"I do want to forgive my husband but I need your help, to understand how I can do this."
Thank you for your letter and your guidance. You have been very helpful to me and my family.
My husband came back two weeks later after he left. He wants me to forgive him and he doesn’t understand what happened to him – he felt inadequate; he said that it was a mistake and delusion and he wants our life back. Now I am standing in the situation, when...
1. I want to forgive him, but I have no strength to do it, I feel emptiness, insulted and betrayed. I do want to forgive him - first of all for myself, not to live with this feeling and move on in my life. I'm asking for your help, so I can understand how I can do this.
2. In your previous letter, “When we step into someone else’s space, taking responsibility for their life, we end up with a tangled mess.” Now I see it for myself, that in our relationship I spent a lot of my energy running around and doing anything and everything for him, instead of him doing certain things. I had the best of intentions and went too far, and that created an unbalanced situation. I need help to understand how I can avoid this situation in the my life.
I think that what you are learning, as I mentioned to you in my other letter, is how to be true to yourself - how to stand in your own truth, to be honest with yourself, and to recognize your own truth. To live your own life in a way that is authentic and fulfilling to you. Not being co-dependent or losing yourself because you are leaving your own space and jumping into your husband’s, thinking it’s your job to either monitor him, control him, or heal him , or live your life for him in some way.
Right now, you are understandably feeling deeply hurt, and the first step is to do exactly what you are doing - seeing your truth, feeling it, and speaking it. It is fair to say this to your husband: “I am feeling hurt and empty right now, and I don’t have it in me to forgive you and jump back into relationship with you.” If that is your truth. I think that you may need time to heal and sort things out - to learn and to grow from what you have gone through. If we don’t learn from our experiences, then we do not evolve and change, and time is needed to do this - to integrate what we have been through and what we have learned from it - in my opinion.
You are seeing some new insights about yourself and not wanting to fall back into an unhealthy way of being, a way that you now can more clearly see that you were in, in your relationship. It takes time to grow into a new way of being. It is good that you are choosing to do so, and want to do so.
What I am getting for you as the next step is that you have suffered what is known as "soul loss" due to the situation.
Here is some information about Soul Loss and Soul Retrieval:
Psychologists and psychiatrists know about dissociation, that a part of someone can “disassociate”, due to an illness, or a trauma, some form of violation, or some pain a person has experienced, but where do the dissociated parts go?
In doing soul retrieval, a shamanic healing practice, it is possible to locate the lost soul parts in the Lower, Middle, or Upper Worlds of the Spirit World and bring them back, to re-integrate with the person who may have been trying to operate, or cope without them for either briefly, or for a long time.
As you said, you “feel empty, and this is a classic symptom of soul loss. People suffering from soul loss often express such feelings, as being “beside" themselves ( not “in” themselves), or feeling not full there, or feeling as if a part of themselves is missing, feeling lost.
With the assistance of a shamanic practitioner, we learn to enter into relationship and communication with the parts that have left, convincing them to return and re-integrate, after the shamanic practitioner has brought them back. In this process, a sense of greater wholeness is restored, and one's energetic matrix may return to its former, undistorted state.
As the soul part is restored, the shaman instructs the client in how to take an active role in reintegrating these lost self-aspects, assuring a successful reunion and re-integration, and a more profound sense of health and well being.
So, I invite you to read more about this online, and see if it feels right to you. Then see if there is a reputable and respected shamanic practitioner nearby in your area who can work with you, facilitating a soul retrieval for you.
You will then feel more able to deal with and decide what you will choose to do regarding your relationship.
My hope for you would be for you not to fall back into the old pattern you are just now seeing - it can take time to root into a new way of being, heal what caused you to have that behavior and pattern, which often can have various layers to it, as you explore it, and to self transform. I hope that you give yourself this opportunity to grow, in whatever way that feels right and best to you.
Forgiveness and moving on is a very necessary thing - the key is to move on, but into and from a healtheir and clearer place - not from the old pattern. If you root yourself in a new way of being, then things will flow in a better way, from there.
Again, honoring your feelings is essential.