"I have a mind that races and constantly distracts me from my goals and current focus."
I wrote you some time ago regarding some health concerns I have had. You suggested a heavy metal detox. I've since got the test done (which took me awhile to build up courage to move forward with this) and the results show that I, indeed, have elevated stress levels, toxicity levels are high and most of my important mineral ratios are far from ideal. I know that my body is a mirror of my internal self and it feels that I am, in a sense, deteriorating physically and desperately need to detox to kick start my body on the path to healing. Even with your helpful spiritual insight regarding my issues and find it terribly difficult to move forward in life and take the next step (ie: start my detox)! It is like I have a problem making any kind of decision, such as, what detox program to follow and how do I know which one will work for me. My tendency is to research and over analyze my options which can be very time consuming and stressful....I need to find more of an intuitive balance with respect to making the right choices. I even struggle to wear new clothes or use new things? I know my Grandpa had this issue as well. What is the underlying cause for this? Why do I have this reluctance to proceed in life or move forward?? Perhaps it has to do with a 'rusty/corroded' connection to source which in turn results in a lack of guidance or ability to take the next step...?
With regards to healing, it is like I'm waiting for things to 'magically' manifest/happen to me. Sometimes, I feel that I should be able to cure my body just by raising my vibrational frequency and I consequently berate/condemn/criticize myself when I fall out of a higher vibration. It seems I want to jump to vibrationally healing my body fast, and I know that anything is possible, maybe it is my beliefs regarding this are not aligned with that premise yet? As a result, I guess I must embrace the protocol and physically detox my body first as my cells and tissues are far too compromised for just a vibrational/emotional cleanse as you need healing on all levels: mental/emotional/spiritual/and physical. Personally, for me I feel that my mental and emotional aspects of myself are way out of balance and I can't get centered/clear. Can u confirm this by scanning my energetic signature??
Additionally, it seems I have a perfectionist complex that is driving me crazy!! Perhaps, it is from the family lineage/past life issues? Whatever the case, I must clear and integrate this somehow. Worst of all, I have a mind that races and constantly distracts me from my goals and current focus with these crazy thoughts that appear twisted and perverse in nature that 'rip' me from the present moment and my peace (what little I seem to have). It's like this behaviour and thoughts are unconscious and are controlling me. I never used to experience this in my teen or early adulthood years-sometimes I think these thoughts and dense energetic vibrations are not even my own, but I have got them lodged somehow in my vibrational craw. It has gotten so bad that I cannot go a single moment without this strange OCD behaviour kicking in whether at work, during dinner, with friends--there is absolutely no relief for me at all--I feel drained to the point of quitting it all and giving up! Any advice?
So how do I deal with this issue as it is always taking away from the now moment and robbing me of happiness and feeling that connection with source?? It feels like I have these lower vibrational energy patterns "stuck" in my energetic field that keep me tethered and hinder me from living a higher vibrational experience and moving forward in life. I feel I can't resolve it no matter what I do. I try to project higher vibrations (feel good emotions) but always fall back into old patterns and feelings of depression; notably, the inability to concentrate and think distinctly, melancholy-gloomy state of mind, low energy and lack of interest in most activities. I have even withdrawn from society and have lost contact with most of my friends. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore. Why is this happening to me?? It's like I have these core toxic emotions in my energetic field that have, in turn, compromised my physical health and mental wellbeing; for instance, the biggest one for me is my inability to 'get over' my last personal relationship. Every day it hurts me and I don't know why. Also my indecisiveness, my self critical nature, guilt, anger, irritability and feeling stuck--all these emotions I feel are tied together and are byproducts of repeating negative patterns/frequencies. I think this has had a spillover effect into all the areas of my life including career, relationships, finances. Ayal, could you verify if indeed my assumptions are true??
Most troubling for me is that I'm struggling with finding a career identity. When I was growing up I always wanted to be a professional ice hockey player but it's like I gave up on my dream. I know I had the talent (still possess it) to have achieved this and it bugs me dearly that I'm not living this currently. Right now I could be making millions and playing a sport I love. It seems I've been cheated out of my 'ideal' job. Now, I feel stuck, unfulfilled at a job I hate!!! Just thinking about it makes my stomach turn. Minutes feel like hours and i feel in a constant state of tension/distress but I still stay. There's so much negativity at that place that I just can't maintain my vibration there but it is a good paycheck. That being said, I've come to a crossroads now-there's no fulfillment for me anymore and the money doesn't seem to even be a motivating factor. It's like I have evolved/expanded spiritually beyond that but have not been able to actualize a rewarding career for myself. I don't even know where to begin. It is almost to the point that I should quit but do not no where to turn next... kinda scary! Any suggestions? I still love hockey but maybe it just was not meant to be and the universe has a different plan for me?... What is it? I want to wake up every morning and feel energized, alive, and excited for the day ahead; instead, I feel trapped, overwhelmed at work, unable to focus, stressing about the forthcoming week and definitely not in alignment with my higher purpose!!! I know this job is not a reflection of my soul essence but I have been allowing it to be.
Another major sticking point for me is that I beat up on myself for not being further ahead in life at this point in time and wildly successful like others who are millionaires and living a life of purpose, abundance and prosperity (the comparison complex again) On the contrary, I find myself dissatisfied with my perceived lack of movement/success with regards to my career and my place in life-It is like nothing ever changes or improves for me. I want to partake in the fame, success, and accolades others are experiencing with their endeavours in life but my health issues together with my uncontrollable mind drains me of any life force to direct to my vibrational advancement/evolution. It is like I am hopelessly lost in the sea of life-no direction, no guidance (struggle to receive messages) from my higher self. I feel I'll never turn this around and I want this to all stop!! I know everything happens for a reason and it will make me stronger but why all this suffering for me!
Lastly, Ayal, do you have any guidance with regards to career ideas for me?? I like the idea of being self-employed/entrepreneurship/network marketing/business ownership. I have a university degree in Science and know I can accomplish any task I set my mind too. I have received criticism from relatives for not using my degree and this adds to the guilt and confusion I feel right now. Originally, I thought I wanted to be a doctor but now I have a new found desire for New Age philosophy. My interest seems to be anything metaphysical from channeled messages to the law of attraction to reality creation. I want to be of service to others and make a difference in my life and the lives of others but struggle right now from my current situation. It is like I have a belief system that says you cannot make a living with this and you must work hard at a job you may not like in order to enjoy life. I know the universe has a divine plan for me-I just can't see it/feel it/ or know what to do next. There's too much going on with my mind, it is so preoccupied with useless thoughts and distracting noise. I know getting heart centered would help me to hear spirit but I struggle to do so. Bottom line, I want desperately to move on from this to help unlock my innate talents and gifts; clear any blocks, obstacles, or inhibiting patterns; and raise my own frequencies, so that my mind, body, and spirit will "detox" and awaken to a destiny/future that makes my heart sing with joy.
I apologize for the lengthy rant but there is definitely a therapeutic element to writing your thoughts down :-)
Well, the first thing I want to say to you is "Join the club". You definitely are by no means the only one feeling these things (myself included) these days... and from what I have heard...
And this last sentence (this was sent to me by a dear Reiki Master friend of mine) is the key.
It IS all perfectly evolving, because it all just IS WHAT IT IS. (Try that mantra out in each and every moment. It works well!) It just IS WHAT IT IS, or as Source says: I AM WHAT I AM.
When we are in a compulsive worried complex, what has happened is that – and you are right on target – we have misplaced our connection to Source. Instead, we are in fear – we are worried and want to control having everything in its place immediately, and we want it to stay there! BUT - Life does not stay in one place. I think that if we were able to see life as it exists energetically, we would see a never ending shifting of color and movement, like streams of light, always streaming and dancing around. In a flux like that, there is nothing to hold onto – all you can do is enjoy the show, and let the energy streams carry you along – like being in an inner tube in the river. It isn't judging itself or any strands in the flow – it doesn't care whether one is a hockey player or a metaphysical healer. It just remains in bliss, doing its streaming.
We are the ones, on our ego level, who get caught up in imagined strands of river weed, thinking that we're better if we are a doctor or a lawyer, or what does Aunt Matilda think of me? It doesn't matter. What does matter is that you do what feels right to you and brings you that sense of joy – of streaming – it doesn't matter what it is. There are no judgments in the energy stream of the Universe.
Here's a good example. For the last week, I have done nothing one could claim much fame to, except sit upstairs for hours having and enjoying a Deep Space Nine Marathon. Part of me began judging myself, and I heard these old tapes about "What good are you doing in the world!!!?" Or "It's a beautiful day, and why aren't you outside??" etc. etc. Old, nagging voices. But, I just sat up there and had a great time. And do you know what? The last sentence I heard Captain Sisko say, in the last episode I watched was, when he asked "Who am I?" the answer came back: "YOU ARE THE DREAMER, AND THE DREAM."
So, there it was.
Now – ponder that one for a while!! I'd heard it before, of course, but here it was again – that mind blower.
And here's what I think about a dream: when we are dreaming it, it feels so real, and we ARE experiencing all sorts of images and neurons in our brains are firing as we experience our dream adventures....but then we wake up, and the dream fades away as if it had never been. Where does it go? No matter how hard you try to grasp it, it is gone, most of the time. Well, it goes back into the stream of cosmic energy, I think, and streams along with all the rest of it, adding the color and flavor of the adventure that got created. It becomes a part of it all – a new creation, if you will. So, it doesn't really matter what we create. We only think it does.
You are looking for something that you already have – it's like frantically looking around for a candle in a room when actually you are holding it in your hand.
You already HAVE yourself. When you can kick back and rest in that, and enjoy that – you are THE DREAMER AND THE DREAM – then you can just enjoy whatever it is that you are cooking up. You can even enjoy that you have cooked up an Aunt Matilda and the story you are currently dreaming about in which you choose to worry about what she says.
I love that saying from Alice in Wonderland (or maybe it's Through the Looking Glass) where she says it takes all the running you can do to stay in the same place.
I interpret this as we are running all over the place trying to get somewhere, when there is no where to get to, and all we need to do is just be still and enjoy whatever the moment is bringing us.
Because you have a deep seated belief that you are not good enough, you think that you have to run around looking for yourself, when you are standing right there! In other words, "What's not to like?"
I think that you are very clear, actually, and very intuitive. I just think that YOU don't believe it, or in yourself.
Now, in terms of making decisions – well,remember in the movie Lord of the Rings, where Gandalf and the gang are lost in the mines of Moria, where he says, after finding his way:
"When in doubt, Meriodoc, just follow your nose."
Well, I now say that to you – just follow your nose ...if it smells good, go for it and enjoy. You don't need to bother or worry about anything else. In other words, just allow yourself to have your feelings, without judging them. If it feels good, go for it. We never know what its about, usually, except that it feels good to be doing it. I didn't know that Captain sisko was going to drop the meaning of the Universe on me after hours and hours of enjoying Deep space Nine... I just showed up for the show.
And that's all you need to do – just show up for the show. In the moment, take a nice deep breath that smells good, because wherever you are, that's your moment, and that breath is always there with you – smile, and open your eyes to enjoy the show.
So, if you want to take Vitamin c, or do a detox, do it. If you enjoy exploring the Universe, or become a Reiki Master, be one. Happy energy always works out because it is in the stream of it all, and in alignment with that stream. There is no other moment then that. That moment. There is no need to worry about making enough $ in the future, because there IS NO future. There is only the moment. Whatever choice you make, the show goes on, and that is the moment you have. So, relax, and enjoy the show!
You've been afraid of doing it wrong. Well, there is no wrong. It's just colors streaming along, no matter what you may be doing.