"I'm confused and a bit ashamed as I feel in my heart that I love my mum more than I love my husband."
Warm light and love from London!
I don't know if it's the equinox or the full moon, but once again I find myself at odds..and feel rather lost and puzzled...the same situation has presented yet once again... to my dismay, I thought I had learned the lesson, but it turns out I didn't!!
Since my father's death, the most peculiar thing has been happening causing all sorts of tension and misunderstanding.
As I previously emailed you, I'm italian while my husband is English; while my father was still around somehow my husband's ways were more down to him being from a different culture, than suddenly everything has gone down the hill. Since my dad passed away, I've been feeling the need to prove to my mum that my husband is amazing, I'm constantly manoeuvring all situations so he is the hero of the moment... only that it always ends up in tears.
When I wrote to you back in november, I thought I ad understood that I needed to let him and mum and sisters to build their own relationship... truth is I did the same thing all over again.
My mum has been with us for a week, so I really wanted to prove to her that we are fine now, that my husband is amazing and that I have changed and no longer need her approval.
Ayal our home was a movie set for the whole week... I wanted my husband to show how amazing he always is to my mum...but he just completely went within... flat!!! Silly things like the fact he usually lights a candle on my dad's little altar. Well my mum was here and he never did it once. He usually helps me with little chores..he did not lift a finger this week!!
So the whole week I was feeling a bit tense, as I really wanted us to make up for november, but at the same time I was watching my husband...and this is why I need your help, cause I really really do not understand how he is mirroring me this time!!!
Ayal, I feel my husband keeps people, and especially my family, at distance.He always tells me that him being english and coming from a cold family does not help at all. He did kind of admit that he possibly keeps them far from him...I can carry on telling you why I think this should be different, how amazing my mum is, how upset my husband is at his own parents for being soooo cold and distant... how I can see him trying his hardest not to fit in into my family and my culture...
But telling you all this is not going to help, right?
I seriously do not understand why I'm making a massive deal out of this, why I constantly need to point out to him how amazing my mum is, how amazing I'm at his parents, how he never makes an effort when we go to Italy...
My husband may have loads of oddities and be quite hard work but he loves me and I feel his love the whole time...and he means well.
So the reason why I'm at odds this time is the following:
1) my mum told me I need to stop asking for her approval about my husband! I think she knows he can be demanding and a bit moody, but I'm also sure she knows he really loves me and his heart is in the right place. She probably thinks there's something from his own family stopping him from being close to her and my sisters and she would like him to relax a bit! She feels bad things get tense every time we are together, but somehow I sense she feels I'm not helping the situation at all.
2) my husband really changes especially when my mum is around. He is normally shy, but I know he is very charismatic. Still, when she or my sisters are around he goes flat.. .he is still polite, but I can really sense he wants to keep them far. And this drives me mad, cause I'm sure of what I'm saying but still I don't understand why I can't just laugh it out. It's like I'm suddenly on a mission to cure my husband from years of coldness and poor communication.
3) I don't understand the whole scenario any more. Even as I'm writing to you I'm confused and also a bit ashamed as I felt in my heart yesterday that I love my mum more than I love him... I feel so sad about this... Sometimes I find myself resenting the fact that he keeps me away from her..when he really does not... he may not be ready to be best mates with her but he always wants us to spend as much time as we can together.
I feel like I'm a bad person, as I'm telling my husband he needs to step it up a bit when it comes about fitting more into my family... while I still love my mum more than him!
In this whole drama, one positive thing has been that I didn't feel like I needed my mum's reassurance this time about my marriage, whether my husband is right for me or not. While up to november I kept on asking her if she thought he was for me... this time I could see myself knowing that he is indeed and we are both in this to grow together and heal each other... But I just don't get why I'm creating this whole pantomime. And to be honest my mum is concerned too as she says from the outside it looks like I'm showing my husband off the whole time... almost like I needed to convince myself he is worth it! But worth of what then? Maybe of the fact that I feel like I left my mum behind because of him???
Ayal, I feel I'm at a crossroad, our marriage is at a crossroad (meaning it can really develop) and this has been brought up to our attention again for a very good reason. I sense that if we get it right this time then we can all move on. Would you help me please to understand so that I can help all of us? Also 'cause talking to my mum, she said something between the lines my sisters and I need to stop demanding her attention and let her have some time for herself as she is still grieving for my dad... but she feels she constantly needs to be there for us! So I need to sort this out for all of us!
Thank you so much for your great help and insights... I hope you know how huge of a help you have been to me... I know that after each one of your replies a little bit of my mind, heart and soul become freer!
Hi – Well, the issue you are dealing with is Unconscious Hopelessness – you feel hopeless, which is why you want your mother to approve of you, and you want your husband to look and be perfect – both of which will, you think, help you finally feel safe and secure in a world where you don't feel safe, a world that doesn't feel at all safe or "hopeful" to you.
Hopelessness means feeling powerless, where everything and everyone appears as bigger and much more powerful then you –the child's view of things - it would be like a child reading little Red riding Hood and being afraid of the dark woods and all the 'big bad wolves" in it, and then looking to others to reassure you that everything is really ok.
When you refuse to deal with the world yourself, when it terrifies you, or feels threatening to you, with all that that means and brings with it, it's because you have not yet claimed or developed your own inner resources – the ability to allow things to be what they are, and the ability to stay centered within yourself and deal with it all from a place of inner strength and trust in yourself and your own ability. So, you look for that from your mother and from your husband.
Your challenge is to be able to grow your own sense of strength and groundedness – to continue to work on and grow a solidity in yourself where what you see and what happens out there in the world does not throw you. So, since you have looked to your mom to be that rock of steadiness, and you want your husband to be that steadiness, when he isn't "perfect" in that way for you, and he has his own issues, you feel like you're standing in guicksand, and you get thrown, because you are looking for that safety and strength outside of yourself, in him.That can never work for you. No one can give you that safety or refuge from fear except yourself.
If, as you say, you think you "love your mom more" – I'm not sure that's what's really going on. I think that you feel "Safer" with your mom, because you are still staying in that child place, feeling protected with her. She is wanting you to grow up, however, and she is telling you to – but YOU are the one wanting to stay in the nest. When we marry, what our souls are offering us is the opportunity for a grown up relationship – not a mothering one. But, you do not feel as safe in that, so you think that you "love" your mom more. It offers you a totally different challenge, where you are being asked to be in a relationship as an adult and equal partner. But you are not being a grown up, equal partner when your child inside of you demands that he be everything you need to be safe and to show mommy and the world that you are ok and have done a good job. YOU have to get to that place of maturity and acceptance and inner strength within yourself. When he doesn’t give you this, you get angry at him, and you feel betrayed, and you think you love your mother more, and this fermenting over and over (regarding these feelings of frustration and not feeling safe) are what is causing such trouble between you. You want him, basically, to be the knight in shining armor who rescues the fragile and helpless princess in her tower – but – who wants to be that fragile, helpless princess? You need to rescue YOURSELF, and then enjoy playing in the world from that place of strength. He can't be that knight for you. That's all fairy tale nonsense doesn't work that way stuff.
Since this is on an unconscious level for you, though, what has shown up is the need for a soul retrieval, to retrieve that lost part of you that can help you with this inner security and strength. That's the next step showing up. I invite you to find a good shamanic practitoner near you who offers soul retrieval
I also strongly invite you to get the book Loving What Is by Byron Katie, and working with her techniques. There is also a great program called Unconditional Confidence by Pema Chodron that I think will be very beneficial for you.