"Is it possible being within my power, the very thing I always wanted as a kid, cannot be because I want revenge?"
I truly hope you are well and all set up for this new year. I'm excited as 2015 is the year of The Artisan, so we can all use our creativity to reinvent ourselves!
I'm in the process of doing my exams for my Coaching Diploma, and it always amazes me the "crap" one has to deal with on the way to enlightenment and growth... geeee!!!
I need your help with getting clear about something that happens every single month.
When I'm due on, around 10 days before my periods start, I get very snappy, resentful, short, suspicious, verbally abusing. What its worse is that not only I'll be really horrible to my husband in situations when whoever is right or wrong I should not be reacting the way I do, but mostly with others.
Now, these others are people with the same traits every single time: they are insecure, loudmouth, deluded, egocentric, possibly tending towards being bully.
Even a child would be able to see that these are poor souls, clearly feeling so low about themselves they have to try and overpower everybody else around; even a child would be able to find amusement in see them in action.
Every time I come across one of them, I want to punch them, tell them they are nothing, they are deluded... and as I'm writing I'm feeling a bully myself.
The last 6 months it's been my manager's turn... I want to beat the crap out of him every time I'm due on, he is so self righteous, arrogant and loud - I should just picture a small chubby kid crying every time he opens his mouth... 'cause I know that's what he is!
But I cannot, I will not... I refuse....
The reason why I need your help is 'cause I don't want to give up on this hatred... it's almost like I enjoy it... I want everybody to know they are nothing, small and deep inside they know that themselves... and I know better than them and they are just frightened of me.
All of this while my PMT won't leave me alone and I always end up making a fool of myself.
So if I'm a coach what do I master here? 'Cause I'm totally lost... I know that maybe this is coming from my childhood, when some family members used to make fun of me and my sisters, telling us we were just deluded if we thought we were better than them. Also, I always felt no adults around me believed what I could see... and I did see so many things... but they all ignored me and I feel none of them (especially my parents) gave me the respect I deserved... and as I'm writing I can feel the resentment now like then...
As I'm approaching to become a coach I'm sad 'cause I feel like I will have to let go of this side of myself... I'm really sad Ayal... I feel like I've been asked to be all powerful when I couldn't do anything to honor this side of me... if anything I just felt bad about it!!
Is it possible being within my power, the very thing I always wanted as a kid, cannot be because I want revenge?
I need to sort this out before I'll have my boss in tears... this is a good place for me to work 'till I set my coaching practice up!!
I also need to sort it out 'cause I end up saying obscenities to my husband... and this is not the empowering sacred relationship we both wish for each other!! How can I expect him to work on his limits if I then act that way? Energy doesn't work that way does it?
Thank you for being on the other end for me.
I think that there are times in one's life, if one is an active spiritual seeker, when we go from one phase of being to another, and in the area of empowerment and anger, currently in our society, I think that this may be especially for women, perhaps. We go from being a passive, frightened intimidated person, perhaps a people pleaser, a needy person, someone who needs the approval and love of others, to a phase where we pop out of that, often with a thunderclap (!) and realize we don't like that, or ever want to be that way again, or deserve to be abused, and as we begin to see ourselves in a new light, and feel more empowered, we then get angry. We get angry because we are healing - and the old, stuffed down trauma and rage comes boiling to the surface to be finally dealt with. Because we have a bit more power, it CAN come up precisely because we are now more able to deal with it.
It takes time to work with this phase - to recognize and accept the anger - and it is so very easy to fall into self loathing or self hatred - but that is exactly what we need NOT to do, if we can see it, because that is the exact energy coming up, trying to be released. When we are NOT clear that we, ourselves, are feeling this way toward ourselves - that WE are the ones who aren't treating ourselves right or seeing ourselves in a good way, that WE are the ones thinking we do not deserve to be loved or respected or accepted or treated as an equal, or fairly, then we lash out and blame others. But it is that energy within ourselves, that frequency we are still unconsciously broadcasting, that draws others to us to treat us that way - it can only happen if we have it inside, and then others simply mirror it - like attracts like.
Right now, I think that the phase you are in is this one. You ARE recognizing that the issues and qualities that you hate or don't respect in others match your own. A part of you sees this, but another part, a part needing to go through this, wants to feel strong and powerful and vent the anger outward, to feel vindicated and finally feel your own power, to stand up for yourself, and so you lash out at them still, instead of FULLY doing the work and claiming these qualities as the ones you are needing to transform and heal, and release. But this other phase will eventually grow for you.
When you grow a bit more in strength and empowerment, and have a stronger foundation and experience self love more, then you can be more loving toward yourself, and then it is easier to look at these qualities in yourself, and treat yourself, and by extension, others, more kindly.
You mentioned this thing about being all powerful. No one is all powerful. If we need to be all powerful, or think we should be, or want to be, it is because the other side of the coin is really operating - the small, scared part of ourselves that wants to be defended, that wants to be safe, and we think we need to be all powerful to do it. It is a strategy we develop as a way to try to keep ourselves safe. However, it is one end of an unhealthy and distorted extreme. The other end is great insecurity and terror and anger.
We all, during our lives, and especially as children, create strategies to keep ourselves safe. It is done as a form of love to ourselves, to protect ourselves. But after a while, it is an old, crumbling, out dated thing that locks us in rather than takes care of us or gives us freedom. It is then that we must say to ourselves, lovingly:
"Ah. I see the strategy that was built to keep me safe. Thank you, for working so hard to keep me safe. But I have a new job for you. It is now your job (and this is actually the ego we are talking to, whose job it is to keep us safe, by whatever means). I want to let in the Light, to let in and hold a place of calm strength, of unconditional love, and I want you to stand guard and protect that lake of love I am holding and bringing in." This gives the ego, who wants desperately to protect you, a new and better job to do.
From what you wrote, as a child you did feel hurt and demeaned, put down, you felt lesser then, and unseen. Now your power is rising, and you are more or less striking out and saying "NEVER AGAIN!", and in this way you feel good because you are not allowing abuse to happen to you again - nor should you allow it. So, in many ways, this is an excellent thing. However, we also need to get to a further point along the spiritual spectrum, which we do eventually get to, where we say to ourselves:
"Wait a minute. I am the one who allowed this - I am the one who thought of myself as weak and unworthy. It is MY RESPONSIBILITY to change this in myself, and by so doing, I will no longer attract that kind of abuse to me, as a mirror of my own stuff."
But, until one gets to that place, it is very hard to let go of the rage that we feel righteous in feeling, because we are finally standing up for ourselves. Standing up for ourselves is a good thing - and all I can really tell you is that it is a phase that you must be in and work your way through, and allow yourself to experience. First we usually do it with rage, as it is that suppressed, bottled up rage that is coming out. Then we learn to stand up for ourselves and speak our truth without a charge - just matter of fact. It is good when in this angry phase, however, to find a way to release the anger safely, and not upon others. Some people throw bottles at a wall (and then clean it up), or some hit one of those bouncing lead bottom based things that bounce back. It is a good thing, and a constructive one, to allow yourself to feel the anger, to let it surge up and release it - but in an appropriate way. It is crucial to let yourself have your anger - to know where it comes from, and respect it - but to not take it out on others. But we must allow it to express, and honor it. Appropriately. Consciously.
If you can keep the awareness that it is not the goal to strike out at others so much as it is the goal to love and be gentle with yourself - to honor what you are feeling in an appropriate way - then you can go off somewhere and work out the anger that comes up without harming or abusing anyone else.... because yes - otherwise, ultimately, if we become stronger, and we become the "dominator" or "bully" person, we will then find someone weaker to victimize, just as we felt victimized, and so we stay caught in that victim/dominator loop that just goes on and on - first one person does it to the other, and then it shifts and the other does it. The bully person thinks they are being righteous, and lashing back out of righteous anger for a righteous cause, for feeling mistreated by someone, but, in the end, it is still the same energy we find ourselves fighting - the same bully energy. The same strategy a child develops to try to stay safe. When you can give yourself the right to be someone who is just learning from your moments - accepting whoever and however you are or were in that moment - then you can allow others to be how and who they are in that moment.
Right now I think that you are sad because you think if you stop being angry, you will "lose your power" and fall back into being victimized and abuse and weak. A place that it iS important to refuse to go back into. You have drawn a line in the sand - FOR YOURSELF - and that is a line you should not cross, or sabotage. You are moving on. That is wonderful! When, however, you are strong enough to go into your room and use a technique, or in whatever way you find to deal with the need to release your anger, and lovingly accept your own "demons" - which are the old strategies that now no longer work - the old fears, etc. - then you begin to grow into the deepest strength there is. You do not lose your power, but gain it in the best and most powerful, and clearest way.
All of this takes time, and just as there are phases of grief one goes through, such as when someone close to you dies, so, too, there are phases we go through as part of our old self dies, and the trick is to go through them with awareness, and with gentleness and acceptance of your journey, the movement you are in, and your humanity. You are not all powerful, nor are you all victim. You are just a human being, like everyone else, going through all of the ups and downs, the hurts and successes, and the learning experiences, every moment, of this vast life journey we are on. When you can give THAT acceptance to yourself, and realize that it is not about having to do the moment "perfectly" - it is just about being in the moment AS IT IS, and AS YOU ARE, AT THAT MOMENT, in it, with understanding and kindness. There is no right or wrong about how we are in that moment. We are just learning from whatever moment we go through. THAT is the DHARMA.
But right now, you are in the "this hurt me and I am angry about it, and I will not let it happen again to me - I am standing up for myself!!!" the "Mother Bear" phase - and that is ok. As you see it, and accept it, it will change and evolve. Mother Bears are needed, and have an important role to play to defend and protect their cubs, as you do, being a Mother Bear for yourself.
I think that this is especially potent and up for you right now because you are on your way to being a coach for others. You have committed to being someone who can be there to offer help and guidance to others. when one does this, we must journey through these things ourselves so that we have a personal and intimate understanding of it - how else can we know what is going on for someone else, or be able to coach them through it, if we have not experienced it for ourselves?
This is the only reason I can even answer these letters: it is because I have and am journeying through these exact same things. That is how I gain an understanding of them.
In the meantime, I invite you to work with Pema Choden's technique called "Feeding Your Demon". You can look it up online, print it out, and work with it as often as feels right to you. It's a wonderful, sweet, powerful technique.
This time is about a recurring dream I have which I would like to get my head around.
Very often I dream about my husband not wanting to see me anymore. In my dream I sense disappointment, heartbreak and sadness, but strangely more on his part. It's almost like this decision has been made cause he felt betrayed by my something I've done. Knowing my husband I sense this is the end... so I feel lost and hopeless... like I have not been able to enjoy the blessing God gave me and I have lost a part of myself without even knowing why.
In my dream I suddenly realize how good of a life we had together, and I'm anxious to know where he is, to speak to him, to explain... but I feel so much sadness... and then I wake up and I know this is not a premonition, but I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to see!
I've been reading "It's a guy thing," and the author states that of course all lovers worry about losing their love! It comes with being in a marriage! And this has made me feel better... 'cause deep inside I love the life we have, I feel his presence is such a blessing even though we may not really look at life in the same way! But I feel we empower each other and we grow together...so why these dreams?
A friend who is a healer and seer told me that once I get my coaching starting I will be more within my truth and somehow my husband and I will finally be on the same level, we'll be equals and our lives will really take off... somehow I could really understand what he meant!
Also, whenever I'm PMT I resent him for being greedy and being a taker... I accuse him to just take whatever it is and never give back, and as I said before I can be quite vicious about it... food, sex, everyday life... it's all the same! I don't know how to deal with this as I always end up putting him down instead of holding a sacred space for us. Say we are at the table, then I'll expect him to share his food with me cause that will show me he treasures me and cares for me. The trouble is, he is English and I'm Italian... so two different cultures when it comes about food sharing... still... we can really argue about food resentments! I should be able to laugh cause he is like a kid, still I take it so personally!
Do you think my dream and my reactions are linked? Is this related to the answer you gave me the other day?
By the way, since you gave me your insights the other day you should see me at work... it's so liberating to be able to walk away from your own anger..thank you so much for helping me out!
OK. These dreams, of course, as you already know, deal with fear - the fear of not being good enough, and therefore being abandoned - a fear that you are "doing something wrong", and deserve to be, or will be then, deserted or punished in some way. The belief that you are doing something wrong translates into, as the basic common denominator, that "I am wrong. Just in being who I am, I am wrong."
I think that you have a program running that constantly gives you permission to make yourself "wrong" instead of "right". What if you started giving yourelf permission to be RIGHT, instead of "WRONG"? How would that look and WHAT would that feel like?
Because you are training to be a coach for others, you are going to have to be able to trust yourself and your guidance to others, true? This is all about learning to trust and have faith in yourself, and yes, to be able to stand up for yourself, as we spoke of in the other letter. Standing up for yourself is a big part of it. As you learn to stand up for yourself and speak your truth calmly when something has happened that has bothered or troubled you, or you feel slighted or demeaned in some way, as you bring it up right then and there, and no longer hold it in or ferment about it - just calmly letting another know where your boundaries are, and what is acceptable, or not, to you, then the built up anger which lashes out will no longer have the built up pressure, and it will no longer break through or need to lash out. You will know that you can stand up for yourself, protect yourself, set boundaries, and speak your truth, and then let the situation truly go. It's over and done with, and you no longer have to carry it around as fermenting toxicity, rot, and baggage. It is VERY important for you to practice this.
Then, even if you have PMS, you have established a discipline that allows you to be strong and deal appropriately with your emotions. It's too easy to use PMS, or being tired, or hungry, or annoyed, or irritated, or frustrated or whatever else, as the reason a person gives for their inappropriate and undisciplined behavior. No way, no how! Out the window with that. Bad behavior is bad behavior, and it comes from a lack of consciousness, or an unwillingness to face and deal with oneself and one's own issues.
As a coach, all of the above mentioned qualities of setting boundaries, discipline, etc. - all of these things are the things you will be needing to teach your clients - and so you must develop them first, in yourself. You are having to go through this exploration and process yourself in order to offer it to others.
If you accuse your husband of being a taker - you must have a program in yourself somewhere that says "I am a victim. I get taken from and taken from. And I have no power to do anything about it. Everyone is bigger and stronger then I am." Isn't this true? This goes back to that same issue we have been talking about: about not being a victim and changing that to instead being able to consciously and calmly and firmly STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. All of the resentment you feel, I think, stems from this - that you have allowed yourself to be a victim, and to be stepped on, and now you resent it deeply and are very angry about it. However, if you believe that you are "WRONG", then the thing that follows this is that you deserve to be treated badly - you deserve to be a victim. Do you see how all of this loops around and around? But it spirals back to the same basic distorted programs you are carrying around that need to be exposed, dug out, explored and transmuted.
The crazy thing about having a program where a person feels that they are not good enough is that they then, themselves, try to have power over others, making others "wrong," too, because that is how they themselves feel. It is a projection onto someone else of a person's own angst and woundedness. It just keeps that wounded "I am not good enough and therefore I will tell you that you are not good enough" cycle going. That is quite different then coming from "I'm ok and great and you are ok and great," isn't it? It is still coming from seeing yourself, and therefore seeing others and all things, actually, as WRONG.
In other words, it is your own anger at yourself that you feel that you are throwing onto him. Then you feel guilty and worry and dream that he will leave you, because this behavior only solidifies for you that you ARE nasty and wrong, doesn't it?
I think that your dream is telling you to move into Gratitude as a spiritual practice, moment by moment, instead of constantly looking for what is wrong, in yourself, and in others. As a coach, you will need to be able to see the beauty in the people you will be working with, a beauty that is just temporarily covered up by illusions and distortions. When you support who they really are, and their true beauty, which is what they are actually going to be hiring you to help them become, and remember, and see for themselves, you will need to not be focusing on what is 'wrong" with them, but what is "right" with them, in order to gain their trust and truly support them. But first you must be able to do this for yourself, and your husband.
When you know that you are "all right" - meaning that you recognize who you really are - a spark of God; a spark of the divine energy that permeates everything and everyone, then you will no longer take things personally. Taking things personally means that you are so raw, thinking that you are bad or wrong, that when someone says or does something, anything, you immediately take it in as a criticism, as them telling you that you are bad and "do it wrong" - because that place in you is still so actively telling you that, so raw, and so THERE, ready to believe it and have that distorted belief validated.
I invite you to read the book THE FOUR AGREEMENTS, in which the author, a wise spiritual being, takes you through this whole issue of taking things personally, among a lot of other important things. I think it will be important for you.
Also, just the fact that you think you have to wait to be a coach to become equal with your husband tells me right there that right now you don't feel equal - that you think it is something you have to do to get equal - again, that in just being you, you are not enough right where you are at this very moment. That is faulty thinking, and if you don't explore that, even when you get to be a coach, you probably will still not feel equal, because the belief that you are not good enough will still be operating. Do you see that? it isn't about what you do to enable you to feel ok about yourself, although it can help strengthen one's feelings of success and accomplishment, for sure. But it is more about knowing that you are solid and good and ok, in this and in every moment. Do you really see this?
It isn't enough to understand and get it mentally or intellectually. You have to release the toxicity and the faulty beliefs and really feel the energy of it, and then allow yourself to bring in and truly feel a new kind of energy and way of being.
Warm regards and blessings, Ayal