"Any relationship I have starts off so well and then I chip away at it, constantly looking for reassurance and or signs that things are going wrong."
I find it quite easy to attract men into my life as I am (at first) good fun and easy company to be with but as soon as I feel any emotional involvement for someone I panic, surrender my power and become passive as I begin to look for signs that they are 'going off' me. I'm always able to find something! This in turn affects my behaviour - I become less confident, less fun to be around and I find it hard to be affectionate. I lose track of being an active, equal participant in the relationship and feel everything has to come from the man for 'proof' that he still likes me. I tend to ignore any red flags or what I might feel as it becomes all about what he feels.
I met a lovely man (I thought anyway) who I clicked with and he wanted to have a relationship with me. Everything was fine at first (i.e. he was very attentive) but then I began to distrust him, thinking he wanted to get back with his ex and now there are signs he is attracted to a co-worker and he is far less attentive. I panicked at this and became moody and withdrawn which in turn makes me appear less attractive and of course her more attractive as the 'new'. I questioned him on a couple occasions about his ex and the co-worker he had began to mention taking breaks with and her dress sense and it became obvious he had no interest or patience left. I blew it basically. At the same time, I can't be in a relationship if I don't feel trust and re-assurance although I realize some of this has to come from me. Any relationship I have starts off so well and then I chip away at it, constantly looking for reassurance and or signs that things are going wrong. Eventually I end up destroying it although often it turns out that my fears for lack of trust are justified. I'm now over 40 and have had years of angst and tears and stomach in knots over men. I just really want to be able to have a proper happy relationship but I'm so scared of being vulnerable and it not working that it never does! I just wish I could relax and get it right. Everyone else I know is in a happy, stable relationship but it is the one thing that eludes me.
Well, I think that you have some very clear insights about this, and are willing to face what it is within you that is creating this unhappiness.
The one place I would go further than you have is this, however. It is not only partially about you. It is ALL about you. It is NEVER about another person, place, or thing. The men you attract, and the situations that then get created ALL come from this program and energetic pattern within you. Our realities are created in OUR MINDS. So, even though you say that your fears are justified because look what happens, that is not true. Your fears CREATE all that happens. Yes, these men have patterns that would match yours, because like attracts like. But it is YOUR pattern that is attracting people to match your own fears. They are simply actors in your play, acting out the roles for them that your script has already written, due to what YOU BELIEVE and expect to happen. You've already written the play - they just come in and act it out for and with you.
So, the answer, of course, is that you have to write a different play, and find out the reason that has caused you to write such a play in the first place. When you are willing to accept FULL responsibility for this, then you have the power to change it. It's all up to you. And, you have the power to do this. Just as you can delete an old program in your computer, so too, you can delete old programs in your mind (the body's computer ).
The issue that you are dealing with is: Not trusting the flow and the process of life. It is an issue of not feeling supported by life. You EXPECT to be abandoned and let down and left on your own, in a fearful place, and the great fear that goes with this is what keeps showing up in your life to sabotage your relationships. As soon as you have someone come into your life, this fear of loss and being abandoned clicks in, like a person drowning, and so you begin to clutch harder to the "life raft" but are sure, at the same time, that it is going to deflate and leave you in the middle of the ocean.
I think the reason that this has been so hard for you to get a handle on is that it goes all the way back to your birth, and actually, even before that. It is a deeply unconscious issue that got created before conscious thought kicked in. Because of this, what is showing up is the need for you to do some extensive birth work. I invite you to find a holotropic breathwork practitioner near you, and to begin a series of sessions with this work. A minimum of 3. This will help you a lot and open a lot of doors for you toward healing this.
Also, something is showing up for you called being entangled in the planetary conscious mind. You seem to be very impacted by and open to the prevailing fear based energies on the planet – a level of fear that most of the planet's population abides within. You need to disengage from this. You can do so by doing a visualization where you envision the planet, and see the fear of the populations coming off of it, perhaps like smoke. However it shows up for you. Then you see where you have energetic cords attaching you to this energy – how you are tangled up with it and absorbing this energy. Take an imaginary scissors or knife and cut the cords that attach you to the planet in this way. Once you have done that, surround yourself in a glowing cocoon of white light, asking that this light be of the Highest vibration of Love, wisdom, and clarity. Then, allow yourself to breathe in this new energy, feeling it deeply in your being and filling every cell. Continue to keep yourself surrounded in this cocoon of white light, doing a meditation to surround yourself with it at least 3 times a day, and more as /if you desire it. Continue to allow yourself to be nourished and filled up with and lovingly supported by this energy, every day from now on.
Also, you are needing to do some healing with color. I invite you to sit in meditation, twice a day, for 10 minutes each, and visualize a beautiful deep orange – almost a sort of rust orange, but not a deep rust – just a beautiful orange color with a hint of rust in it, and breathe that color into your 2nd chakra (the pelvic area), front and back, letting it totally fill that area up. See a beautiful spinning wheel of this color of light there, and just relax into it and let it feel great. As I said, for at least 10 minutes.
I invite you to try these things, and see how this works for you.
Trust that you CAN AND ARE AND ALWAYS WILL BE SUPPORTED BY LIFE. It is only your belief that you aren't that is in the way. Allow yourself to experience another way of being as you do this work, and the old ways will begin a process of falling away. Be patient with it, and with yourself, and commit to the process and whatever is involved with your healing.