Trans4mind Home Page
Clearing the Way

"I'm harbouring a lot of bitterness. I want to break free and do work that gives me energy instead of sucking it out like a vampire."

Hello dear Ayal,

I have come to the conclusion that I am harbouring a lot of bitterness, and I'm wondering if it's what's holding me back.

I have been diagnosed recently with a condition called pyroluria. It has been a real validation for me to have some sort of diagnosis that explains why I have found life so hellish so much. I am so glad to now be treating that pyroluria, and I have hopes that my health will improve in leaps and bounds over the next few months.

I have done so much "work" on myself in recent years. Necessary work, facing shadow elements, dealing with fear, and with anger. Now I'm wondering if I am sensing that there is bitterness deep down.

I have been working for many years at being a writer. It is my heart's desire. I have just had my first piece published recently for payment. That was a lovely experience! :) But writing is difficult and you have to have a thick skin to keep going with it. I don't have a thick skin, but my deep desire to continue is what keeps me driving it forward, I think.

In the meantime I need to find work to pay the bills that is not soul-destroying for me. I have been working for the past five years as a transcriptionist; the proverbial square peg in round hole, and I am just so sick of it. I want to break free and break into work that gives me energy instead of sucking it out of my toes like a vampire. I wonder if the bitterness and the lack of moving forward in this regard is linked, or if it's just simply not quite yet my time.

Hi – thanks for writing in. OK. Let's get started. Here is what is showing up for you, so let's see if we can weave it into a tapestry for you.

You are right on track when you are saying that you are aware of some bitterness... there is a refusal showing up for you to deal with the world as it is... this means that you haven't liked the way the world is, and you don't like being a woman in this world. You have felt helpless, and this has caused you to feel really pissed off and incensed about things. You are still holding onto old hurts and slights and not wanting to let go of some of your rage and the old ideas behind that rage that keep you stuck.

You have struggled with the issue of not being able to speak up for yourself (being a writer is doing just that, isn't it? It's a great venue for you to explore this need and issue of being able to speak your truth and speak up for yourself – your love of writing is a great way that your soul has orchestrated this growth for you) - and when you say that it is hard to make a living being a writer, that is simply a belief that ties into this issue – the place where you feel hopeless and helpless. Being a writer who is received by the world means first that you have to trust that you are worth being received – that you have something worthwhile to share, and you put it out there with total confidence and also a belief that as you breathe yourself out into the world from a place of Love, the world breathes back into you from a place of Love – it is actually a trusting of deep intimacy with the world – with willing to trust that level of intimacy... but if you do not trust this, it cannot happen for you the way you want it to. As you embrace the world, it embraces you in return. You can feel that deep inner strength and love and wisdom in great writers, true?

When one does not trust the process and the flow of life – an issue you have – and this includes the shadow side of things – the challenges we must face... because the shadow side of life is where our growth comes from – what pushes us to evolve and to grow, like the irritation in the oyster that brings about the creation of a pearl... but when you judge those challenges and shadow parts as bad, and you fall into anger about it, or ferment over it, remembering it as hurts and slights rather then seeing it as an opportunity for self exploration and growth.... then it is hard to move forward because you are not letting go of those angry feelings... If we hold onto angry feelings like a life, we cannot trust the process – and to trust the process means to trust all of it.

Your challenge is to Trust Your Source... to trust the process of life, and to see it all from an eagle eye perspective – to see the big picture. To see the purpose of contrast and conflict as crucial parts of the development of the story and of your characters, true? This is what a writer does for the world... a writer has to be open to "INSPIRATION" - and if you look at that word – to "INSPIRE" means to breathe the breath of life into someone or something – for inspiration comes from Source and flows into you – but to have that happen, you have to trust Source enough to receive it and breathe it in, like taking a deep wonderful breath of ocean air, and feeling the beauty and the power of it, and rejoicing in it - and you let it flow through you and fill you up. And you breathe that back out into the world as your writing. Your gift back to the world. This is how one is meant to go through the world.

Often, when someone is especially sensitive, as I think you are, the harshness of the world – the shadow side of challenges, can seem just to be too much, too unbearable. But that is what needs to be understood for what it is – it's purpose as part of the whole deal. This makes you a much larger being. When you deny any part of Life, you are fracturing things and removing yourself from Source/Spirit – from inspiration and energy, and then the flow of your good cannot happen.

If instead, you come at every situation and experience from the place of: WHAT IS THE BRILLIANCE AND PURPOSE OF MY SOUL HAVING CREATED THIS FOR ME? - then you move into a state of gratitude and adventure and exploration and strength. Right now the picture I get of you is someone who is kicking and struggling with the Tar Baby.... that never works... that way of being needs to be turned around.

So, I invite you to explore your belief and feelings of anger, helpless, and hopelessness, and be willing – see if you are willing – to let them go so that you can move instead into someone who trusts the flow of life and sees the bigger picture of what is really going on. Not letting that old way of being go means that you still want to be angry, because often people think that if they are angry, they have power and can protect themselves from perceived "threats". However, this is false - an illusion. It is not true power.

I think that the condition of pyroluria has to do with the issue of feeling "defeated".... so this ties back into what has been stated above. Releasing the pattern in you that created this will, I think, speed your healing along in a big way.

Blessings, Ayal


528. "I am overly sensitive as soon as another woman shows dislike or disapproval for me."

Click here to donate & send a question to Ayal:

Clearing the Way   |   Laws of the Universe   |   Recommended Links

Looking for personal healing?

Trans4mind Training is our series of online, interactive video workshops. We present the most effective methods of holistic personal development, combined with support from expert life coaches.
The human heart made visible.

Support your personal development with these popular and effective hypnosis downloads...

  • Public Speaking Fear ~ Banish speaking anxiety and nerves with hypnosis.
  • Motivate Yourself to Exercise ~ Build a powerful exercise habit that you can't break.
  • Get Rid of Fear & Anxiety ~ Stop worry and apprehension wrecking your life.
  • Self Esteem ~ Break the negative trance of low self esteem and give yourself a chance in life.
  • Create Your Own Reality ~ Use the power of your unconscious mind to transform your life.
  • Deeper Self Respect ~ Use hypnosis to connect with your true inner worth.
  • Detach From Fear ~ Tune out nervousness and anxiety with hypnosis.
  • Improving Concentration and Focus ~ Learn how to discipline, direct and command your mind to improve your performance.
  • Exercise Motivation ~ Give you powerful keys to getting back on track with your exercise - and staying there.
  • Overcoming Shyness ~ Provides an invisible security blanket allowing you to develop social ease and overcome shyness.
  • Quick Confidence Booster ~ An audio hypnosis session that's specifically designed to get you (quickly!) back on track.
  • Stop Negative Thoughts ~ Learn powerful hypnotic techniques to stop negative thoughts before they start.
  • Overcoming Procrastination ~ Let hypnosis help you get on with what you need to do, when you need to do it. Let nothing hold you back.
  • Think Thin ~ Use hypnosis to re-train your brain and lose weight naturally... that's how to get and stay slim.
  • Fall Asleep Fast ~ Relearn how to fall asleep fast and enjoy a good night's sleep.
  • The Next Level ~ Designed to radically boost your performance in any field. It's based on a technique used by top athletes and other successful people to help them make a big stride forward.
This is our selection of favorites, but there's a session for every need! Choose from over 800 Hypnosis Downloads...
Search now on an issue that interests or concerns you...
 
Get a free Hypnosis Download at Facebook

Welcome to the New Wave in Meditation Technology

Click here to learn more about the iAwake Profound Meditation Program
The iAwake Profound Meditation Program is a way of enhancing your meditation practice, making meditation not only easier and more enjoyable, but also more efficient and effective.
Profound Meditation provides the smoothest, deepest, richest, most profound meditation experience available anywhere...
Here is a link to a free 20-minute track from iAwake Technologies - a sample of the type of tools that will deepen your meditation immediately and help you quickly become a successful meditator. It's the opening track of iAwake's flagship product, the Profound Meditation Program, called the iAwake Experience...
Learn More and Download the iAwake Experience
I think you'll find this technology a tremendous aid on your transformative journey of becoming your best and most creative self - and you can get started today!