"My boss is attacking me and I now doubt everything I do."
Ayal, I just want to start by saying I think you are amazing - thank you for the beautiful work you do to help people on so many levels. I've read Clearing the Way for several years now and although I 'get' so much of what you say in theory, I sometimes have challenges applying it in my own life.
I grew up (like many) in a dysfunctional home. An abusive father. I've spend years off/on in therapy. When he died several years ago, I experienced such a gift of grace. Grace because I could have never expected to transcend so many years of hating him. I instead felt compassion and sorrow for someone who was in such pain to cause so much pain to others.
I am 49 single female, never married, no children. I've had several long term relationships, in my 20s with some really great men, but then I could never commit. In hindsight, I didn't know what to do with that kind of love. I then didn't date until I was 38 and that relationship lasted three years. I've been single ever since. And at times, it has been very lonely.
The one good constant in my life has been a successful career. However, two years ago, I began working for a new manager who did not like me. Before working for her, I had been a top 10% performer the previous five years. I think she thought I was competition to her although I was very deferential. A year later, she put me on probation. At the time, my mother had had a stroke, heart attack and recurrence of cancer in several months time. I was a bit unfocused but it was really my boss who was on the attack. I clung to my job and security at a job I had been for 20 years. This summer, a new manager took over --who is even worse. One teammate has now left and several others are looking to. Despite previously being an exceptional performer, I now doubt everything I do. I'm constantly questioned over everything and totally marginalized. In the past, I've had relationships that mirrored "what I do isn't good enough". Now it seems like since I am devoid of any love relationship, I've manifested being bullied and told I'm not good enough in my job (just like childhood).
When I was a kid, there was no where to go from the abuse. I hid in the closet and wished the pain would stop. It was all so scary. I'm now working 60-70 hours. I have constant tension headaches, migraines, chronic fatigue. Instead of saying "I'm outta here," I've been paralyzed in looking for a new job. I've applied for a few things but I am holding out, thinking it will get better. The work environment is so incredibly toxic. It isn't just my boss but the whole organization has changed these last few years. One perk is my job allows me to work from home and help my mother (who lives out of state) and I tell myself that's why I'm staying. But, maybe I'm staying because it's what I'm used to. I'm beaten down and so disappointed in myself.
I'm an only child. I'm single. In recent years, I've lost several key friendships. I still have a network of friends and acquaintances but some days it's very tough feeling so alone.
I've also had psychic/spiritual hauntings follow me all my life. I try to surround myself in white light. At the moment that part of my life is ok. However, I recently read a book, Remarkable Healings (S. Modi) that talks about negative energy attachments. I sometimes wonder if I have a negative attachment that is causing all or some of this. I have suffered from anxiety and depression and it's all I can do to get through each work day. My anxiety is off the charts. I go on because of my deep love for my mother and my animals which I have immense gratitude for.
I know to manifest a new job I need to step out of the fear and act as though I already have it. I am just so consumed with being fired and losing everything, I can't get perspective. I am lonely and afraid. I long for a hug or support. I am a big girl and been finding my own way for a long time. I just so long for a better job and some companionship down the road.
Many kind thanks.
Thanks for writing in. Glad you did.
OK - let's see what shows up for you.
Well, you called it. The first thing showing up IS an entity attachment. To deal with this, I suggest that you find a shamanic practitioner nearby, or someone skilled in removing them. This will help a lot. So, I'd invite you to do this sooner then later and get free of it.
The next thing showing up is that you are suffering from a sense of isolation. This is understandable, having gone through the trauma of abuse that you shared. To help with this, there is a need to become receptive to Grace.
What is Grace? Here is the definition:
The free and unmerited (meaning you don't have to do anything to have it - it is given because you are loved unconditionally) favor of God, and the bestowal of blessings.
Divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification : a virtue coming from God : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine assistance.
So - this is all about knowing and totally believing in, so that you are fully open to receiving it, the love of Spirit. This is the antidote to abuse - the opposite of abuse and what we take from that abuse. As you open to this more and more, you are filled with knowing you are worth loving - and you begin to trust in the flow of life. I invite you to press on the middle of the palm of your left hand (a Grace point), for 3 minutes (breathe in, taking deep breaths, slow exhales, relax, smiling as you do so, which will open you up), twice a day, for 5 weeks.
As you work with this Grace point, ask Grace to release from your being any energy that is not yours, especially any energy that came from your father. All of it, body, mind, spirit, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Important to do this. And as this energy is released, breathe in, and allow yourself to be filled with that light and love of Grace.
The next thing showing up is a need to integrate your inner and outer chakras. Here is some information regarding this:
Throughout the next 2 weeks, be mindful of your chakra system. Observe your inner and outer dances. Most of us tend to get stuck in patterns, rhythms, and habits; we find ourselves over-using some chakras, while others become more dormant and weak. Becoming mindful of our energy dances gives us the opportunity to consciously bring our system into balance.
Different jobs and lifestyles will affect the dynamics of our chakras. A singer or public speaker will be drawing heavily on their throat chakra; a counsellor will be calling on heart energy for empathy and compassion; and an athlete needs the physical strength of the base chakra. It is completely natural to draw on the strengths of a particular chakra, however problems arise when our chakra system fails to change gear and we get stuck in a single mode of functioning. The dance of wholeness is about firstly becoming aware of our energy movements and then consciously creating a dance that brings balance to our chakras.
Each week, set aside a short amount of time each day, observe which chakras have been in action and which have been left slumbering, and then plan your dance of balance. You may find you need to create more time for quiet meditation if your day has been very physical and active. If you have been in the office all day, go out into nature on the weekend. You may need to focus on bringing more pleasure and play into your life if your job requires a lot of intensity.
The dance of wholeness is a dance of mindfulness and balancing. It requires time, patience, and persistence. However, the more our energy systems are brought into harmonious balance, the easier it is to maintain that balance, and the reward is a happy and balanced life.
Two good things for you to start doing for self empowerment and self expression are: weight lifting and dancing.
I would invite you to do some weight lifting, to start with, once a week for about 10 minutes, starting with 2 ten pound weights, and then see if you want to do more. Make sure that this feels right to you and does not strain your back. If you need to, start with less weight.
Dancing: Put on some music that gets you going, or that you love and resonate with, and let yourself dance with it for 15 minutes, twice a week. Again, if you want to do more, do more.
Check out the foods to eat for the 4th and 7th chakras, especially blue foods, berries, and foods that have intense flavor, such as salty, sweet, and bitter.
OK. My guidance also wants you to check out this link, for information on a meditation to do that will be great for you: http://www.drwaynedyer.com/blog/tag/moses-code-meditation/
This is a lot. See what you can do - don't feel pressured - just do what you can, at a relaxing pace, as it feels right.