Dear Ayal, what a wonderful gift you offer to the world, thank you so much! I find myself stuck in a rut right now, especially at home with my husband. We just argue about the same issues the whole time, he accuses me to be angry and shout quite a lot... I find his energy overwhelming at times and I hate he just won't listen to me anymore.
Since a very young age I've been very connected to other realms, I feel like I should be using this to help others to develop their potentials, while I fear this would drive us separate ways. You see, quite few times we've been told we have been together in other lives (in one he was a warrior and I was his lady and I was involved in the craft; in another I was a shaman and in another I gave up on my family for my beliefs.) I know in my heart this is true, I can sense it, but it's driving me insane that in this lifetime he is a business man and I'm trying to carry on on my spiritual path while I end up being confused the whole time... I have so much in my head it feels it may just explode! So by trying to force this onto him I've just put him off and I ruined everything.
You know, Ayal, I feel my husband somehow knows there is some truth in what I believe (I know he still carries that warrior energy from a previous life and he has a very strong sixth sense and he's been seeing little white beings at night who play with him almost to invite him...and he told me this feels very natural) and from time to time he joins me in little rituals (the last one was at our anniversary and before then the equinox) but I must keep them fun and light otherwise he just switches off... so how am I going to develop and help him to develop with this speed?
I feel like I ruined everything... his potential interest in what I can offer, our wedding, our first anniversary, his relationship with my family...iIf we create our own reality than I've screwed up big time and now I don't know how to move on from this. Since our wedding day I have not stopped one second beliving my husband is selfish, single minded, heavy-going... it feels like I'm on a mission to find any fault under the sun... even his own parents suddenly are not enough for me anymore. I can't stop comparing them to my mum and I almost expect my husband to love my mum as much as I do and admit that his own mum is pretty cold compared to mine... HOW ON HEARTH HAVE I CREATED ALL THIS?
So here I am, on a mission to sabotage my own life, with a big spiritual mess in my head, a very stressed workaholic husband who also always tries his best and loves me very much and chose me for life... and that is the one thing I know... but who's also kind of very reactive to my energy. So I feel like we both are at a crossroad as individuals and as couple. I feel this moment to be huge but I don't know what to do to help both of us to come through it with a new awareness. I feel like we are both craving for the same things, i.e. balance, harmony, fun and wealth... but we just end up arguing over it! I'm constantly reminding him he's put weight on and he does not look after himself... I can't even appreciate that he suddenly gave up on his two packets a day of Marlboro. I'm like, "So what? It's not enough, you are still unhealthy."
I'd love to hear what you think, Ayal... my heart has got very tired now and I miss my husband dearly... I know he can be a bit full on but he never means bad and I just don't think he knows how to manage his energy yet (but then again do I??) Can we still make this marriage take off since it's just been overwhelming since the wedding last year? Thank you ever so much.
P.S. (I feel I should mention that my dad suddenly passed away 5 months prior to the wedding, and that week around his death was the most liberating of my life as I was not in control... I loved it and hold it very dearly in my heart. I feel like my dad left me a secret...)
Ok - let's get started.
Until you can accept your path and what you know yourself to be, how can anyone else accept it?
Your husband is only a mirror of how you are treating yourself. You are not accepting your path, but focusing instead on him - what he does, how he looks, what he thinks of you, what he does or doesn't do. This is all judgment and control. Because, perhaps, in one life you gave up your family for your beliefs, you may be terrified that the same thing will happen in this life if you follow your calling - afraid that you will lose him.
What would happen if you fully accepted your path and also believed at the same time that you can follow your path and still have your family/partner?
Right now, your belief that you can't have both is what is tearing you apart - So, yes, that belief is creating the reality you are experiencing.
I have a wonderful husband who supports me and my path - and we work together in harmony with that very well, adding our light to the world. You, too, can do the same if you choose to. However, it is not up to you to change your husband or to want him to be different. His soul has chosen what he needs to experience in this life. We don't see the whole picture. Just because he was a warrior in one life doesn't mean he needs to be one again in this life. His soul has come in to experience something else, something different, in order to grow. It sounds as if he already has developed that part of him that can see between the worlds - and HE is the one asking you to do rituals with him.....So, he's already there - YOU are the one holding back, but it seems, blaming it on him, blaming your not moving along your path, on him, due to your own fears. That's a cop out. What would happen if you no longer had those fears? If you accepted yourself, and went about life enjoying what you do, and being peaceful and calm and alive and feeling good, don't you think that your husband would also feel good with that state of things?
If you are angry, it is because YOU, YOURSELF, are frustrated, but you are blaming him for your own feelings of anger.
He doesn't need to follow your path - he needs to follow his own, and your trying to force him to do what you want him to is a violation. It is not honoring or accepting his soul's choices. That is NOT a part of the spiritual path. Acceptance and honoring another, and allowing every soul the right to experience life as they choose, to learn and grow in their own way, while feeling secure in YOUR own way, and following and honoring YOUR path, is how it has to be. If you are not accepting yourself, and walking your talk, how can you accept him? If you are not honoring your path, how can you honor his? Instead of allowing, and creating from, and understanding that life has to be lived in freedom, loving and honoring another and seeing the value of their choices, you are trying to control the life of another. That is dishonoring, and yes, it will drive someone away. It is not the energy of Light and Love.
My husband has so often told me that he loves it best when I am in my power, and happy. Ever heard the expression "Happy wife, happy life"? Well, for a man, that's how it is, unless he is an abuser. But your happiness depends not on him and what he does, but on you, and what you choose to do. If your fear of him leaving or of losing him due to that old trauma in a past life is having you try to make him be like you, or do it your way, you are on the wrong track. That fear in you is what needs to be explored and healed.
Love must exit in freedom - right now, that is not what you are doing, and it is causing all sorts of problems. How would you move from fear and control into acceptance and honoring? That is truly the spiritual path, and truly loving another. When you come from that place, everything changes.
That is your challenge, and your lesson.