"I married for security and now have fallen in love with another man. But I feel unsure about leaving."
I have been with my husband since I was 20. I am now 35. I have recently sprung on a journey of racial justice and spiritual growth, being more in tune with my sacred feminine, my activist and advocate role in the community. Recently, I have been forced (by my parents' relationship issues) to seek counseling and figure out things about my marriage. While I sought counseling I was faced with the reality --which I have known for some time-- that I married for security, safety and that I was so insecure when I did so. Months after our wedding, I had an affair. My husband found out and I sought counseling (individual, my husband did not think we needed couple's counseling). We now have two kids.
I recently met K, another activist, who I have fallen in love with, had a short but intense relationship, which we both cut off out of feeling we are not acting with integrity. I resonate with this man a lot, while the gnawing voice about my husband has continuously been in the background telling me I am not in love with him, I am never been in love with him. When K came along, he acted as a catalyst to bring these doubts back into surface. I am seeking individual counseling, have embarked on painful, but, really good introspective journey and have been journal and meditating and discovering about myself everyday. In meditation, I know the answer: leave the marriage. It has run its course. It no longer serves me. I will be speaking to my husband about how our relationship feels, and I will ask that we go to couple's counseling.
I see a future with K. We resonate so deeply in our purpose, our personality, communication styles, and our radical commitment to sharing. I am not leaving my marriage for him. I want to leave and am not afraid of being on my own. There have been so many lies, deceits within this marriage, and I know it's time for me to part - K or not. I think counseling will help me articulate more clearly. When I meditate and ask my higher self what I need the answer comes clear: the union has served its course. Leave.
When I come back to "daily life" doubts creep in, guilt, of course. I am not sure of why this discrepancy. I feel I am not living an illusion. I feel like I can walk a path of purpose with K, since we see the world similarly in our values, and want to be of service to our community. What can I do to stand strong in this decision that seems to have been made in my heart of hearts?
Well, it sounds to me as if you know the answer already. It is natural for doubts to come in at such a time, as you will be leaving old, familiar ground - and that can be a bit frightening. Since you married him for security, as you said, having that security there for you probably still is an issue. You will be leaving that security behind. However, it sounds as if you have thought this through and know what you need to do. When the doubts arise, just be with them - allow them - let yourself go through it. Check out a healing technique - it's very straightforward and not complicated, though it is potent - called Whole Heart Healing. It shows you how to be with whatever feelings arise so that they can be released in a deeply healing way.
I do suggest that since you have children, their well-being and state of mind will need to be considered as well, in a deep and profound way. Divorce is very difficult and usually traumatizing for children, even grown up ones - so they too may need to go through counseling and some heart to heart talking to, from you. The more amicably this can be done, and with counseling, and high consciousness, the better.
What troubles me a bit is that your history has been to not have integrity - to go behind your husband's back to get your needs met. This is a pattern that would be good not to continue, if you decide to go through with the divorce. It sounds as if you are choosing this time to face the truth, however, with integrity, and greater honesty - so, that is a good thing. Doing it from a clear and Higher Consciousness place will help you to have the strength to make whatever changes in your life you feel hat you need to. Take strength from the feelings of truth and clarity that have come to you about this decision, when you feel fear creeping in. If you KNOW that this is the path for you, then allow the Universe to unfold it for all - your husband, your children, yourself - for all connected to it - with love and truth and clarity and kindness. Allow that to be put in place for the Highest Good of all. When you tune into this decision, if it feels right, and good to you, then that is a sure sign that you are doing the right thing.