"I'm obsessed about not putting on weight and can't stop nagging my husband to lose his fat stomach."
I hope all is well on your side of the world.
I'm wondering if you'd be happy to help me gaining new insight about a recurring situation in my life.
I spent most of my life between anorexia and bulimia, checking my weight all over again and refraining myself from letting my hair down, really enjoy life. I have always been very controlling, especially about food.
So guess who life sends me of all the men? My adorable husband, who couldn't care less if he put 1 pound or 1 stone on, who really enjoys life, food (these days good more than bad food), wine and company. He is very fluid, really in the "now", and firmly believes life is for living as we are not here to stay! Three years ago he suddenly stopped smoking out of the blue, and for him that was a very big achievement. But for me, as I told you in a previous email, it wasn't as I thought he then needed to look at his diet and going to the gym more.
For a while I have managed to make sure he would just eat the right things but to be fair his weight never changed and he slowly started to lose interest in my healthy ways. This days he says he's tired of being treated like a kid, that I'm way too strict and he's tired of being called fat and that he has a big belly.
Yes... I do call him fat, I do say he has a big belly, I wish he could weigh himself everyday, go to the gym more and never touch sugar or refined food again. Truth is, compared to other people, we rarely have processed food, are careful with sugar, don't eat biscuits, so I should be really happy right? Well I'm not while my husband feels like he's in a good place right now and he really doesn't care if he puts a bit of weight on as we are going out more nowadays, which means we are enjoying life more, and we are socializing more which is what we always wanted.
I can't do it Ayal... I can't be like him... the idea to even think I may put weight on really freaks me out... I feel fear in my spine!!! He can't understand me, and he thinks I'm obsessed and I'm making him feel bad about himself... is it what I'm doing? Am I that awful? I can't go with the flow like he does, but then if he told me I can't have sugar in my espresso I'd be very upset! So I control him but would not like at all if he did that with me.
I told my mum that I don't like being fat as I associate that with being greedy, and my mum rightly observed that my husband is not greedy at all... but why do I stare at his belly the whole time? It's so obvious that I can't believe he has not showed me the door so far... I could never be with someone who does that to me...
Ayal I want to sort this out once for all, but I'm really lost! I want balance in our lives but somehow I'm creating this whole big mess and my husband refuses now to be healthy just because he feels controlled...have I created this because I don't come from a "healthy" place when I impose myself on him?
I want to be like him but I can't. I really can't... I really fear I'll lose control and I don't know what would happen... well ok maybe I'd put some weight on or maybe I won't be healthy or spiritual anymore..but it's not the end of the world right? But it'd be for me!!!!
I'm so upset cause I thought he had understood that food is energy and that's my concern...he now thinks it's just about being bigger or slimmer...
Last night I went out with my cousin... and I was having such a lovely time I drunk a whole bottle of wine on my own... I know I will take it very easy today food wise, so I trust myself in that respect... had my husband done that I would have gone mad, as I'd not trust him to then be responsible with food... And the more I'm like this, the more he then eats junk food after a night out.
If you asked me, I'd say we are having such a lovely summer, socializing more, eating lovely food and drinking good wine (even though my husband then drinks whisky).... so I should be happy right? But then I look at his belly (it's not even big to be fair!) and I freak out and start moaning...
Ayal I'm so tired... I feel like my soul is telling me that I will get ill if I don't change my ways... it's such a strong feeling... I feel like it's imploring me to let go... but let go of what... and how do I stop reacting to life?
I want to treat my husband like a king while I'm just treating him like a servant right now...how sad...
Hi there– well, until you deal with and release your own fears, and learn to be your own primary source of support, this kind of stress and fear you live from can only continue.
One of the things that is showing up for you is that you are still coming from a more adolescent place of rebelling against authority. This is something usually found is teenagers who feel they have no power, but are wanting to have power and find their own way. But they feel they can't do that yet – they don't have enough inner power/foundation. They still live from a place where others seem to have more power then they do, so they fight against it and are angry at others, without yet being able to stride out on their own as a powerful adult. They are still too young. When you turn your attention against your husband, and see in him all of the things that frighten you, you get angry at him. He is like the parent who is not perfect – and, in order to feel safe, from that more adolescent place, not yet ready to handle things on your own, you get upset when you see his flaws – when you see that he is not perfect. Do you see this? The child part of you is longing for someone whom you have set up to "be more powerful" then you to love you, hold you, and keep you safe. When you see that they are only human, as most adolescents finally realize this in their parents – that the parent is not perfect and is, in fact, flawed, they react with disgust, rebellion, and anger. Anger is a way to feel more powerful and safe. Your way is to get angry, anxious, and then try to control everything.
Until you stop doing this, and grow into your own powerful self and know that you can take care of yourself, and keep yourself safe, this dynamic will rule you and your relationships. Maturing is a life long process. The way to get there is to monitor yourself – to gain AWARENESS where you can recognize that your own fear and issues have been triggered. You then stop yourself, and do what you need to do to face the fear and work with it, using whatever technique(s) work for you. You pull your energy back from wanting to blame or control someone else, thinking that this will keep you safe. You become, in other words, your own guardian and support team, not looking for that anywhere else. When you are mindful in this way, and take responsibility for yourself, life changes amazingly and dramatically for you, in every way.
I have previously given you the Whole Heart Healing technique and perhaps others. Are you conscientiously using them whenever a fear surfaces? If not, to be honest, there really will not be much more I can do to help you, unless you are willing to help yourself. When you turn to me, you are still looking for that outer authority, someone whom you think is stronger then you and will keep you safe, instead of doing what you need to be doing for yourself. It is the child aspect of you still wanting the mother figure to keep you safe. You have to become your own mother and take care of yourself. Until you do, as I said, things will remain the same. I hear that you truly want this dynamic to end. Well, to do that, you must cut the strings to outer sources of "power" - the mother, especially, in your case, or even the father figure – your husband. This does not mean that you do not have a relationship with them, but instead that you begin to relate to others from your own powerful adult place instead of the angry and fearful child.
Even having excess weight is a sign of not feeling safe and trying to make yourself feel safer with extra protection around you and trying to nurture and nourish yourself, but in an outer based way instead of an inner strength based way. This means that when a fear hits you, you are able to recognize it, be with it, and then know that you can work with it and release it. You don't run from it, or lose your center – even if it is a huge tidal wave of fear – you understand that it is only a fear, and therefore not real – that it has surfaced so that you can get free of it. A frightened child who has not yet learned to have this kind of strength runs to the parent or someone else to take the fear away and be comforted. But this does not root out the fear – it is only a band aid. Only by facing your fear can you be free of it. The technique Feeding Your Demon by Pema Chodron, a wonderful woman who is a Buddhist monk, is a great technique for doing this in a loving and empowering way. It is also a great tool to use for gaining mastery and strength.
When you love someone else enough, and when you love yourself enough that you are able to finally say, in a clear, strong, adamant voice that " I AM DONE WITH THIS, AND I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO BE DONE WITH IT FOREVER!!!! I WILL NO LONGER ENGAGE IN THIS ENERGY THAT HURTS ME AND OTHERS!!" - then you will stop hurting yourself and living in fear. When you stop hurting yourself, your relationships with others changes to match this.
In this way, by facing your own fears and issues, and seeing that you have the power and strength to do something about it – and when you feel the love and support of spirit hearing you and backing you up in your good choice, then change happens, and you are no longer the fearful victim, feeling adrift and terrified in a seemingly threatening universe. You are no longer lost, but free.
However, if you look to me to do it for you, or anyone else – such as your husband, it can't work. We can give direction and care along the way, but at some point, you must be willing to leave the nest and fly free on your own – and enjoy the ecstasy of that. When you are ready, it will happen.
In the meantime, you work toward that. Instead of putting all of your own fears and issues off on your husband, realize that he is just a mirror for your own fears. If you have fears of being fat and therefore unloved and consequently unsafe, and you try to get safe by changing him from being fat – how does that help you? You will still have all of your own fears that continue to haunt you and run your life. Even if he ate in the most incredibly healthy way, and stopped smoking, and looked lean, etc. etc. and so forth for forever, it would not make you one bit safer or more loved, because these fears that you put off on him are living ISIDE OF YOU.
As long as you remain fixated on all of your wounds and fears and hurts, you cannot heal them. When we ferment over old wounds, that is being externally and victim based – someone or something "did" something to you, you think, from a victim place, and by god you will stay angry and fearful and scared that it will happen again. Staying locked in this kind of fear paralyzes you from any kind of taking power for yourself or responsibility. You keep waiting in fear for it all to happen to you again. When you are strong and then someone does something "off" or from some of their own distortion, you are able to shrug it off – it's nothing. It's their stuff, and you don't suck it into your body thinking that it is your fault or cowering in fear.
Spiritual power – is a life long journey. It is THE journey we are all here to make. It doesn't happen overnight, but comes with work, dedication, commitment to self and to your own soul development – it comes through experiences and growing in wisdom, step by step. So, if you are willing to take the steps, being kind and gentle and patient with yourself, recognizing your fear – accepting it – honoring it when it shows up, and then calmly and patiently and kindly working with it – then you are well on your way. All of this, learning this self kindness, is what the journey is all about. When we see others doing it, we realize that we can do it, too – that it IS possible, and we use them as role models until we gain our own mastery with it.
Why do you think they call meditation a "practice"? It takes PRACTICE to get it right. We practice and practice and pracice until one day – pop – we get it done. Until then, it is fine to look at others and use them as models, to ask for guidance, but you must also mainly and foremost DO YOUR OWN WORK. My question to you is: Are you doing that? This is where the expression "God helps those who help themselves" comes from. We must "trust in Allah, but tie up our own camels". Do the work, and the Universe supports and works with you, big time.
Ayal, thank you so much for your words!
Yes I've been doing my work but it's only left me more confused and really drained! Could this be because the intention behind my work in not in line with the Universe? Maybe I ought to look at these wounds differently, instead of thinking I need to fix myself cause I'm broken or I'm not like the others? It's the only thing I can think of when you ask if I'm doing the work... I really am but it never gets better!
Anyway, I will not give up! Thank you do much for you help again..and yes I know what you mean when you say I look for your help or my husband's... I always think others know best!
Well, you feel drained, I am being told, because you are doing the work from the place of thinking you are not good enough, and, as you said, different from others, and not good enough, broken, needing "to be fixed", etc. As long as you believe this, how can you be loving yourself when you do the work? The belief that you are broken will still be the main thing operating, the energy permeating everything, affecting the outcome, and setting you up for failure. You are fighting the current. That is exhausting.
The stream of energy to be in is that you are wonderful and perfect, and are on a remarkable and courageous and epic journey - - JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!!!! As long as you think you are different and everyone else is better then you, you are in victim consciousness – in separation, not union – and separation is EGO, yes?
You are coming from the hurt, wounded place of the ego, so it is the ego running the show and trying to "fix 'yourself, because it tells you that you are broken. God don't make no junk!!
The ego can't heal you because it says you are broken. It is the Spirit that heals you, or rather, allows you to see who you really are. And the Spirit is Divine, Unconditional love. As long as you come from the ego, which ferments about all of its hurts and its no goodness, and its wounds, and poor, ugly, beaten up me, then that is what you get. It DOES drain you because it is not affirming life and love and your own unique beauty and perfection. Does a snowflake bemoan itself and think it's different from all the others, and no good? It does have its own, unique beauty, but don't all snowflakes come from the same source and made from the same Divine idea and material? We are ALL the same and we come from the same Source. We are all God in different forms, and when we dive deep and get to that level of ORIGIN, and core truth, that's when things change. Usually the ego is afraid to go there, because it thinks it will disappear – that your body or self will dissolve. It won't. It just gets shinier.
When you can let go of this ego idea that you are so addicted to and used to thinking from, and living from, and come from the Divine Heart place instead, THEN you will feel awesome and know who you truly are. So, when you feel drained, realize that you are thinking and feeling from ego thoughts, stop, take a deep breath, and move your awareness into your Heart. Breathe from your heart – in and out of your Heart. Let the Heart energy fill you with love – with thoughts of beauty and love – even lovely images, like how you might feel looking at a sunset.
The problem has been that you are not coming from love, but from the I'm not good enough ego. You can't know who you truly are and feel good coming from that. You must switch your consciousness from your mind to your Heart. Think and live from your Heart. Make a lovely nest for yourself in there, and start living in it. THAT is the essential journey.