"I'm harbouring a lot of bitterness. I want to break free and do work that gives me energy instead of sucking it out like a vampire."
Hello dear Ayal,
I have come to the conclusion that I am harbouring a lot of bitterness, and I'm wondering if it's what's holding me back.
I have been diagnosed recently with a condition called pyroluria. It has been a real validation for me to have some sort of diagnosis that explains why I have found life so hellish so much. I am so glad to now be treating that pyroluria, and I have hopes that my health will improve in leaps and bounds over the next few months.
I have done so much "work" on myself in recent years. Necessary work, facing shadow elements, dealing with fear, and with anger. Now I'm wondering if I am sensing that there is bitterness deep down.
I have been working for many years at being a writer. It is my heart's desire. I have just had my first piece published recently for payment. That was a lovely experience! :) But writing is difficult and you have to have a thick skin to keep going with it. I don't have a thick skin, but my deep desire to continue is what keeps me driving it forward, I think.
In the meantime I need to find work to pay the bills that is not soul-destroying for me. I have been working for the past five years as a transcriptionist; the proverbial square peg in round hole, and I am just so sick of it. I want to break free and break into work that gives me energy instead of sucking it out of my toes like a vampire. I wonder if the bitterness and the lack of moving forward in this regard is linked, or if it's just simply not quite yet my time.
Hi – thanks for writing in. OK. Let's get started. Here is what is showing up for you, so let's see if we can weave it into a tapestry for you.
You are right on track when you are saying that you are aware of some bitterness... there is a refusal showing up for you to deal with the world as it is... this means that you haven't liked the way the world is, and you don't like being a woman in this world. You have felt helpless, and this has caused you to feel really pissed off and incensed about things. You are still holding onto old hurts and slights and not wanting to let go of some of your rage and the old ideas behind that rage that keep you stuck.
You have struggled with the issue of not being able to speak up for yourself (being a writer is doing just that, isn't it? It's a great venue for you to explore this need and issue of being able to speak your truth and speak up for yourself – your love of writing is a great way that your soul has orchestrated this growth for you) - and when you say that it is hard to make a living being a writer, that is simply a belief that ties into this issue – the place where you feel hopeless and helpless. Being a writer who is received by the world means first that you have to trust that you are worth being received – that you have something worthwhile to share, and you put it out there with total confidence and also a belief that as you breathe yourself out into the world from a place of Love, the world breathes back into you from a place of Love – it is actually a trusting of deep intimacy with the world – with willing to trust that level of intimacy... but if you do not trust this, it cannot happen for you the way you want it to. As you embrace the world, it embraces you in return. You can feel that deep inner strength and love and wisdom in great writers, true?
When one does not trust the process and the flow of life – an issue you have – and this includes the shadow side of things – the challenges we must face... because the shadow side of life is where our growth comes from – what pushes us to evolve and to grow, like the irritation in the oyster that brings about the creation of a pearl... but when you judge those challenges and shadow parts as bad, and you fall into anger about it, or ferment over it, remembering it as hurts and slights rather then seeing it as an opportunity for self exploration and growth.... then it is hard to move forward because you are not letting go of those angry feelings... If we hold onto angry feelings like a life, we cannot trust the process – and to trust the process means to trust all of it.
Your challenge is to Trust Your Source... to trust the process of life, and to see it all from an eagle eye perspective – to see the big picture. To see the purpose of contrast and conflict as crucial parts of the development of the story and of your characters, true? This is what a writer does for the world... a writer has to be open to "INSPIRATION" - and if you look at that word – to "INSPIRE" means to breathe the breath of life into someone or something – for inspiration comes from Source and flows into you – but to have that happen, you have to trust Source enough to receive it and breathe it in, like taking a deep wonderful breath of ocean air, and feeling the beauty and the power of it, and rejoicing in it - and you let it flow through you and fill you up. And you breathe that back out into the world as your writing. Your gift back to the world. This is how one is meant to go through the world.
Often, when someone is especially sensitive, as I think you are, the harshness of the world – the shadow side of challenges, can seem just to be too much, too unbearable. But that is what needs to be understood for what it is – it's purpose as part of the whole deal. This makes you a much larger being. When you deny any part of Life, you are fracturing things and removing yourself from Source/Spirit – from inspiration and energy, and then the flow of your good cannot happen.
If instead, you come at every situation and experience from the place of: WHAT IS THE BRILLIANCE AND PURPOSE OF MY SOUL HAVING CREATED THIS FOR ME? - then you move into a state of gratitude and adventure and exploration and strength. Right now the picture I get of you is someone who is kicking and struggling with the Tar Baby.... that never works... that way of being needs to be turned around.
So, I invite you to explore your belief and feelings of anger, helpless, and hopelessness, and be willing – see if you are willing – to let them go so that you can move instead into someone who trusts the flow of life and sees the bigger picture of what is really going on. Not letting that old way of being go means that you still want to be angry, because often people think that if they are angry, they have power and can protect themselves from perceived "threats". However, this is false - an illusion. It is not true power.
I think that the condition of pyroluria has to do with the issue of feeling "defeated".... so this ties back into what has been stated above. Releasing the pattern in you that created this will, I think, speed your healing along in a big way.