"Is it possible for someone to love me for who I am?"
Thanks for all your help in the past. I wonder if you could give me some insights to what is going on in my relationship. My wife and I are both 40 and married now 21 years, I have been totally faithful to her and she to me and we do not have any infidelity problems. Sometimes I think I missed out on a lot by getting married so young and at times I feel I regret it. Sexually I would be more adventurous than my wife, but with her sex has to be romantic, but with me I like it to be more physical which she thinks is perverted, she knows I masturbate a lot and she does not like any porn, but sometimes I enjoy masturbation better than making love to her. She never makes the first moves, its all down to me, and we have talked this over and over, but she still thinks some aspects of sex are dirty (like oral) etc.
I feel I have a lot to give but everything after 21 years has got a bit stale, we take each other for granted a lot, we never seem to agree on anything. I do not feel I am being a full person, I feel I have to live and be the way others want me to be. I even have to have a certain look in my eyes when making love; I have to look lovingly as opposed to looking like I'm enjoying it. I do not mind this either way but I think there should not be any conditions attached.
Anyway, I have been thinking about giving up and parting ways now for a long time, but I'm too scared to leave everything we have worked on together and leaving my children. But the sense of freedom I get when I think of leaving is becoming stronger and stronger, I'm now split 50/50 on what I should do.
My wife sometimes calls me names and asks me who do I think I am. You see, I practice Chinese Medicine and I'm always relating disease to people's attitudes, so she calls me a know all and keeps telling me that I can't talk down to her just because I've studied a form of Medicine. Do you think people really need relationships to develop as people? Why are there always so many conditions in a relationship? How would I find someone who would love me unconditionally and for who I am? Do you think such people exist? I hope so. I know my wife will have maybe more complaints than I have. But please can you tell me about my end of things: what am I doing wrong? Maybe if I can fix my end of things I might be able to save this marriage.
I have to admit that maybe I'm a bit obsessive about sex and have a very high sex drive and I find it hard to connect loving feelings to the act of sex. I enjoy sex better when I separate my heart from my loins. How can I better make this connection and still remain turned on? My wife says I'm very selfish, but she is a very motherly type and finds it very hard to receive, she likes to give all the time and does not take for herself, she will sacrifice a lot of herself to give to others and everyone thinks she is so generous and good. And she resents me because sometimes I will put myself before others and she can't understand why I cannot be more like her. I need a lot of help, please reply soon.
Thanks for sharing. There is a lot going on here that you are feeling, and as you mentioned, I'm sure that your wife is feeling also. If we distill this down to the basics, first of all, a person's sexuality represents how much they are able to reach out and truly Love. The more one can tune into another person, and by that I mean real attunement - the kind that comes from being able to Love in such a way that you are able to open, receive, and merge with what is going on beyond yourself - the greater your lovemaking experience will be. It's no different from standing before a glorious sunset, but instead of being totally filled up with the miracle of it, with a sense of beauty so deep that you are awed by it in every cell of your being - instead of that you may yawn and say, "oh, that's a nice sunset," or "oh, I've got to make a car payment tomorrow" - in other words, the ability to trust enough to open to Loving on that level isn't there yet. Being able to get beyond the small self and the issues we carry that stop us from loving is what it's all about - when we do that, THEN we can feel or merge with what a sunset or anything else - a blade of grass - an insect - a person - yourself truly is - THAT is opening to love. YOU feel it. It isn't about anyone else. It's about YOU being there, present with that moment of life, and being able to radiate, give out, bask in, and feel Love.
You are in the process of first beginning to learn to Love yourself. If a person can love themselves, if they carry love WITHIN themselves, that love is what you look through to see the rest of the world with. Pretending to love, doing what others tell you to do, doesn't come from that genuine authentic place of Loving, and will leave you feeling unfulfilled, disempowered, and out of harmony... and you probably won't feel that you love yourself very much for doing it. The opposite of Self love. You can look outward, rather than inward and blame another for that, but it's really an inner issue - the issue of Self Love. This doesn't mean selfishness. It means treating yourself with real Loving kindness, and living from that place of clarity, integrity, and harmony.
Right now, that is probably why masturbating feels better than "loving" your wife - you are wanting to be in touch (literally - even down to the physical) with yourself, your own passion, who you are, without meeting anyone else's demands or expectations or beliefs about how you should be.
You are seeking Self empowerment, which is an important step to Self Love. What I hear from you is not Love but feelings of obligation... I hear that you don't give out of love - but because you feel you HAVE to do what is expected. In other words, you are disconnected from Yourself. And instead of being the creator of your life, you are acting as the victim. That usually doesn't feel good. True passion (aka sexuality) is the same as true creativity - taking responsibility for being the creator of your life and creating your life from the place of realizing that EVERYTHING in it is a reflection of yourself. Your wife is doing this same thing. Instead of really loving, she is asking another to create it for her, seeking what she thinks it is, from outside of herself instead of from within. Neither of you are generating Love from inside yourselves. You both have the same issue. She demands love from someone instead of feeling it within, and you play the victim to that demand and do what you think you'd better.
This is, actually on the deepest level, as all things are, a way of trying to get to Love, but it's all tangled up. You both want Love - everything, every action is actually simply a way of trying to get to love - but you don't really know yet, quite what it is or what it feels like or maybe how to get there. Right now, the way you both are trying to get love, to understand and create love, is by playing the victim/dominator game - the game of control. Sometimes she is the dominator and you play the victim (how you should be sexually - how you "should" use your energy to create -but YOU are the one letting another dictate that to you - YOU are creating that!). Sometimes you are the dominator and she plays victim (how she says you know more with Chinese medicine, etc.) That is where name calling and all of that yucky feeling stuff, resentment, powerlessness, etc., comes into it. You both feel powerless because your Love is not coming from within yourself, being your own generator of energy so to speak. You both think you have to have someone else's generator (energy) to survive. Then you compensate for that feeling by trying to feel in control. "If I control it, maybe I'll really be powerful and therefore loved. And safe." But, that's not how it works. Neither of you finds happiness in this, but it's all you know.
And that's ok. But, THERE'S MORE!! Whatever you focus on, that is what you will get MORE of. If you focus on lack, you will get more lack. If you focus on truly Loving, you will get more of that! That's how the universe works. And that's the key to creating your life. The universe/God/your Higher Self, etc - whatever you want to name it - always wants to give you MORE. There are no judgment on what you are focusing on. It will just give you MORE of whatever it is!
You are in one another's lives perhaps, to be mirrors for this issue of learning what Love really is. And how to self generate it. You have the same mission - the same issue, so to speak, to learn. That is a gift, if you can recognize it that way, that you are both giving to one another. Being a mirror for this issue. How surprised would you be to know that when you learn what Love really is, how to live from Love, instead of living in fear and lack - your relationship, this one or any other - will show up very differently? As long as you have this to learn, and until you do get it - any relationship you have will turn out the same. It can only reflect where you're at with yourself.
So - what to do? I would start by recognizing that this is the issue. Really get it on a gut level. Like an "aha!" Then, set an intention - state that you are willing to learn what Love on the highest level, truly is. Offer that intention, surrender it to God - in other words - turn it over to your Higher Self, or God self. Then let it go and trust that the process is happening, and what you need to grow in this way will come to you. It may come in ways you'd never expect. This intention is what the spiritual path, what all of our journeys are all about. So, although you think this is all about your relationship with your wife, it's really all about your relationship with Yourself. Your own growth. Your spiritual path. She's just reflecting back to you where you're at with it. and visa versa.
Best wishes - Ayal