"I want to have children but my time is running out... I'm being made to wait until I behave well enough to be good enough."
I discovered your website whilst searching about self love. I came across some guidances that were really useful. I am in the process of unravelling this whole thing of loving myself at 36 years old I realize that this is the key to most things, and at times I struggle with it. Sometimes I am very motivated and committed to the cause and other times I just feel like giving up. I would love to keep up the momentum. I moved a couple of years ago to a new city because I wanted change. I moved for love with my boyfriend. We have been together for three years and our relationship has been rocky to say the least, but see these challenges as good opportunities for growth.
My boyfriend is younger than me and has made it very clear that he doesn't want to get married, I do, it was always my dream to meet the man of my dreams and get married. My parents divorced when I was younger and never came looking for me. My mother chose to never meet another man. I also want to have children and feel like my time is running out. I feel I am being made to wait until I behave well enough to be good enough. My partner needs a lot of pushing, and so whilst I have been doing my own work, I have been giving him support along the way. Living in a new country with a language barrier I have been able to secure a job and the two apartments that we have lived in. He cannot seem to hold down a full time job, stating he wants to start his own business and has resorted working for his parents to make money. He no longer lives full time with me whilst he undertakes a project for his dad in another part of the country.
The place we moved to is his country of origin and so he speaks the language and all, I just don't understand why he finds it so difficult to find work. He refuses to speak to me in the language of the country and discourages me from doing things I want to. I'm tired of being beck and call girl and I am tired of nagging and shouting, crying and everything else. Despite not wanting to be married or being ready to have children he wants to buy a house with me, and makes a big deal about me showing up to the various family events and friends' parties as his girlfriend. Once we are there he then ignores me. I feel like my mind is being totally plaid with and my heart too. If we have a disagreement about something, I always seem to be the bad person. I know I am no saint but I can't be the wrong person all of the time can I?
Living in a new country and settling in has been difficult. I feel as though he has one foot in the relationship and one foot out. He tells me he loves me and wants a family one day and the next he will say something else. I don't know what to believe anymore. I am really trying to focus on me and my development, my well-being. I know HE cannot control ME, I know that I CREATE all of my experiences, I know that change comes from me... so why do I struggle so much to let go of this relationship? Is there something deeper that is holding me back? And what can I do to resolve the issues in me and have the kind of relationship I truly want with this man? Thanks for your insight.
Hi there. Thanks for writing in. When we have a challenging situation or relationship, and it is a chronic one – such as a core relationship – what we must understand is that even if we left that relationship or situation, if we have not worked out our own issues or done our own inner work to change why we are having the problems we are having, then even if we did move on to a new relationship or situation, we would create THE SAME THING all over again. Why? Because we are still coming from the same place and broadcasting out the same signals and way of being that would draw back to us the same kind of thing.
It is never about another person, place or thing. It IS about what we are carrying around inside of us – what we bring to the table. You say you understand this, but a lot of your letter was also about "It can't be ALL me", and how this guys does this and does that, and how he treats you, etc. All of that is externally based and makes it about somebody else. Granted he has his own issues that he also brings to the table, but these issues will match and play into and reflect yours. Like attracts like. My father used to jokingly say about people that the holes in her head match the screws in his. And it is true.
So, my sense is, there is still a ways for you to go to really claim this - knowing that you ARE creating this situation for yourself. Not just a yeah yeah I get it/shine it on sort of response, but a really serious, deep down getting it – because when you get it on that level, you SEE clearly what you are broadcasting out from within yourself in order to receive back what you are getting. It becomes crystal clear. And "Of Course!"
Because of your experiences as a child, when your parents divorced and as you put it, "didn't come looking for you" - you have carried around a deeply painful and ingrained belief that you are not good enough – that you are not even worth loving – or else they would have "come looking for you" and had you be an important and beloved part of their life. That is the belief that came from the wound.
To make up for that, I think, you always wanted to get married and have a family where you WOULD be loved, and safe, and secure. The opposite of what you had that caused such pain and doubt in yourself and your worthwhileness. True?
It doesn't work like this, though. You were right on the money in your first sentence when you said you were surfing the net for info on SELF LOVE. That is where you will create and find the balance and safety you are seeking. All of the behaviors you have expressed about your guy, and what he does, all come from this belief – the energy of doubt about YOU being worth loving. He is just playing his part in your script and reflecting back to you the kind of thing one would create having in one's life because of carrying around this belief and deep fear. The deep fear that you will be abandoned again and not treasured or loved. This is what you have inside of you, this fear, and so you look out at the world and at your partnership through these glasses. No matter what someone does, these glasses will tell you to beware, that you are not loved, that it is a dangerous and iffy situation.
If you look at it from an energy stand point, being adrift, in a sense, in a foreign land, where you don't speak the language with someone you can't count on, who keeps leaving you alone there, feeling unsafe and helpless – sort of like a child feels in the world, dependent upon someone else to protect them in this strange world and help them navigate through it – you have recreated, have you not, that same scene except with different background, that you had growing up. Different player – same plot. What's the common denominator? YOU. You are replaying and recreating the same scene from this unresolved wound and energy pattern that is still operating and playing out from within.
Do you recognize this?
So, of course, we have to take off the glasses. This means deep, ongoing, self healing and exploration.
You are needing to release feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. These feelings can be seen in your description of how you feel in a strange country, your partner seeming to have confusing behavior, etc. etc.
It will be necessary for you to release the pattern in you that created this and that runs you.
I invite you to do some healing work with the 5th chakra – you can look this up online. I would work with healing this chakra 3 times a week for 4 weeks.
I also invite you to – and this would be very important – find a qualified breathwork practitioner near you and start doing some breathwork sessions to heal, release, and unveil this energy pattern. I would suggest that you work with breathwork twice a week for a while, maybe 3 weeks, and then once a week for 5 weeks. Then see where you're at.
Healing oneself, however, is an ongoing process. One doesn't just do a few weeks or months or work and expect it to be done. I have been on this path now for 35 years, and I am still refining and moving onward to clearer and clearer and more lucid places. Like anything, you start with the denser and most deep and stuck stuff, and you keep on refining and clarifying as you go. There will always be something to learn and grow into.