On January 12th my relationship of 7 years ended with a person I truly loved. We share a beautiful 2.5 year old boy named Luke. Our relationships have gone through ups and downs in our journey of life together, we all enjoyed each other including her 3 beautiful young children from a prior marriage. However, I haven't seen this type of behavior from her ever and I'm concerned with our relationship moving forward.
First off, after being upset not spending time together the previous night, I gave her the silent treatment. The following day, on coming home from work she threatened me to leave, to get my belongings, and that she was unable to live like this anymore. Then emails followed indicating amounts for child support and scheduled visitations that fit her schedule giving her alternate weekends and Wednesdays off, since the other kids are with their respective fathers. Furthermore, she is not admitting that she is withholding some of my money, accusing me of being angry all the time and controlling her words, thoughts and emotions, and not allowing me to see the other kids I truly miss, etc. Just quick and bizarre behavior!
I recently found out she is now with a work colleague who is 10 years younger, with her van parked on his driveway all weekend long. This broke my heart. However, for some strange reason I still love her and forgive her, wishing she would come back to me.
Ayal, would you recommend any solution, or do you have any insight? I'll I can do is pray and light a candle for her return.
What is coming through for you is that you have suffered what is called "soul loss." That is when we lose a part of ourselves due to some form of shock or trauma. Just as we can lose a finger or an eye or a limb physically, so, too, on the energetic level, we can lose a part of our spirit, or life force energy. This has been a huge shock and sorrow for you, and consequently you have gone through some soul loss. It is important, however, to regain it, as we need all of our life force energy, all of ourselves, to live and function well. I invite you to go online and look up "soul loss," and also find a practitioner near you who practices what is called "soul retrieval." Find someone who resonates and feels good to you, and go ahead and have a session with them.
Secondly, what I am being asked to offer you is this: Often in healing, we speak of "letting go" of things - letting go of thoughts, let go of doubts, worries, fears, or other negative emotions that drain one. We are asked to find our way to be able to let go of pain. Sometimes that is not exactly the right phrase, because letting go suggests that you need to do something. A better phrase to work with is "Let it Be." Let it be. Everything comes and goes by itself - just like the waves at the ocean. We do not have to do anything to make it come, or to make it go, or to let it go. We just have to "let it be." In truth, just as we cannot control the waves coming and going, we cannot control others or what comes and goes in life. If something is meant to be in your life, it will be. Forcing anything never works. All we can do is be as clear a being as we can be, and open to what comes from a loving, clear place.
In order to let it all be, we have to learn an important lesson. Having pleasant feelings or unpleasant ones is not the true essence of what we are doing here in this life. Trying to hold onto pleasant or gratifying feelings is not what it's all about. The real purpose and lesson of life is to find Freedom. To be Free. When we have Freedom from feeling needy or grasping or dependent upon something outside of ourselves, we feel great. We feel Whole. At peace. Clear. When we feel needy and grasping, and we try to hold onto anything, we suffer. We feel empty, lost, lonely, and in fear or grief or pain. We are attached to something then, like having, being lost in an addiction, and when we don't get it, we suffer. True? So, the important thing in life is not whether we experience pleasant or unpleasant feelings, but rather how we choose to relate to those feelings. How we choose to relate or respond to what shows up for us moment by moment in our lives. This is our job here - what we come in to learn and practice. If we respond from upset or anger or fear or need, we suffer. If however, we learn to become a more clear and free being, we learn to come from - as you so beautifully put it - just love. Love does not grasp - it just is, like a ray of sunlight. It doesn't need anything - it just is the energy of warmth and nurturing that allows all of life to grow and flourish. This is what we are here to become. A being of Light and Love.
When we are this kind of being, as the saying goes, "We gather no moss." Things don't cling to us and muddy us up, and we don't need to cling to anything to feel content and healthy. We already have all the love we need inside of us. This doesn't mean then, that we don't have interactions with others, or share our lives and thoughts with others. What it does mean is that we do it from this place of already being Free. Of already having within us all the Love we need. In this way, when we are free ourselves, we do not create or come from actions that try to hold onto or limit the freedom of others. We do not need to exert any kind of control or "power over" them, or try to keep them, like a bird in a cage, because we ourselves are free - TRUE POWER is living in this kind of love and freedom. It is called "Letting love exist in freedom." To keep a bird in a cage to me is the height of selfishness and horror, actually, because in order to gratify ourselves and "have" this thing, to see it, we take away from it what it is meant to be = a being of flight and freedom who roams the sky. When a bird can't be what it is meant to be, it withers - there is no song, no beauty of flight, no true life for it - and for what? So we can 'have' it to look at and 'own' it? It goes against all that life is meant to be about.
To get to this place of one's own inner Freedom, it is important that we heal and explore whatever old wounds or emotions or beliefs that keep us trapped in being needy, in thinking negative thoughts, in feeling not good enough, or reacting in anger or shame, in wanting to perhaps grab onto or control others. There are many forms of healing techniques to do this. One way is to simply notice, simply observe - we watch ourselves and how we respond to a given situation - we ask ourselves questions, such as "Am I in fear at this moment? If so, what do I think is going to happen to me?" "How would I rather be responding here?" or "Am I angry in this moment? If so, what am I angry about? What do I 'think' is going on here? Do I feel threatened? Where does this fear or anger or sadness come from? What am I believing that makes me feel angry? What do I think or believe will happen to me that causes me to feel this way?"
And so, we begin to gain more understanding, more control OF OURSELVES - which is the ONLY place we ought to have any control - and we become clearer beings. We free ourselves up from false beliefs - thinking we are under attack or threatened in some way. Thinking we are not worth loving.
The journey of life isn't about always feeling good. There is a saying that goes something like this: In the Light I am able to see the beauty of the flowers, but in the darkness I am able to see the beauty of the stars." It is often in the darker moments that we gain a greater understanding of things - it is often when we grow the most. And so it too, is an important and crucial part of life. So, although there are times in life when we feel wonderful, there are also times when we feel terrible. What we want to open to, and allow equally, in freedom, is the ENTIRE range of what the mind and body and this life are about. All of it passes, anyway - just like water through a sieve. In truth, we can't hold onto anything, and that is the huge lesson we come here to learn. All we can do is be present in the moment, with kindness, clarity and love. To respond in such a way that the moment is one of clarity and love, without other agendas coming in to harm ourselves or others or muddy the waters. I often think of it like water off a duck's back. It all just slides off, and in this way the duck is able to live in the water and enjoy floating along, enjoying life to the fullest, but it doesn't suffer or get bedraggled and soggy or weighed down. If it did, it could not swim, true?
It takes courage and determination to be willing to see and experience all parts of ourselves. However, this is our job - to explore all parts of ourselves, and to heal those parts that cause us to suffer or that cause others to suffer. There are some dark corners in the heart that we may have not been willing to look at before, or to explore. They will surely come up, as they are coming up for you in this situation. Such experiences and exploration can feel like a very uncomfortable stretch. Such experiences of the unsatisfactory aspects of our life are absolutely necessary and crucial. If we don't explore them, and stay numb to them or in denial of it, we continue to cause pain to ourselves and to possibly harm others. This inner exploration is part of what this life journey is all about. Freedom cannot happen without it. We open to these wounds and issues in ourselves, we allow them, we explore ourselves and what comes up for us - how we react to them - and we stretch to become better, healthier, clearer human beings - and this is how we find our own freedom.
Your girlfriend told you that she felt controlled, to the point where she exploded and had to leave in order to feel safe and be able to live. Your job is to explore this and see if it is true. If it is, then you have some inner healing work to do to become a better and clearer person. Take this as an opportunity to grow and change. It may be that the Universe is knocking on your door with a big mirror and a big message for you. My invitation to you is to find out what is being asked of you in terms of your own growth and find your way to more freedom, which can only bring you Peace. From that place, your life will feel so much better, and you will begin to relate to others from a much clearer, healthier, truly loving place.
Thank you Ayal. It's just so hard at this time, to let go of the person I loved. There are so many little people involved that I care and miss them so dearly. We did a lot, I'm just shocked that everything we did meant nothing. She has no feelings or emotions left for me, she just cut through my heart for someone else. I will work on those suggestions and try to move forward. Thank you again.
Yes, I hear you, and I am VERY glad that you care so much about the children, and are deeply concerned about their being hurt and their welfare. It IS a huge shock, and very, very painful for you. It is and will be very important that you let yourself feel what you need to feel - don't act on it, but feel it - sit with it, allow yourself to feel it so it won't fester within you. There will be a lot of grief, and you have to go through that, and maybe anger too, to finally get to the acceptance of the situation. Therapy/support might even be a good idea during this time.
I hope that you will maintain a deep connection with the children, if you are so moved to do so. So many men, when there is a divorce or a break up happens, let the children go as well. However, you have a child, and you were in the role of dad for the others also... there is a responsibility there. If you love them, and they love you, hang in there and be a part of their lives, whether or not this woman is - if that is for everyone's Highest Good. If it isn't, well then, that too will be a part of letting go. But I don't see how loving a child could ever not be a good thing, as long as it is a clear kind of love, and not a needy or demanding or controlling one. They need to know that THEY ARE LOVED, AND NOT JUST PART OF THE LUGGAGE THAT WENT WITH THE RELATIONSHIP. That's my suggestion. They will need it, and it will also be a love connection for you.
Take good care of yourself - this is part of this lesson too. To know that YOU are worth being taken care of, and worth loving. It is just up to us to love ourselves, and then share the love we have developed internally with others.
You have really been on my mind for a while now, so I wanted to share some thoughts with you that have come in...
I know that you are feeling utterly devastated with the loss of your family - and I know that you are in deep shock - that it seems your life together was just thrown away in one abrupt, tearing motion. I wanted you to know that I have been through this kind of loss, and I know what it feels like. It can be one of the most painful things we ever go through - it does feel, as you said, as if your heart is breaking, and it can make going on very challenging and difficult. As you wrote in your letter, you just don't understand how she could have done this, thrown it all away - and you feel at a loss to understand what happened.
I think that when people feel thrown away, issues can come up, often deeply hidden ones that we may not have even known were there, of feeling unlovable and worthless. There can be a great stored up charge of emotion under these issues, as they are very painful ones. If these issues do,, at some point ,come up for you, know that they go back a LONG way - way before this relationship - into early childhood perhaps - and when you are ready, it will be important for your healing for you to explore them. However, for now, the wound is so raw that you all you can do, and need to do, is just be dealing with the deep pain and grief you are feeling. Hopefully getting whatever support you need to help you with this in a good, clear way. When the time comes to deal with these other issues, to heal even more deeply, you will know it.
You WILL heal from this, though it will be a process for you. As I mentioned to you in the other letter, being with your grief and anger, or whatever shows up for you, sitting with it, feeling it, and allowing it to come up and pass through, however long that takes, is so important. We can only heal when we let the splinter come up and out. And that is what allowing yourself to feel what you feel does. We don't take it out on anyone else - we stay in a deep process with ourselves, and we stay present and conscious with it, like letting a fever run through us and heal the toxins.
In the meantime, as you so caringly noted, the children also are suffering with this - this is a painful shock and terrible wrench for them as well - they have lost the life and stability they knew, and they probably understand it even less then you do. So often when we are so deeply dealing and entrenched in our own pain, and it's all we can do to cope with that, the children and their needs and deep pain get missed. I don't think that you will do that. If the relationship you have with them is a healthy and good one, then it needs to be maintained as a stability for them, something they can count on. Only you know, honestly, if what you have with them is healthy. I hope that it is, and that you will be able to continue to be there for them in a good, strong, loving, and consistent way. They will need it, and I think you, too, will need it. It will be important not to use them as pieces in any struggle between you and your ex - not turning them against either of you. Hopefully you can both do that.
If confrontations with your ex can be avoided, especially in front of them, this is also important. No one needs any more trauma added on to what already is there. She will only be able to handle things she is going through in her own way, whether that way is clear or not. You challenge here is to go through this as clearly as YOU can - to grow into being able to do that - to bit by bit deal with the hurt and pain you feel and to learn more about yourself as you go along this healing process in a deep way. If she can't be civil or feels threatened by you, then it may mean a mediator ought to be called in for the good of the children and what needs to be established there.
If you need any further help with this, I am here, so please feel that you can contact me.