"I need some help with understanding the law of attraction; I really find grasping this concept quite hard!"
I need some help with understanding the law of attraction. You rightly told me last year I was creating whatever was happening with my husband's business. Now, I know it's been a year, but I really find grasping this concept quite hard. Since then our business has been very still, if anything thing it's got worse! My husband met more and more scamsters, we had no money coming in from the business! He tried so hard to keep it together with loads of ups and downs but we both feel our life is not moving forward. So now I really don't know how I can create something different. I think what is stopping me is that I don't think I can as I would interfere with my husband's life! This is the confusing bit for me as a part of me believes is wrong to "create" a better business for my husband! I'm truly stuck with this!
Yesterday he told me off as he says that every time he asks for my advise I'm right there reminding him how lucky he is that I never asked to go back to his 9-5 job. There is an element of me now getting fed up about the money, maybe even being slightly resentful about him doing what he wants to do and still feeling down about it all at times!!! I'm not quite sure what I do it but I do say things like "oh well maybe I'm mad and I should really want you to go back to your old job which was giving you loads of money but I don't cause I want you to be happy!" It feels like I'm blackmailing him, doesn't it???
Am I allowed to do as much as I can to create the best outcome for us both even though maybe my husband is not necessarily on my same path? Whenever I talk to him I think he does understand and he even says he finds my words reassuring but then he'd rather go back to his video games rather than sit down and truly master the law of attraction! I must say his resilience is admirable and also I can tell his opening more and more. He asks me for Reiki, he's enjoying nature more and he's been trying to go to the gym more - even though, suddenly, the old ways come back! Am I doing the right thing in supporting him through this? Am I allowed to believe it will go ok? Shall I create an outcome that is for the good of all, accordingly to the free will of all, no matter what the nature of the business is? He really enjoys what he's dealing with, but it seems to be so hard to do?
Thank you for your support and sorry if it's taking me this long to understand!!!
Hi. Here's how it works.
Your husband's issues are a mirror reflection of a very, very similar issue in yourself. There's a little bit of a twist with it, as I am getting that his issue leans more toward:
"I can't speak up for myself".
Yours is more of a refusal to deal with the world as it is. Which also comes from deep fear.
Yours is more of:
"I just can't deal with this, so I freak out."
They both come from the same kind of fear. That the world is a scary place, something that scares and threatens you in a potent and basic way.
Your husband tries to cope with this fear by retreating and hiding away. You try to cope with it by trying to fix everything. So, in this scenario, you become the frightened parent who is overprotective, frantic, desperate, thinking they must save everyone, and he is the frightened, hiding away child. Neither way of coping with this fear that you and your husband have will work to get you guys out of the hole ( literally - a hiding hole ) you find yourselves in.
The only way I know to get out of this kind of hole is to face your fear head on. That means facing it. It means finding out where it is living in your body: we bury and stuff our fears, especially when a child, deep into the layers of the tissues and cells of our bodies - sort of like burying toxic waste deep in to the geological layers of the earth. But it doesn't go away, that way - it continues to create poisonous situations in your life - and eventually it will rise up to the surface.
You have to expose it, feel it, explore it, and release it. And that is a very big thing to do,because when we face our fears - and we go there and feel them, it can feel like a tidal wave. But if we have the tools to stay firm and grounded and supported while we do this, we come out the other side unburdened by them - free of it. And often this is an ongoing life process. We go at it layer by layer as it shows up. So WE show up, to deal with it.
If you look at it, for your husband, someone who is stuck in the powerless child's place of believing/feeling that everyone is stronger then he is - and that he can't stand up to them or speak up for himself - what then would having a belief like that create in one's life?
Wouldn't it create people scamming him, tricking him, overpowering him in some way? And isn't this what is happening? So, he hides away and escapes in the fantasy things he does to feel safe. Facing the big bad world out there is just too scary and makes him feel impotent and powerless and prey, basically, to others. Until he can face this fear and shift it, he stays stuck. You cannot fix it for him.
There ARE moments when it is appropriate to offer our insights, if the person's soul is ready for it and asking for it - but there is an appropriate way to do this. It can't come from wanting to FIX THEM - because that means that you, yourself ,are still coming from fear - and if you are still coming form fear, then you're both still stuck in the same loop of fear, and continuing to feed it to each other, to pass it and bop it back and forth between one another, like a ping pong ball.
If, however, you have truly faced your own fear, and found it, where it comes from, felt it, worked with it, and released it ( many methods to do this his are available ), and if - when - you have come to the very clear realization that you can and will not live from fear any more - that you've cleaned it out, like cleaning out the old, cluttered, moldy attic - then, that fear just isn't there any more - you have moved on from it. THAT is when, then, as part of this process - YOUR OWN PROCESS - of moving on from it, you can legitimately and appropriately, from an authentic and truthful place, go to your husband and say:
"I have seen where my fear comes from. I went there, and found where it came from and what created it. I have seen what it creates in my llfe, and how I have kept swimming around in it. I no longer choose or will do that. My fear has matched your fear, but I am moving on from it. " ( and you have to be utterly and absolutely committed to this - even if it means leaving a relationship if the other person chooses to remain in fear. It means being so committed to living from a higher place of consciousness and clarity that if it means letting go of a relationship that lives in the poison of fear, that you have gotten to a fearless enough place of your own that you CAN leave it - if it means that staying in it keeps you tied into and being pulled down by that level of fear poisoning your life. )
So, if you can , at that point, come from the place of :
"This is what I must choose - I am no longer a caterpillar crawling around on the ground fearful of life - I have evolved into the wonderful freedom of being a creature of the air - I am free of that other life that kept myself in fear."
If you can honestly say that, and get to that point, by facing your own fear and no matter what, no longer being willing to live in it - then you can say that to your husband, because it is about fixing and supporting YOU - NOT about fixing him. And then he has a choice to make, about whether or not he also is willing to evolve from the caterpillar into a different way of being. That can take various forms - but it means, bottom line, facing the fear which has kept you feeling so powerless. And it means YOU being willing to move on and evolve - whether or not anyone comes with you. THAT is freedom, and it takes a foundation of spiritual strength and trust and commitment to yourself to get there.
So, it isn't about fixing him, or that situation. It IS all about you evolving yourself and moving on to a better way of being - a higher consciousness way of being - that allows you to live freer - to live without so much fear. If you also have fear and refuse to deal with the world, then you and he have the same basic fear and will continue to collude together with it - and the problems you are seeing in the form of feeling safe and supported with money - financially - feeling safe in the world - come from this deep place of buried fear.
Trying to fix him still comes from that deeply anxious, fearful place, and so it can't heal it. You will instead continue to be anxious, try to "fix it", and round and round you go, still stuck in fear.
All you can do is do your own inner healing work, and if he is meant to stay with you, he will also move out of and heal his levels of fear.
Or, the other option is, you don't do that, and stay as you are, dealing with the same shit all the time.
It's totally up to you.
Below you will find some good info on The Rescuer. I invite you to read it and really work with it, exploring yourself through it.
Rescuer (knight, healer, hero)
In its empowered profile, the Rescuer assists when needed and, once the rescue mission is accomplished, withdraws. A Rescuer provides an infusion of strength and support to help others to survive a difficult situation, crisis, or process that they may lack the stamina or the inner knowledge to maneuver through themselves. Unlike the Knight, to which it is related, the Rescuer is more common among women, especially in its shadow aspect. The shadow Rescuer often surfaces through a romantic connection in which one party seeks to establish an intimate bond by lending emotional support, with a hidden agenda that assumes the rescued party will return the Rescuer's romantic feelings. Such romances are at worst destined to fail, and at best are still unhealthy, because the shadow agenda has to keep the "rescuee" in need of being rescued, lest the Rescuer lose her significance.
Healing and empowering the Rescuer within is a common emotional challenge, because being needed is essential to our nature. Most people can relate in part to the characteristics of this archetype which somewhat parallel the Knight, Healer, Hero, and even Servant. If you have this archetype, then also compare the characteristics of these others to gain a full understanding of this archetype.
This archetype comes to the aid of people in genuine need, such as in threatening situations and natural disasters; he or she does his or her job and gets out (firefighter). When underdeveloped, the Rescuer may come to the aid of another who is in the throws of illness, despair, or a bad relationship, only to find that the rescued ultimately leaves as there is no further need to remain. Any relationship based on neediness has an unstable foundation for all concerned. The underdeveloped Rescuer must be willing to look internally at these issues. The challenge of this archetype is to evaluate the motivation behind why assistance is extended to another, or if personal gain is involved as the motivation, on some level
The shadow side of The Rescuer therefore, sets up relationships that result in the need to be rescued personally. A Rescuer needs to be needed, and may have a deep core belief that "I am only important and loved if I am responsible for another and needed by them." Beneath this, of course, is the deep fear of abandonment. "If I am not needed, I will be abandoned, unloved, and therefore my survival is at stake, (if I am abandoned I will die), and I must make myself indispensable." This means that often the Rescuer will take it upon himself or herself to do the tasks another is fully capable of doing. Resentment on both parts can and usually is the result. Thinking that one will be loved IF one is responsible is a false conclusion. The opposite is actually true. By being responsible to oneself, and loving oneself, by being true to oneself, one already has love - inner love - because one is who one is, not because of what one does for another.
RESPONSIBILITY IS THE ABILITY TO FULFILL ONE'S NEEDS AND TO DO
SO IN A WAY THAT DOES NOT HARM ONESELF OR DEPRIVE OTHERS
OF THE ABILITY TO FULFILL THEIR NEEDS.
RESPONSIBILITY IS THE ABILITY TO BE WHO YOU ARE IN YOUR FULLNESS.
The shadow side also manifests in The Rescuer when the Rescuer derives a sense of power over others because as the Rescuer, he or she is the one with all the power and the "rescuee" is the weak one in need of the Rescuer's strength and expertise. Because of this, lopsided relationships are developed, similar to a person holding forth with a monologue in conversation when it needs instead, to be healthy, to be a mutual participatory experience. With the Rescuer in its shadow form, there is no give and take. There is only give with no receptivity toward the power or abilities or input of another. This can result in creating relationships where the one to be rescued is crippled, losing their their own sense of power, ablity, or worth. Often the need to rescue comes from a deep, inner insecurity, a need to have one's own power validated, affirmed, and recognized. Or it can be a protection against intimacy, because when one is in the postion of power, one does not need to be vulnerable, receptive, or intimate oneself. Thus there is no danger in being criticized or judged.
With the Rescuer in the house of Self worth and Self Esteem, this may mean that you held this place as child growing up, thinking you needed to save your parents, if they seemed dysfunctional, wounded, or in distress. Many children think that it is their "job" to save mommy and daddy, and this pattern can remain stuck, deeply ingrained throughout one's entire life: that their self worth is based on their ability to save or be there for another. Then they are a good girl or boy. This pattern, gets re-created and acted out time and time again in relationships. There is nothing wrong with helping another, if there is a true need there, and one has been asked to help. As a parent, that line can become very fine, and it takes a lot of insight to find the balance.
Because you have the Rescuer archetype in your life, you are discovering your need to validate your own inner worth and power, and in doing so, how you relate to others, allowing them to have their own worth and power, will come into play. As a parent, or partner, for instance, one does not want to be overly protective, or micro managing, as this results in crippling one's children or mate and can instill in them a sense of insecurity and an inability to be able to depend upon themselves and their own power. However, one also does not want to be too distant or unavailable. A good question to ask is: "Am I truly needed here? Is there a real need for me to step in, a real danger, or should I wait and trust that this person will, as a powerful soul and aspect of the Divine, find their own way? Is it more empowering for this other for me to not involve myself here?" An invitation for help is usually a good indicator that it is appropriate to offer your assistance, but even then, there are ways to faciliate and guide the person back to finding a way to figure it out for themselves, thus engendering more self empowerment.
Trust is a key component here, as trust in oneself and one's own power leads to the ability to trust that others, also, have the innate ability and power to find their own way and go through their own process appropriately, learning as they go, making mistakes, but being essentially all right. Always check your own level of anxiety and insecurity when working with the Rescuer archetype. Heal that first, and then your answers and responses to other situations will become much clearer and appropriate. Ask yourself: "Am I feeling anxious or fearful or insecure? Do I need to be needed at this moment?" If the answer is yes, then work internally to gain your own sense of self love, inner power, and safety.