I am seeking a wife / helpmate. The woman I have been dating for the past 5 yrs is looking for a man to take care of her. She and I don't get along well at all. She says she loves me and wants to marry me. But she likes to go out to clubs alone, she's very secretive about things, she turns away when I try to kiss her. We have sex every 3 or 4 weeks. I often get angry with her and say some real nasty things to her. I have even thought she liked women. I have an anger issue and I say some hurtful things sometimes. I love her and her child and dog but I don't see myself marrying her. But I can't seem to get out of this relationship. We split up and always end up back together. I'm so tired of this cycle. She doesn't seem to be changing.
Hi James - thanks for writing in. Well, when we are are in difficult relationship and we find ourselves unable to get out of it, one of two things may be going on:
If the second one is true, then one has to do some deep exploring within oneself to find out what in yourself keeps you picking or getting stuck with people and situations that are not good for you. Usually this means that in your past, you experienced relationships with people that were abusive, or negative or harmful to you in some way. All of us are like tape recorders. We record deep in ourselves the events and experiences we have gone through, and any trauma or upset that we experienced gets stuck in there and filed away. Because it's gone in so deep, like a splinter that we haven't gotten out, it festers, and it makes a pattern for us that plays itself out over and over again. These patterns are sort of like magnets. They put out a certain kind of energy that attracts back to them another pattern, or person with a similar pattern, that matches it. So, for instance, if you had an angry father who was abusive to you in some way, that pattern of fearing people, or being angry at people, or maybe thinking that life sucks or is un fair, would be stuck inside of you. It goes out like a radio broadcast into the world, and whatever matches that broadcast, (it's like a boomerang thrown out), is what comes back to you. So, one might find oneself always dealing with angry people, or be in situations where you feel or think that you're being treated unfairly, or, if you felt helpless as a little boy to get away from an angry parent, that same feeling of being helpless, even though you are grown up, is still in there keeping that feeling of being helpless alive and active, deep down.
So, when you write that your partner is not changing, that is a way to stay stuck, also, because it's never about another person, place or thing. It's not about someone else changing so you feel better, or safer, or happier. That's still coming from that helpless place, where you feel powerless and want someone else to make it better. So, for all of us, when we find ourselves in a situation such as you spoke of, where you feel stuck, and it's not a good stuck, we have to find in ourselves where and what those patterns are that attract to us those things that we keep experiencing over and over again. They may come in a slightly different form, but the basic situation is the same. This is the real work of Life and our journey - to get clear and let go of the wounds and hurts and baggage we are carrying around. As long as we think it's about someone else changing, we don't do this work, and then we don't change and get out of the tough stuff.
Hope this helps.