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Clearing the Way

"My boyfriend is insecure and refuses to commit to our relationship and live together, even after we had a baby together."

My boyfriend is having commitment issues. Ever since I was pregnant with our daughter we had planned to move and get married. However, these things never happened. After I had the baby he moved out into the place he had before. He got a new job making more money and now sees our daughter once or twice a week. He says he loves me and the kids but his actions show me different. We are still intimate and go out sometimes but I'm not happy with him not sleeping here and not committing.

I love him very much and want our family to work. I'm sure he loves me but he claims to be terrified I will leave him or some other negative thoughts. I don't know why he is so negative but I want him to have confidence in our family and be my husband and a better father. I pray naked on the floor with tears and I have tried everything but he won't break. He keeps saying he loves and adores us but he seems selfish. He has a great job and gets paid great but he complains to even help me.

He used to be different. I still love him and want him to change his heart, see the light and return on a positive note. Please help me. We were supposed to get married twice and twice it has not happened. He has so many excuses I don't ask for and he tells me he thinks our relationship will fail and he does not know why. He keeps saying he can't be want I want, and he's not good enough and I'll leave him. I won't leave him and he's not perfect but I love him and want to support everything he does and be there for him. Help!

What is showing up for you is this: first of all, it's NEVER about another person, place, or thing. That is one of The Laws of the Universe. This is not about your boyfriend or his issues. It's about YOU and your healing. It's not about trying to change or fix him or beg him on your knees to love you.

Whatever your external world is giving to you, or showing you, can only be a mirror, a reflection for what your own issues and patterns are, inside of you. Like attracts like. Whatever you believe down deep inside acts like a boomerang and brings that same energy right back to you. So, you have attracted someone you can't count on, who can't give you the love or support you need. Who, in truth, isn't and can't be there for you. Yet, you had a child with him... you got involved with someone who couldn't commit or give you these things, so how does that match what's going on inside of you...?

What showed up was that you have a pattern going on, a belief, that says you feel unloved - that you withhold love yourself deep inside due to this fear that you won't get love back. You feel, and have probably felt for a LONG time, since maybe even age 2, that you are not and will not be emotionally supported or taken care of. Does this ring true?

Because of this, there is a lot of fear that you have, not trusting the process of life - believing that life will not support you or take care of you or work out, and this fear and these beliefs draw to you the kind of man you now have in your life. You do not feel safe. As long as you have these patterns going on inside of you, you will attract to yourself a matching pattern or situation. That's just how it works. Once again, now with a child or more then a child, it sounds like, the pattern continues for them as well, of not having the love and support they need, or you need. The more you continue to carry this belief, these old and I know very deep and painful wounds, the more you will create situations where you will need more and more support, and not get any, hoping for love, maybe even jumping into a relationship and hoping for love, but not getting it. The more you yearn to be loved and supported and cared for - all the love and care you never got as a child, the more you will leap into things, as a child would, hoping to be loved. Even what you said about begging him on your knees to love you is a great example of a very hurt, very sad, very wounded little girl trying to get her parents to please please love her.

these kinds of wounds can be very deep, and can go back a long way - they can go back to our grandparents and great grandparents, or great great grand parents - people who also never felt supported or had the strength or healing they needed to get out of this pattern, or loop. When we heal these things, it is a very, very big thing to do, and it heals it not only for us, but for our children as well.

However, having the life and love you want will only work out when and until you heal these beliefs and patterns that you have within. As a healthy adult, we learn that it is safe to love and approve of ourselves- it is safe to take care of ourselves and trust that life is safe and friendly, because we have become safe and whole and healthy INSIDE of ourselves. Then, when we have established those qualities and strengths and attributes within, which is the journey of Life for all of us, the Universe can reflect THAT back to us - we get those qualities and experiences back in the form of situations and people we draw into our lives: again: Like will attract like. How do we get there and do that? Through a lot of Inner Healing work, self discovery, exploring, help, guidance, therapy - you name it. That's the journey for all of us to become well functioning and healthy adults, who can then take care of themselves and their own children, and raise these children to become clear and healthy adults.

There is also another issue showing up for you that speaks about a "refusal to accept the world as it is." This involves denial - just as you are denying things about what is really going on with your boyfriend. He can't be there for you, yet you keep hoping he will - you have an unworkable situation that instead of dealing with in an adult way, with strength and clarity, you keep gong round and round in the same unworkable loop, hoping it will be different.

This refusal to deal with the world as it is carries with it a sense of helplessness and hopelessness, and I think that this is how you feel, true? The more you don't heal these things in yourself, the deeper the hole you will dig for yourself - maybe having more children to support by jumping into a relationship without the adult wisdom and discernment going on that has you seeing whether or not a situation is good for you, healthy, and will work out - taking things slowly - being in a place where you can take care of yourself and your children in a stable, safe way - as long as these issues are still coming out of you loud and clear, you will be trying desperately, like that hurt starving little girl, to find a man in this way who will love you because you now have a child together....and the hole will just get deeper if this goes on until you decide to focus on yourself and heal YOURSELF.

When we come from the wounded little girl inside who was so hurt and felt so unloved that she now, even as an adult, does not deal with the world in a discerning, wise adult way, we are in deep trouble and life is very painful. She wants it to be different - she cries and hopes it will be different - but the way to make it different is to become a Warrior within yourself, and to trust that there are tools and techniques and people who can guide you along your healing path - you must look for these tools and decide that that is what you will do. If you confront and face your own hurts and wounds, and heal them, life will show up very differently for you. In this way you will totally change what you attract to you in your life You will find your own true soul strength and be able to live your life with greater support, love, ease, and fulfillment -- you then will not be begging on your knees for someone else to be please loving you or there for you - you will be there for yourself - loving and taking care of yourself, and therefore eventually, after much good inner work and healing, attracting into your life someone else who is also strong and capable and healthy and able to be in a healthy relationship,

Blessings, Ayal

508. "I do not have the choice or the power to remove myself from the disharmony that is my marriage."

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