"It's hard to feel safe in this world without also feeling like a potential victim."
Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to share my questions with you and for taking the time out of your day to read this letter. I genuinely appreciate it!
So, this past year, I've worked very hard on myself and all the issues we've previously discussed and I've made a lot of progress in many areas but remained completely stuck in a few others.
My main question today revolves around the issue of safety; of feeling safe in this world and be able to stand on my own two feet, without feeling like a potential victim and an eternal target. You have already told me how people bark back at me because they can sense the fear I am emanating. Well, it is still happening and I'm fully aware of it. Lately, I've noticed people reacting to me in the streets or on public transportation. People constantly look at me and even turn around when I walk behind them, because they can sense my fear and they wonder where the threat is. But because I am the source of the fear, they surmise that I must be the threat as well. I'm actually scared to leave the house because I'm afraid that I'll be accused of something I haven't done! This particular fear (getting falsely accused) has already manifested itself several times throughout my life, including today, when my neighbor just claimed that my mom and I are surely move furniture every evening although we never make much noise in our apartment. His story was so weird (and I knew it wasn't true) yet I still couldn't refute it.
The issue of safety is something I share with my mother. This is her topic as well. My mother was found at a railway station towards the end of the second WW, placed in an orphanage, adopted at around age three, and then physically and verbally abused as well as sexually harassed until age 18 by a very ill adoptive mother (she had syphilis) and alcoholic adoptive father. The amount of abuse she has survived is staggering (her "mother" regularly doused her with cold water, tried to starve her and violently beat her on a daily basis, just to name a few things. I feel the need to mention that her adoptive mother has apologized to my mom before passing away.)
My mother is a warrior type of person in the sense that she derives her energy from her battles, but she's been acting out of a flight or fight response her entire life and this constant fight for survival is slowly draining her as she's getting older (at least that's my impression). I on the other hand have chosen playing dead when confronted with a threat (this method of survival has served me well throughout my childhood). I have asked my mother if she's ever felt safe in this life and she said no. And so today, it is the both of us who wonder how it is possible to feel safe from within. We both have no idea how that feels and therefore we cannot even tap into it. This issue is incredibly urgent for me right now, because I've been out of work for so long and am extremely scared to move forward and worry that I'll manifest more of my fears related to being persecuted, accused, attacked (especially by men) etc.
At the same time, I do have to interject that I've learnt to trust the process a little more and to manifest good things in my life as well. And thanks to your reply to question Nr. 196 ("Accepting grace into your life") - which I've read yesterday morning - I managed to put myself in such a trusting state that no more than five minutes later I received some unexpected money which comes as sweet rain after a drought and feels AWESOME. So, thank you for that! So so much! :))
Two more things: I still have acne and I just .... don't even know. It's caught in a loop and no matter what I do, there's no shift. I've had acne for 14 years now and can't deal with it anymore. I've chosen to just ignore it, because albeit I've learned A LOT through this illness, it is now sucking my soul dry. Because I can't deal with the reality of it anymore, I've begun to disassociate from my body. I experience the disconnect from my current reality as both relieving and frightening at the same time. And this is my last issue currently bothering me: I feel out of body again and I'm not really sure where I am, if that makes sense. I also have a lot of vivid nightmares and am consequently scared to go to sleep. And so I stay awake as long as I can which of course is draining. Please, just no more negative entities....
My creativity is still stuck and I'm also quite lonely, but I'm sure this all has to do with being anxious all the time and not being able to stay in the moment. I don't want to end this letter without mentioning all the great progress I've been able to make thanks to your help so I'll include a summary in the PS in case you wish to read it.
I hope you can help me and I thank you sincerely for everything. Please find attached a couple new pictures I've recently taken.
P.S. It's really not all bleak! :) I've been meaning to tell you some time ago already that I've been able to release the unconscious fear that I was holding in my ovaries. A Japanese Shiatsu master helped me release it last June. The fear had to do with not wanting to pass on my father's destructive energy through procreation. I had been aware of that fear but I didn't know that it had blocked me on a physical level.
In addition, I've worked very hard on releasing at least some of the unconscious issues you told me about. Some of these fun beliefs included that "Everything I create is ugly", and "Nothing I have to offer is welcome". These must have been ancient beliefs. They felt rusty, dusty and heavy when they left my body.
I have also been wanting to share with you that for the first time ever, I managed to heal myself from an illness with the help of a website, some chakra healing and ....my own two hands. Last November I had a really strong bronchitis that was worsening as the days went by. Finally, on the evening of the third day, I started to sort of suffocate. One of the coughs eventually felt like someone had stabbed me in the chest. I knew I couldn't keep coughing much longer, it was getting too scary and painful. So I went on this website called My Holistic Healing, looked up bronchitis in the glossary, realized it had to do with depression in the heart chakra, picked out some heart chakra meditation music on youtube and used my hands to move the stuck energy in front of my chest. Ayal...it took ten minutes. That was it! Ten minutes - and the coughing subsided. Another 5 minutes later I could breathe freely and didn't cough a single time after that. The next morning my mother actually thought that I had died in my sleep because I was so quiet in my room. I wanted to share this story because it felt so special. Thank you for reading!
Hi - well, interestingly enough, I had a dream last night that was very intense that came, in part, I think, to help me answer your letter.So, I am ready to respond to you now, and thank you for writing in and sharing on this deep level.
When there are wounds and violations that come fro such insane, extreme violence - that go so deep, such as what your mother experienced, there is a huge amount of healing that must happen. There wound understandably be so much fear and no sense of trust or safety. Trust can be grown, and these wounds overcome, but it takes a lot of inner work. For your mother to have survived this is a testament to her inner strength.
As her daughter, coming form her womb, being raised in the energy of all of this prevalent, and also you having chosen her to be your mother in this lifetime, all of those fears and energy would be absorbed and intimately shared by you. So, obviously, there is something major here for both of you to work through.
When the fears come from this kind of violence, there is also great fragility on a deep inner level. Your concerns about other people, and not even wanting at times to leave the house speak to this deep, deep well of fragility and fear.
Interestingly enough, the antidote to these kinds of wounds, and perhaps the entire reason they were experienced, the antidote to feeling so fragile and vulnerable and not safe is to use this current Lifetime as an Act of Power - to grow so strongly within oneself an Unassailable, profound Core of SELF LOVE. I think that both you and your mother came in to this lifetime knowing, on the soul level, that IT IS ABSOLUTELY TIME to grow this unconditionally for yourselves, once and for all, so strongly, and so deeply, that you will overcome your fears and no longer create life experiences and situations where you experience - or allow - harm to yourself.
When we are not able to set strong boundaries for ourselves, which I believe to be the noble and maturely developed Masculine aspect of oneself, then we can suffer greatly from not having them. Not having strong and firm and clear boundaries says many things. It says:
2) I don't even deserve to exist
3) I am willing to let you abuse me or have power over me
4) I am not willing to take care of or protect myself - i.e., I do not value or love myself enough to do this.
It is the Masculine aspect of one's being who is The Protector and whose job it is, along with the mother aspect, as well, to protect the family, the child, and oneself from violation. If the Masculine energy is wounded or undeveloped, or hidden, this opens one up to all sorts of problems.
Your mother experienced a terribly distorted version of the negative Feminine energy - the cruel and insane mother aspect - the dark side of the Mother. And, there was no strong or noble Masculine to defend her. In fact, both the mother and father aspects she experienced were of the dark side - the weak, wounded Masculine who could only drink and take out his deep fears and inferiority on another, with rage and violence, and the mother who basically did the same. So, she came from living with two beings who were so terrified and insane that they took out their fears on someone much smaller and vulnerable., someone whose true job it was to love and protect. but being as distorted as they were, they could not do this, and could only offer rage and violence and distortion. But, there is a huge lesson to be learned here - and it came in an extremely difficult form in order to perhaps, catch your mother's, and yours, attention, to finally allow you both to say:
"NO MORE. I will not allow harm to come to me in any way, because I choose love, and I love myself enough to take great, good , loving care of myself. To keep myself deeply loved, and safe, and valued, and treasured. I do this for myself, from now on, and Nothing will stop me from loving myself and giving myself all that I need in a way that does not harm me or harm others!! "
The challenge here is to not only forgive, and to see the weakness and horrible fear these people had to be living in, but also then to choose to see and create being oneself, the true, Noble Mother and the true Noble Father energy, not the wounded, shadow one.
So, there are a couple of things I want to share with you to help you with your work with all of this:
One is to start meditating or journaling with your Masculine part - your animus, as Carl Jung named it. Ask to see and visit with this part of you often and find out what it needs in order to be healed, to grow and develop in a beautiful way - what you can do for it, and how you can help it do this, to be what it is meant to be. I invite you to journey with this2 times a week for the next 3 months, minimum.
After that, do the same with the Feminine aspect of yourself.
Two, I invite you to read this book: The Art of Extreme Self Care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time.
Thirdly, with this level of fragility going on, even though I also hear how much strength you have in order to have tackled as much as you have, and traveled as far as you have - nevertheless, these kinds of wounds do leave a deep fragility behind them - I know of one man who was sexually abused as a 6 year old child, and when he finally got into a relationship, his partner could not even gently touch his arm without him yelling "OWWWW!", to even the most gentle touch - that is how raw the energy field can be after such violence. So, I think one of the strongest ways you can help to heal yourself is through your art. Your photos are magnificent - 1st rate, absolute prize winning quality - incredibly beautiful, and filled with so much Light and greatness of Heart - and I think that using your art to touch the world, to connect with the world, to create beauty, not even necessarily for a career or to sell or anything, although it could lead to that if you chose - but just to do it for yourself, is crucial - whatever form your art takes, photography or otherwise. Reach out and capture that beauty, let it flood into you as you are out in the world, and let your Heart flood into it, with gratitude.
Doing these things will carry you a long ways.
By the way, your story of how you healed yourself is remarkable, and again, a testimonial to the deep strength and ability that you carry. Thank you for sharing that. It is truly a wonderful story, and shows what you have within you.
Warm regards and blessings, Ayal