"I don't know how to deal with people, I don't know how to relax or take them for what they are."
I got really traumatized yesterday, as I saw myself struggling in one of the easiest scenarios ever: a colleague offered to pop to the local supermarket with me and I got panicky. I could really feel my heart going mad and sheer terror going down my spine.
I panicked as I was afraid to show her what I was going to buy... truth is I panicked to let her in, to show her my world... It's now been a few days this trait has been showing more and more and is driving me insane and makes me feel so ashamed. I don't know how to deal with people, I don't know how to relax or take them for what they are.
Everything is set up, controlled, every word, mine and theirs, every action... only then to mess up every single time by saying too much or something I don't even think.
Ayal I'm suffering so much, I feel I'm a freak. Last I emailed you, I told you how I really would like to be a holistic coach...come on, this is a joke!!! I can't even get myself to have normal interactions with people.
I've noticed how my solar plexus is always in agony, it hurts me so much.
I have opened my heart to my husband, and he was shocked as he reckons people like me very much and he was sad to hear me saying bad things about myself... but that is my truth.
I constantly worry people will laugh, will judge, will wish bad things... As I was shopping yesterday, I felt guilty towards my friend for being able to buy pricier food... geeee!
So yesterday while talking to my husband something came out in my soul... like a little whisper... telling me that I take... it just said "you take" and it felt in my heart like I take from these people or use them or something along that line.
I have been thinking about this, and it's probably true... I need them to wish us well, I need them to say nice things, I need them to say it will be ok.
And then I asked myself what would happen if I gave up this control, if I took people with what they can give, and my heart felt free.
But then every day life is different and these little agonizing fears, this terror that has been with me forever and only got worse since I met my husband and my father passed away, pop up and make me want to puke every time I start a conversation with anyone... I need to control every single aspect of this new relation, I have to make sure this person will only think good things about us.
I feel so drained and confused... I'll be 39 on Saturday (but my moon and ascendant are in Scorpio!) and I feel good as woman... so what is this? How does this contribute in any way towards harmony and stillness? I feel like I can't be a coach... but then I can't wait to become perfect so I can be a coach... it does not sound right!
I feel so small right now, I'm at work and I feel people can see I'm just a little one, with her little cheesy life constantly talking about her husband and the good life they have... Maybe it's in my head, maybe they think this is cute... One of the girls told me she feels in her heart (to be fair Ayal I think she is an angel or something... like she's been put on my path for a reason... as she comes up with things she could not know or no one-else sees... not even me!!) I need to treasure my marriage by really appreciating my husband and I are so close, I should not be ashamed of this as we grow and evolve together and many people look for this without ever finding it!! I should not spoil it with words or other... How does she know? And why do I not know? Why do I think every time I mention his name people will be laughing or wishing badly?? Why do I think people are always out there to get me, and envy me? And the more I think this the more I talk... like I'm trying to prove a point! Obviously this is not only about us, it's about everything...
I got to the point that I don't know when people are joking... I take everything personally.
This morning I got the card of the archangel Methatron for wisdom... but what wisdom as I feel so at odds right now?
Thank you and apologies for the dramatic tone of my email.
Hi – it sounds to me as if the tip of the splinter, which is this issue for you, has now, finally, popped through to the surface, and you are feeling it rub constantly on everything, and seeing it – it’s up in your face, and that is a GREAT thing, because now it is no longer hidden, or buried, and you are confronting it, and no longer projecting it onto others (such as your husband).
When a tidal wave like this erupts, and you are just IN IT up to your neck – but your eyes are above the water – it is a GOOD thing. It means that you have done all the other work necessary up to this point to get your head above water enough to see it. Even though you are feeling swamped by it at the moment, that’s ok. It’s like the body sweating out the toxins within it by having a fever. Let it just pass through – be with it, feel it, see it, and know it for what it is – toxins releasing.
The main issue behind these feelings of needing to control it all, and basically NOT FEELING SAFE, worried about not being good enough, that everyone is judging you, feeling exposed and vulnerable and afraid that you will be found wanting – seeing others as a threat, or that they have power over you in some way - it all comes from a core, deep feeling of HOPELESSNESS.
I am also getting that this sense of hopelessness has to do with an overall issue with THE FATHER. An issue that goes back even to other lifetimes – it may perhaps have something to do with some lifetimes where your survival depended upon the father, and it just wasn’t a good situation, and you may have felt not good enough to merit surviving – or perhaps you experienced being told or related to in such a way that you came away with the deep belief that you didn’t deserve to live because you were not up to standards.
I think that it would be very important for you to do some past life work to reveal this issue. One way to get to it is to contact an astrologer I worked with, named Brad Williams – you can find him online - he deals very profoundly in finding the past life story that this present life is still engaged in working out, and healing it. It is very deep, core work, and I think will benefit you tremendously, and bring all of this into a sharper focus for you. This is A SURVIVAL based issue – where you think your survival depends upon the attitude people have toward you – and to me, it makes sense that in other lifetimes, that may have been the exact situation you found yourself in, and directly experienced. The lesson you are learning in this lifetime, is that your survival depends upon YOURSELF – and how you think and feel about yourself is the thing of paramount importance.
In your letter you went right away into denegrating yourself and thinking it was a joke that you could be a healer. This is EXACTLY the energy/issue you are confronting – that place in yourself that you go into – that you are not good enough and in no way even deserve to be thought of as anything other then a joke, an incompetent. This is an old, deep wound/belief, and it is now up and open to the light of day. It’s exposure, though it makes you feel very vulnerable, is crucial for you. But it has existed WITHIN YOU – you have just been projecting that inner issue outward like a spot light onto others, and thinking it is coming back at you from other people. Since you created it, it is in your power, and your power only – NOT anyone else’s – to transform and heal it, and release it. To create a true belief – not a false one.
Your husband is surprised to hear you voice these feelings because he sees you truer then you see yourself. Follow his example. See yourself for who you truly are. Separate the wheat from the chaff – the shadows from the truth. You keep buying into the shadows and thinking they are the real thing. How come? Finding your OWN INNER CENTER OF AUTHORITY AND STRENGTH, seeing your true self, instead of depending upon an externally based one, is the challenge you gave yourself in this lifetime. And you are working on it very diligently, I would say. Honor THAT in you – that takes great strength. But, in those other lifetimes, and even in this one, your mistaken belief was that your survival DID depend upon someone else, and woe to you if they didn’t think you were good enough to merit it.
BUT, it’s all about YOU knowing and believing that you ARE good enough to merit it – and to find your own, core strength and ability to go through life from that place.
This is what is coming through for you at this time.
I invite you to do some further explorations with this – there are various techniques to vision with and explore past lives – you can look some up online, and find some that work for you.
I also strongly invite you to schedule and have a session with Brad Williams.