I heard in your letter is that you have lots of love to give, and that is why you so wanted to have a child - somewhere, someone to offer that love to. But behind that desire is also a huge degree of loneliness. And when we are lonely, we look outside of ourselves to try to find something or someone to ease that loneliness - to offer us something that then "makes" us, (we think), feel loved and worthwhile and not left out of the stream of love and life. However, you are not yet offering that Love to yourself, to the divine Child that YOU are. You are still into offering yourself blame, and judging yourself as not good enough, and that is what creates the loneliness:
"If I had done a better job...." etc. etc. Then you think your life would have been better.
EVERYTHING we experience is leading us to an understanding of Love. EVERYTHING is part of this dance. WHATEVER you have experienced goes into this mix to help bring you closer to it, to lead you to it. So, there is NEVER any judgment on what we have or haven't done, or how we have done it, because Love does not know judgment. None of that exists in Love. Love for yourself is wrapping yourself up in that same energy you experience and feel when you gaze at that sunset and are bathed in its golden rays.
This is the Dharma - the dance of our lives, the reason we are here doing these journeys.
Love has no time limit - so it is never "too late" for anything. When you can open to this realization, and desire this Love to be what makes you up, above anything and all else, that is when things begin to shift.... because the Universe and your soul recognize this call and your commitment to it, and open the way for you. And this is when, then, you begin to move into a new domain of Being.....to live in and with Love. When we are living within this, whether we have a child, or not, or a partner, or not, it just doesn't matter, because we have it within ourselves - it belongs to us, and us to it .... and then everyone and everything we interact with or come in contact with is a part of it, bathed in those rays, as well.
Love begets love - like attracts life. We don't then desperately need something outside of ourselves - we are sharing it and bathed in it with each and every breath and with each and every moment. And even when we might lose this here and there, we wink at ourselves and forgive ourselves because that's just part and parcel of this dance, too, as we learn compassion. We learn to not beat ourselves up, or force it, or struggle with it, or condemn ourselves in any way. We just remember and go back to bathing ourselves and loving ourselves - being gentle with ourselves. Love never forces itself - it doesn't know force. It is a Source, an Essence....but it is something that we open to, like a flower to the sun.
When we are bathing in this golden light of Love, it is something that is naturally and authentically and organically shared. We can't and aren't able to share this or experience it if we are consumed by self generating, self negating, negative thoughts that wrap around us - they create a veil around us - it is a veil that blinds us to this Love because we are so engaged in thoughts of struggle or lack or feeling alone or whatever else we may be focused on and looping around in, that we can't see or feel anything else, even if it's right there in front of us, smiling at us with great Love. And it IS always there.
There is a great analogy to this in one of C.S. Lewis's Narnia books. At one point, Aslan, the Great Lion, who represents the God force of this Love, lays out a huge feast for these dwarfs. It is in a barn, and although others can see that he has laid out this wonderful feast for them, they are so locked into believing that the world is against them, and so locked into their own petty greediness and squabbles and bad tempers that all they can see and feel is muck and dung around them. They think that they are, once again, being mistreated, and not loved or valued, and so when they reach out to what is really some delicious food that Aslan has put before them, what they feel and see and taste is dung. Like they have these blinders over their eyes.
So, to help us get these blinders off, I want to share the following with you:
Here is a wonderful technique that has recently and synchronistically, magically come my way that fully supports the concept that we create our own reality with our thoughts. It is a Hawaiian technique called Ho’oponopono, which means to cause something to happen that is very, very right and very, very good, and in alignment with all things.
During our sweat lodge weekend, one of the women who was attending kept mentioning this wonderful technique, and I finally decided to look it up. Lo and behold, another piece of the puzzle, that was very, very right, and very, very good showed up in my life. In total alignment! How surprised are we? In fact, it came my way TWICE in a 2 week period!
It is basically a forgiveness technique that states that whoever is in your life, whatever you see, whatever happens, happens because your mind has thought it up. It couldn’t be in your life unless your mind conceived of it. And so, by healing this in oneself, it heals it in the hologram of the world you are in and have created. All creation, as we were told in the wonderful, spiritual documentary The Secret, exists in the mind. Ho’oponopono is based on this concept, and it rings very, very true.
Ho’oponopono is a very simple technique, but very profound. By forgiving ourselves for having these thoughts, or for having created suffering by having these thought patterns, everything changes. Space is created for something entirely new and wonderful to then come forth. Here is how you do it. It has 4 easy parts.
First you say, to yourself, from your heart: “I love you.”
Then: “I am sorry.”
Next: “Please forgive me.”
And then: “Thank you (for releasing me from this).”
If you like, what I also do, is add, after the ‘Please forgive me,’ I say: “I know you can heal yourself! Do a great job!”
There are some wonderful articles about Ho’oponopono online, and I highly invite you to read them. There are fascinating stories about how this works. My husband I have been using it, whenever anything shows up in our lives that causes us to want to be judgmental, or irritated, or distressed, or even ill. It is amazing how quickly things shift and change into something amazing. I can actually feel the space within me created by doing so. It feels as if some weight or blockage, sometimes even a darkened space that was there is suddenly gone.