"I don't know if I want kids or if I'm meant to have them. I'll soon be 41!"
I'm not quite sure what's happening here but I have all this stuff coming up to surface which I cannot avoid any longer... Once again my warrior energy is being tested.
Ayal, I don't know if I want kids!
I don't know if I'm meant to have kids and I thought by now I'd know as I'll soon be 41!
This sits on my heart like a heavy stone cause not only I'm aware that I'm getting older but also because I really don't know.
I can't give you a single reason why we should have a child free marriage for I don't buy in all this negativity about having kids. Yes they do stretch you to your limit, yes your life will change, yes maybe date nights will be a memory for a while but I don't buy when people say having kids changed things for the worse in their relationship. If anything, I think it will bring out what was already in one's heart, ready to be elaborated and shifted, only that this will happen in a very chaotic way at a very chaotic time and people just freak out instead of working on it!
At the same time, I can't give you a single reason why I should want kids.
And this is the hard bit to digest.
Ayal I feel a voice within me aware of the world around, aware of why I came in this lifetime and what I'm to do. It's almost as if this voice was telling me my life commitment is the path I'm on and I'm going to use all the energy I have to empower others, to create for others.
It's a very deep voice, a knowing which is hard to share with others cause I can't explain.
I feel an urge to create but I'm really, really not sure it's kids.
It's almost like I was aware that motherhood for me will develop in another way... and again, who am I going to share this with? They'll think I'm a deluded idiot...
I have spoken to my husband last night telling him I need "to create together" and I'm confused about whether this will be a child or a project... something to nurture, grow, hope for.
I told him it's hard for me to put this into words, cause I don't have a maternal instinct kicking off but I can't see us spending the rest of our lives just being focused on every day life and our own projects.
I'm very lucky in being supported by my husband in what I do, and I feel honored in supporting him in what he wants to achieve... but Ayal, correct me if I'm wrong, these are our own projects... I want to have something that belongs to both of us, that we both put care into, that brings us even closer. And despite the many things we do together, I'm not quite sure they are quite the same as a baby, or a baby purpose/project. Yes we are both going the same way even if walking on opposite sides of the fence, yes we support each other with respect and devotion, but now more than ever my heart is aching for something more...a little creation.
And this where it gets confusing...
While other women would say to you, this little creation could only be a baby, I can't tell you that..
And so this is not only hard for me, but also for my husband.
He understood me last night, he suggested we take some time to think things through; he admitted that he does think from time to time about having a little one, it'd be nice to move out of London, buy a house with a garden and raise a baby. He also understood about the project/purpose even though in his opinion we've had so many through the years...I couldn't agree about this completely, cause again, they were his or my own projects and we just worked hard to support the other in making our dreams come true....they were not a joint little creation...
And so, while he understands and maybe keeps that door open for kids, I'm left here with my heart aching... 'cause I don't know!
I was just reading that in some traditions women choose not to have kids as they are devoted to the spiritual path and all their energies will go towards that, and I can really relate to that. But this doesn't make things easier at all, for I'm still left with the awareness that should my husband turn around one day and want kids, that would be late for me and it'd break my heart. Even though my body is not screaming to have kids I'd be happy to embrace motherhood for my husband and because I genuinely think we are great people and we could share so much with the little one. Still, I'm not quite sure my need to share love is the equivalent of having kids.
I feel I have responsibility towards myself and the path I've chosen, and towards my husband for it feels to me that maybe he's just waiting for me to make that decision... that maybe he's just scared we will change for the worse like it happened to so many we know (I can assure we got to see pretty grotesque things through family and friends with babies through the years... pettiness and envy to the extreme... quite bizarre actually for you'd expect a baby to make you a better person somehow!!) and he's depriving himself of the possibility to be such a great dad.
What do I do Ayal?
This is the one time when I really don't know, and maybe I've just been talking gibberish...still...why does my heart ache so much? And why do I feel like I'm letting everybody down?
Please be honest to me and brutal if you need as I want to sort this out once for all.
Hello. I can't, of course, tell you what to do - but I CAN share my own thoughts with you about this issue...
I hear your need and desire to share more with your husband - to be closer with him - but I have found that when people try to do this by having a child, it never works. A child is a HUGE responsibility... it is sweat and shit and up all night, and long term time and energy and devotion, and constant vigilance, and dealing with all kinds of issues that arise, both for yourself and for your child - and if anything, a child can often drive people apart rather than bringing them together - unless both people are utterly devoted to having that child, and both want to be great parents, and both have the time and energy and instinct and desire to be parents. Often people have different views of how to parent, and that, too, can drive a huge wedge between people. I think that people have this romantic, idyllic view that having a child is all bliss and la la, and it is, if anything, the opposite. It is the hardest job on the planet to raise a healthy, well adjusted, happy child... if you are not yet, yourself, in a good, clear place, mature and well adjusted, and in a very steady, harmonious relationship, having a child can only make things harder.
A child should NEVER be used as a way to solve a problem - or to try to prove your love for someone in this way. Bad idea.
If you desire to do something creative with your husband, then find out what you both love to do, and then make the time to go do that together on a consistent basis. Write a list, each of you, perhaps, and see what over laps. what do you both love to do? what brings you joy? There are a LOT of adventures and things to explore and do in this life, if people want to expand themselves and try new things.
There are many, many ways to be creative in life that do not involve having a child. If having a child would bring you both joy, then that is another matter - but if you go that route, then be prepared to give up, for a time, your own plans. I think that you may be dealing with an issue of self sabotage here - you are just getting started on your own path, and now you are thinking about not doing that and having a child? If you did this, you would not have to risk succeeding at your own work, would you, or failing at it. I would check in with yourself and see if you have any big fears up about this - after all you have done to get to this point of coaching - why would you suddenly want to give all of that up? It doesn't even sound as if your husband is that into having a child... from how you expressed it, he seems not that passionate about it - so I think that this is YOUR issue and your own fears up about going out into the world... so, my invitation would be to work on that, big time, and transform it, release it, explore it.
I think, for you, that this is all about TRUSTING THE PROCESS OF LIFE, and moving through your fears - NOT finding a distraction to take you away from facing this issue.