"I feel like my husband and I are both resisting our soul journey."
I'd like your opinion as woman and healer hoping you don't find me needy in asking for your support so often... the energy is so strong right now that I can really do with all the help the universe can provide me with so to empower others.
We had a reading yesterday and interesting things came up. We spoke to this woman a while back ago, and while she said again that my husband and I were together in other lives, in this lifetime we have been brought together "to finish business". She said that apart from being a healer and a writer, I'm the way shower and I signed up to support my husband to embrace his feminine energy and go with his right brain more.
Now, you'd think I should be happy... this should make me feel empowered! Quite the contrary in fact... I feel like running away...
Today is 9 years since I met my husband and I feel like I'm going to fail both of us. Is this possible? Is it possible that I don't want to do what I signed up for before coming into this life?
I've said to my husband many times I'm getting tired of showing the way (as if I knew what this woman was going to say)... and here lies the real issue... I feel like we are both resisting our soul journey.
In a way I want to scream, cause I feel this is hard... as I'm going to have to be so compassionate, graceful, patient for the rest of my life, both 'cause my husband is a bit of a snail in some things (bless him!!) and also because of his own resistance. It's his journey to embrace a new way to be, but he will have to take all the time he needs and we came together so I could support him (and others apparently) while he gives me his loyalty and love.
Ayal, I told you this before... my husband has a warrior energy like... his devotion fills my heart even though he's a bit of a mule about listening to his own heart!!... and I just want to cry 'cause I don't know if I can do this... and I don't even know why!!!
So I can feel all this resistance and I truly feel stuck, also because the woman clearly said I need to come from a place of acceptance and embrace the gifts my husband has brought in even though we walk on the opposite sides of the fence... but how can I be? There are times when I speak to him about things which would be normal for you and I and I do sound like a school teacher! Those are the times when there is no compassion from my side...I just want to strangle him and tell him to hurry up! He is a trader and he's obviously absorbed by his job quite easily...and so while he'd be happy to carry on like this 'till things are up and running, there is me in the background desperate to make him realize how important is to get away from it every so often, to come back to the heart and his own breath, even to just go to the park for 10 minutes as nature will be such a great help! Normal things, right? Nothing. I've been telling him for so long now I'm exhausted... he has 1 good day and then back to normal... then he tries again... and again... then he stops... then off he goes again! So I just want to scream as I can't believe he can't understand how going into nature would make his trading much more efficient... and obviously he gets demoralized 'cause in his head is trying despite these "wizardy things" (that's how it calls my things!) being foreign to him!
Ayal, I need to sort this out, not just for us but for myself... as I'm sure many of my clients will be like my husband and I will need all the grace and the compassion I can get!
Could it be that my resistance comes from:
(A) A part of me wanting my husband to be on my same level so our marriage will be safe as people on the same path have a stronger relationship?
(B) A part of me needing to be romantic...2 strong individuals on a strong spiritual path sounds better than a neurotic way shower and a "snail student".
C) No faith at all in me being graceful and patient?
Again, I feel like I have been asked to step my game up and I'm so tired... why me? Why did I sign up for this? This journey is tough, Ayal, and sometime I'm on my knees 'cause I don't understand... and then literally seconds later a new truth emerges in my heart and things are better... and then chaos again! How can I support both myself and my husband when I'm the first one admitting the path we walk on is not for the fainthearted! I feel like telling the universe to leave me alone, just let me be happy doing mundane things and pigging out in front of the tv for some comfort.
I'm not being a victim... I'm just a bit tired and a bit overwhelmed cause I feel there is no rest now... one lesson after the other, one slap in the face and one hug... it's insane! On top of this I'm aware of the fact that most of this is down to the parasite and while I'm looking for a way to starve it it's not easy to go through my day without going mad! And also the more I'm on this path, the more I study, the more I'm drawn to every day life, to look forward to a glass (a bottle maybe) of wine with my husband, a nice time in the pub, a nice refined meal! Well I was not expecting this, for I thought my studies will keep me away from all this and so I'm confused as I'm actually enjoying it like never before! I've turned myself into the goddess of the kitchen, while I've always been in conflict with food... how can this be? I tried anything to get my husband giving up on refined sugar and carbs and we are suddenly making chocolates from scratch... this is obviously confusing for both of us!
Thank you so much for guiding me through my confusion!
Well, first of all, tremendous congratulations on getting your coaching qualification! That is terrific!
OK, regarding the rest of what you shared: what I want to say to you is this: it is great to have readings, as they can clarify things, or offer up information we may not have. However, it has to resonate with you as something that is right - it is not something that is necessarily the absolute truth. If you take it on, you take it on because it feels right to you, and YOUR OWN SOUL knows it. It is very easy to get swayed by someone else, giving them the power, and a HUGE part of being on the spiritual path is claiming your own power and to be able to decipher what is true, or not, for you - and to let go of that which is not yours, or what is not for your best good, or in your best interests.
Regarding your relationship: here's how I view relationships, after having had many and having been married now to my husband for over 20 years: It is about being clear and learning to understand what is going on, and then to make good choices.
1) You either accept him as he is, and trust that the life he HAS CHOSEN FOR HIMSELF, and is living, and how he is living it, is right for him - and it is ok with you. You can live with it, and trust it, and so you spend your energy in peace and use your energy to walk your own journey, with him, as he walks his.
2) You realize that you cannot abide harmoniously together with the way things are - you absolutely CANNOT accept certain things, and so you and your husband BOTH agree to go to counseling of some sort together to work on and change these things - for both of you, in order to be able to remain together. BOTH have to want to do this to save the marriage and both have to commit 100% to do this, to remain in counseling, to heal the things that need to be healed - BOTH are willing to change.
3) You go to counseling yourself, to figure out why you are so triggered and charged about certain things - why you feel you have to fix or change someone else. Why you keep on staying angry and stuck over the same things. Why you remain in this state. You find the patterns within you that have you doing this and creating a hell or distress or cause you to live in such fear for yourself.
What is this fear all about for YOU that he HAS to see things your way - or else what? What do you think will happen?
If you saw a person putting quarters into an empty coke machine, over and over, and no cokes were coming out, but they continued to bang on the machine, and pour their quarters into it, and curse and blame the machine, would you not think they were crazy? The machine is empty - no matter how many quarters they pour into it, it will NEVER give them a coke.
This is what people are like who are trying to change a partner and banging on them and blaming them - when THEY themselves are the one continuing in an act of insanity, of doing something that cannot be done, but continuing to think if they wail and bang on it long enough, it will give them a coke.
The healthy person instead, sees what is what, makes a good choice, and says: this machine is empty. It is not for me. I can't get what I am after here. I will go find a coke machine that has cokes in it. They have the where with all and the courage and the ability to know what it is they are after and create it for themselves, not blaming anyone or anything else for not giving it to them. THAT is self love and self responsibility. True empowerment.
So, number 4 is this:
4) You leave the relationship because it is not giving you what you want to experience with someone else. You recognize that it is not in your best interest to spend so much of your energy being upset and angry and trying to make something be what it is not meant to be. To remain in a relationship where this is how you feel and this is how you spend your time is like living in a limbo hell, and you get nowhere and only devastate both yourself and others. Not leaving when this is the case is also a choice, but then one has to accept that they are choosing to remain upset and angry - so you must take responsibility for that YOURSELF and not continue to blame anyone else, husband included, for the choice you are making yourself to stay somewhere where this is how you choose to be.
It is not your job to heal or fix your husband. doing that, trying to do that, is an act of futility, and also it is a spiritual violation. As a coach, this is crucial for you to see this. You cannot change anyone. You can interact with others, and when someone comes to you and ASKS for your help, then that interaction may bring about something productive, if the person asking decides that what they get from you is something they can use and grow with. BUT, EVEN THEN, it is up to THEM to make the change.
If your husband, just by being around you, sees the beauty of the feminine, then THAT is what will help him honor it and accept it into his own being. It isn't about you going on some crusade to give it to him or change him. It isn't your MISSION this life. it may be something the two of you will do together, or it may not. It depends upon how or even whether or not both people want to grow. Do you know what the Crusades did? They went over there, the English, etc., in a state of religious self righteousness and superiority and arrogance, having decided that anyone else's way of believing other then theirs was WRONG AND SINFUL, and they used God as an excuse to bully and kill and try to have power over others, to force their own beliefs upon others. There was no honoring of anyone else's beliefs. There was no beautiful exchange of wisdom and culture and knowledge. There was violation and violence, and in the end, it achieved nothing but horror and sorrow for all sides. It was POLARIZATION, not UNITY - one side against another, and that in itself in not a spiritual truth. The real spiritual truth, as I see it, is that there is only UNITY - all things are made of the same essence, and all things come from the same source, and all things are doing what they need to do to walk their own specific journey to learn what they need to learn. And when we can see that, and honor that, is when we achieve our own Enlightened state of being. That is when we abide in peace. We go beyond right and wrong.
For you to take this information on in such a way that you think it is for YOU to have some crusade or job to heal your husband, I think, is a falsity. If you both are going to learn and grow, it comes from just being together, each of you just being who you are, walking your truth and your journey, and not trying to force feed the other with the way YOU think is right (a CRUSADE). Then you will both learn and grow together, as is your purpose. If, however, this comes from a place of making yourself right - from your arrogance and negative ego - and someone else wrong, and you think that it is your CRUSADE/job/mission to change them, then there is only war and misery.
I think you are feeling this misery because you are trying to do something that it is not appropriate to be doing - it is hopeless and useless to do that, and that is why you feel that way. Of course that is terrifying, because you WILL fail at it, if that is what you think you are supposed to be doing - because IT ISN'T YOUR JOB TO DO!
If the life YOU want to live is with someone who can SHARE WITH YOU and delight in similar interests, and pursue similar interests, then that kind of person is the one you need to be with.
If you and your husband enjoy one another, and just by osmosis, by being together, and working through things together in a good, clear way, continue to grow together - and this is NOT just about HIM growing - this is about YOU growing as well - learning to accept each other for who they are, and learning to honor another person's choices - learning to be compassionate instead of thinking you have the right to change someone...etc., etc., then a relationship is a healthy one. THAT is love - not needing someone else to be LIKE YOU in order for you to feel ok about them. Or in order to feel validated, or safe. It is about YOU being able to walk your own way, and allow him to walk his own way, and seeing the value in it, accepting it, and being strong enough to walk your path yourself.
However, if you are trying to change him in order to feel validated (or safe) - that he HAS to accept your choices in order for you to trust and value and accept YOURSELF, THEN YOU ARE, AS I SEE IT, off track - and then THAT IS YOUR WORK to do, for yourself. He has his own way. It is NOT your way. Your ONLY job is to talk your own talk, walk your own path, and delight in doing so. If part of your path, bottom line, absolutely need it, is to be with someone who also walks a path like yours, to be able to share similar interests, and this delights you, to commune together in this way, then you have to have the guts to let go of what is not working and go find the right thing for yourself, instead of wasting tons of emotional energy being upset and unhappy and feeling anxious - and put all of that energy you are using to be unhappy and upset to a better use.
Up to you.
I think that for you, there is and always has been, a huge need for others to validate you - over our time together, this same pattern emerges again and again, and I am not sure you have really seen it or taken it to heart to heal it. If you look outside of yourself for others to do this, you will never be able to walk in freedom and peace.
This is all about self empowerment and YOU making good choices FOR YOURSELF. THIS is what, I think, your whole journey this lifetime is all about. If you walk away from that and go into, instead, thinking it is your job to change HIM, I think you will miss the point. People will come to you OF THEIR OWN VOLITION, AS A COACH, if you hold the space of honoring each person's journey. THEN, when they come and ASK YOU SPECIFICALLY for guidance and advice, that is when you can offer it. Your husband is not doing that. His soul will grow, just by being with you, if it is meant to. It is not about taking it to mean that you have to go on an active crusade to save him. He is already fine. He is just on his own journey and needs to be learning from what he has chosen to do. If you make him WRONG, then everything is off kilter - you included - because then you are not walking within a spiritual truth. And, the other question you have to ask yourself - and this is crucial, is:
What in me, what pattern in me, would choose to be with someone where I feel unhappy, where I feel unaccepted for what I am doing, where I feel upset and against someone, all the time, or so much of the time?
Why do I expect to be unaccepted, that what I believe in will be unaccepted?
Where does my fear come from?
What in you continues to think that living with someone in this energy is how it is supposed to be? What IN YOU, keeps drawing that to you? Do you yourself have a pattern where you believe you are unaccepted, or where you think what YOU do is wrong, and expect others to demean you and dishonor you?
If so, then your life lesson is to be able to let go of these limiting and harmful patterns of energy within YOU, and to learn to value and validate yourself - to be able to be at peace WITHIN YOURSELF, and to rely upon your own strength and power to make good choices and to walk in strength and beauty FOR YOURSELF.