Trans4mind Home Page
Clearing the Way

"Has the relationship with my Asbergers partner got what it takes ...or are there just too many differences?"

I have never felt secure in my relationships, because of my refrigerator father. This one is no exception. My partner pushes my buttons in several ways. The main one is his rather flattened emotional effect because of his Aspergers. I think the worst of him because of how he appears, even though I know he is such a good, loyal, kind man who will do what it takes to make our relationship work.

This issue neurotypicals have with Aspie partners is understandable but I don't want it to rule my relationship. I'm not sure though at times if the amount he can express is enough to keep me happy. We both are willing to do what it takes to make it work, while being open to the fact it may not.

I know you are not here with a crystal ball to prognosticate my future, even though part of me desperately wants just that. I want to know if this relationship has what it takes or whether there's just too many differences. If it does have what it takes, what can I do to not take him so personally? I have renewed my meditation practice recently and am feeling so grateful to return to that space. It is starting to seep out into my life, but I'm wondering if there's anything else that will help me lighten up and stop carastrophising re my relationship.

OK, let's get started.

When we have not let go of our past wounds, our old neurological pathways and thinking/emotional patterns, our expectations about what we will experience, we will continue to produce a similar situation in our lives, over and over again. Since you had a cold, unresponsive father, you have re-created what you expect to experience with a partner who is wired up similarly, to the extent that he cannot express emotions. You are still wired up to expect to be malnutritioned emotionally, to expect this kind of castastrophic emotional experience from the man close to you, and so you found someone to match this.

I think that it is great that you have returned to taking care of yourself, via meditation, because this is what this lesson for you is all about. Even if we experienced severe emotional malnutrition in our lives, early on, what we then must do is to learn to be in the moment, every moment, giving passion and fulfillment to ourselves. If we are still coming from the ego place, the wounded place, that is waiting to be showered with and filled up by someone else - if we are standing there waiting to be fed, desperately hungry for it, we will remain wounded and hungry.

By meditating, you are filling yourself up, and feeding yourself. What other things in your life do you love to do? How can you fill yourself up with the passion of yourself, your own passion for living? When we take care of our own needs, then when we relate to others, we are coming from a place of a kind of eternal sunshine of the soul. And when we are in that place - not the hungry ego place - when we relate to others, that relating is totally different. You are just feeling good already, filled up, not yearning or needing, and so the health of the relationship also gets met better, because you are relating from a clear place.

It is a question of switching the domain you come from. You can choose to continue to come from the hungry ego feed me feed me I'm starving place, or you can step into that place where the sunshine of the soul is - where you feel the love and wonder and magic of the universe everywhere - where gazing at a flower fills you up - the amazing beauty and wonder of it. But to have this kind of life experience, one must decide that one is done with the old wounds, and willingly give them up. This is a kind of death, and being born again, in a sense, into a different level of consciousness. One has to willingly let go of all that one has come from - all the victim consciousness, neediness, ways of thinking and feeling, and know that there is something better. When we decide that we are done with that old way of being, and we KNOW that this something better exists, we must willingly choose to go there, and put the old self into the energetic fire.

You are doing that by choosing to return to meditation. However - you can live in each moment from this place - with an open heart. It doesn't have to come only when you are sitting in meditation. In fact, the whole purpose of meditation is to get you to that place where you are in an inner based, loving heart space in each and every moment.

The thing is, those old moments when your father was not there for you are dead and long gone. We don't want to keep the dead with us. Imagine dragging a rotting corpse along with you in your life. We would just never do that, but that is exactly what we do when we keep those old, dead moments with us. They have departed, those moments, and what you have, and the ONLY thing you have, is this moment. Life births anew, every moment. A moment comes that lives, dies, and will never come again.

Ever new joy, if we choose to enter into it from that framework, it's ever new. That's pretty amazing. Unless we can't see that because we are carrying around the dead. How you choose to be in that moment - what domain you decide to live in - is a conscious choice we make each moment. We either feel the love, allowing the sunshine place to be flowing out to fill ourselves and the moment, or we don't. It's always a choice. That is why we have free will. It is offered again and again and again to us in each and every moment. We take a breath, we fill up with sunshine - our own love, our own joys - and then... voila.

So, it's not really about this partner, what you are asking. It seems like it, but this situation is only symbolic of this bigger teaching, if you choose to go there.

I invite you to answer this: What was the brilliance of purpose of your soul having you incarnate into a family where the father/masculine energy would be unresponsive and cold?

I also invite you to do another wonderful litte exercise. It is this. When you are upset, write down the question: "Why am I upset?" Then just start writing without thinking about it. Just let it flow.

Then, after that, write the question: "What does Spirit have to teach me about this upset?" And again, just write, letting it flow automatically.

You will gain a lot from this, and the guidance that will come to you, and the insights, will be incredibly valuable.

Blessings, Ayal


553. "My boss is attacking me and I now doubt everything I do."

Click here to donate & send a question to Ayal:

Clearing the Way   |   Laws of the Universe   |   Recommended Links

Looking for personal healing?

Trans4mind Training is our series of online, interactive video workshops. We present the most effective methods of holistic personal development, combined with support from expert life coaches.
Making your heartfelt dreams come true.