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"We both really fancy each other but every time we attempt to have sex it always ends up in tears."

Dear Ayal,

I trust this finds you well.

Since I last wrote to you, I saw many improvements in my life, especially with my husband.

Unfortunately, though, there is one thing which keeps on happening and I'm very brokenhearted about it .

Despite all the love and respect, our sex life never felt right, not even when we first met. At the time I was aware that we both had baggage about the subject, but we've never been able to sort it out. It's now got to the point when we just resent each other, my husband says I'm too serious about it, while I just think he can't let himself go; he's always doing silly voices and it really feels like being in bed with a kid. He says that's his way to relax with his wife, while I find he's only hiding as he never acts like a grown man while we have sex. I tried to explain it'd be nice if he could be a bit more sexual or even just not as delicate... he keeps on saying I need to lighten up and I'm stopping him from wanting to have sex. So I'm really confused as we both really fancy each other but every time we attempt to have sex it always ends up in tears.

I don't know how I'm creating this... How can I be creating this when I always dream to make love to my husband?? I was abused as a kid, so yes maybe I'm not exactly relaxed about it, but at the same time my husband has been having problems with excess foreskin which have made intercourses painful, and he told me that some of the women he met in the past were not really understanding about this!

I'm really disheartened and confused as my husband says that now that we are 40, sex cannot be as important as when we were younger, and he feels like our love is more important. But I look at sex as a way to communicate and share... and I just don't understand how we managed to stay together, while I know for fact this can really split couples up... He says sex is fun and pleasure, but he puts me off with these voices and the fact that he can be quite routine... he knows what gives him pleasure and he just sticks with it... while I find this quite selfish!! He still says sunday morning is his favorite time... and I just want to cringe as I think about the rest of the week spent doing stupid things like watching TV!!!

I want to feel like a grown woman in bed, in my own power, I want to feel my husband really desires me and that he lets me close to him, while I just feel like we are two kids playing together.

What makes it worse is that of all days it had to happen again at the autumn equinox which is such a powerful time for me, so I don't even know what to pray for anymore.

Thanks Ayal for your help.

Sexual issues in a relationship are really challenging to deal with, and I understand your dilemma and feelings of deep frustration. It's usually a very tangled up and complex issue.

Tuning in for your husband, the issue that showed up around this is "Refusal to deal with the world as it is. Helplessness and hopelessness". Given that this may be so, it makes sense that he turns into more of a child to cope with what is an adult experience. Interestingly enough, your issue is the same.

So, you are both working on this, and it does make it challenging to have a good sexual relationship, one that feels seductive and adult and sensitive and passionate when this issue is going on. It is hard to relax into intimacy when one reels helpless and hopeless on some level. Your husband is trying to do so by making it light, which, in a way, even though it doesn't really work or attract your adult woman, is his way of trying to be courageous with it, and cope. For you, you are needing, I think, to be validated that you are worth it, a beautiful and sensuous woman – but often too, what can happen for a woman is the need to feel alive and powerful, and sex helps you feel this way... but it's also a way to help you feel as if you are loved, and to get you into your body, and not tripping around in your mind and nervous worries. When a woman has been abused, or a man, there are so many issues that spring off of it... fears of not being good enough, fears of being powerless (surrendering to the other), fears of reaching out and then being rejected... It comes down to trusting the process of life, and doing that can take a while to figure out and move through.

Both of you are needing to re-enforce your belief in a loving Universe (which allows intimacy and openness) and to reawaken new channels through which you can use the Universe's love to strengthen your ties with each other. All of this is about really learning to love. To deepen your capacity to love. Love is "the capacity to allow all living things to grow into their fullest expression of self." The love that you are learning to give is the same that you long to receive: without judgment, accepting differences, kind and forgiving, hopeful, and courageous.

In all likelihood, and as you mentioned, you've trusted those who have let you down or hurt you. You may have withdrawn your love from others as a result of rejection or abuse, and today you may be tempted to hold love in abeyance, afraid that others will again break the bonds of trust that have been established – or, that they (your husband) won't love you in a way that feels safe or "right" to you. While trust can be broken, it can always be re-created, because the love upon which it is based is always forthcoming. And so, as YOU learn to live in alignment with the loving Universe, you offer to others the ability to heal and change by building bridges of trust that cross the gulfs of human pain.

Trust that your old ways of thinking are underway, and you are emerging into kindness. (Think a while about this... how have you NOT been kind, or been self serving, or needy?) Maintain YOUR OWN balance, not looking to your husband for the feeling of safety and love that you get when you have sex, trying to feel safe and intimate and validated as a mature and beautiful woman – but learn to grow this feeling within yourself. That takes the pressure off of him, and his inner little boy who is trying to "get the job done". Focus on spiritual solutions to this difficulty. Give freely, because you understand the nature of change, and you know that love is always emerging around the edges of pain or sadness. We begin to understand love in a new way – what Loving really is - not for what it gives us, or how someone else "makes US feel", or what we need, but rather, it becomes something we contain within ourselves and radiate outward. It is not dependent upon anything or anyone else.

I think a major aspect of healing a sexual challenge is, first of all, great patience, and also letting go. We have to let go of how we "think" it ought to be, and let go of blaming the other person for not being able to give us our fantasy of what we think it should be. As I said, sometimes that fantasy is the need to be validated, or feel like an amazing, sensuous being, or to be safe... we are being challenged, I think, to instead accept that this is the perfect situation to dive deep and discover more of yourself through having this situation... to "trust" that even though it's not what you imagined it would be, it is what it is for a reason. You stop fighting it, in other words, like the Tar Baby story, and you let it be ok. This takes the pressure off of both of you, and then, as you do your own healing around it, you open the situation up to transform and change in whatever way it can. And again, that way may not be what you thought you'd have, but it may help you to grow within yourself the soul qualities you are really needing. When you feel beautiful FOR YOURSELF, and you give yourself safety, and you are expressing that passionate nature in your life in other ways, such as art, or music, or service, etc., you give to yourself that sense of aliveness that you are seeking. Sex IS wonderful, but it is also a reflection of one's ability to be whole, to give of oneself without agendas, to be able to be intimate (trust again), to be able to be vulnerable, to feel strong and whole and free in yourself. The other person can't give us that. But, once we have it within ourselves, we can at the very least relax about the issue and let it change in whatever way it can.

On the more concrete level of what you can do to help with this, I suggest this, for both you and your husband. If he isn't into it, then you do it for yourself.

Look up online the healing method called "Feeding Your Demons". It's a great, loving technique to face a challenge or obstacle in your life and have a direct dialog with it... in the process, it transforms... you both do it in your own meditative state, after getting familiar with the directions – or, better yet, record the process and then play it so you can be guided through it. You can each put the "demon" of your sexual difficulty in there, and work with it. It's really a fun and profound process, actually. I would invite both of you to do it twice in a 2 week period. Then just keep working with your own healing process, and see what insights or transformations can arise. This is a very safe way to begin dealing with this, and not as revealing or exposing as, say, going to a sexual therapist or a tantra workshop. That is another option, down the line, if both of you feel you want to and can do that. But usually that can feel very exposing, specially for a man and his sense of self worth.

As a final thought – sexual issues are some of the deepest traumas a person has to deal with, and there really is no quick or magic cure that I know of. It can be a lifelong healing process, the core issue of one's journey that one has come in to learn from and transform: feelings of self loathing and destruction can be found in it, feelings of fear and powerlessness and rejection, feelings of self worth... so when you come up against a sexual block, you are dealing with your healing on a very deep and many layered way. And it does take an often lengthy process to get through it... it takes great diligence and patience, and it does ask of one to dive deep into their own healing to get the lessons and soul depth of being you came in to get. It is not an easy or quick journey.

I'd also advise you to give the sexual pressure thing a rest as you move into doing your own healing. Notice what comes up for you, because needing sex is also an addiction – it "gives us" something we are desperately needing or trying to compensate for, and we may not even be aware that it is there.

The other option always is, of course, to end the relationship if you feel it just isn't serving you and you are not able to be who you truly are and need to be within it. But to be who we truly are is something we grow for ourselves, from the inside out. As we claim that, our outer lives change to match that.

Blessings, Ayal


524. "People have been stealing money from my bank account. Right now, I don't understand what I'm doing wrong?"

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