"I am wondering how and when I will ever make progress. I don't want to be a misfit forever."
I feel that I have something of value to offer to the world, and I have tried very hard in my life to be "good". However, I seem to have failed, over and over. I have suffered from major depression, poor anger management, been emotionally abused especially in the first 25 years of my life, and I have failed at business and employment. I have raised a child with an intellectual disability. My family of origin does not treat me with respect, my other adult daughter apparently suffers still from feeling overly-responsible for me when I was ill, and often is critical and demeaning to me.
And yet, people often, very often, tell me I am incredibly strong, intelligent, creative, compassionate, and a patient and natural teacher. (This is really true - it is baffling to me to hear it, but I do hear it frequently, from people that I know a little or a lot. But not from my family or kids.) It puzzles me to hear it, because if it were really true, would I not have a more successful life in relationships, business, etc.? And if it is true, and I am really blessed this way, then have I totally misused and negated my talents?
But I really have no close friends. I seem to respond weirdly to common situations, sometimes I am too intense, too stubborn, too desirous of being right. I am always afraid of doing the wrong thing. I usually do do the wrong thing, in many social situations. I am a misfit. Men are absolutely not attracted to me. Perhaps this is because I feel anxiety and even fear of them. (Was married for 30 years, mostly happy, separated now for 6).
Now I have a one-yr old business, a passion of mine, innovative, fulfilling real need. I do recruiting and training classes (I teach) people who wish to be Disability Support Workers (employed assisting individuals with intellectual disabilities). Then I place them to work in agencies which care for people with disabilties. I am having a very hard time, financially. Will I fail yet again??? I don't know how to proceed. I want to fulfill my purpose in life, to belong, to leave my children a model of good parenting and true love for others. I want to make a difference for all people with disabilities. I want to grow spiritually, and shed my bad characteristics.
So here, on the first day of 2011, I am wondering how and when I will ever make progress. I don't want to be a misfit forever.
Sometimes we need a lifetime where we have a lot of challenges because we have chosen to grow in strength and personal power and inner wisdom. We have come in to gain OUR OWN IDENTITY and claim, in a profound way, who we truly are. Often when a lifetime like this comes about, it is because we have spent many, many lifetimes being in the background, being the one who supports and nurtures and encourages others, even to the point where we have lost our own identity and have made others the center of our life, even merging with them.
In this lifetime, then, one has to grow, from the roots up, a sense of one's own identity, and this can be quite a huge challenge, because it is like learning to grow a leg or an arm when you haven't had one - you don't have a clue how to do it, for a while. But the lifetime is set up to help you find your way with this, through various and profound challenges that make you grow in claiming who you are, respecting yourself and your strength. The strength is there, but after so many lifetimes of supporting and merging with others, well, it's like emerging from the closet or coping with an addiction.
It is natural to you to go into the hidden, behind the scenes place, merging with others, or jumping into the habit of giving way to others and being a yes person, backing down from standing up for oneself, because all of those other lifetimes of supporting and merging taught you that in no way do you confront or make waves or speak your own truth or power, because that goes against the merging and support you were there to do for others. And because, then one does not have a sense of one's own strength or power, one is constantly seeking the approval, love, and validation of who they are from others - still not holding one's own center.
But in this lifetime, that is NOT what you are here to do. You can definitely be a wonderful teacher, because you attuned yourself in those other lifetimes to reading others in a profound and deep way so that you would know immediately how to support and help and encourage them, so that gift and ability is there and honed to a fantastic degree. However, you now must use that in a new way that also includes being your own powerful person, standing in your own truth, and creating what you want and desire FOR YOURSELF.
To go more deeply into this and what you came in to learn this lifetime, I invite you to get the book by Jan Spillar called Astrology for the Soul, and read about the North Node in Aries. This will amaze you and resonate deeply.
Often, such people who have developed their intuitive powers and sensitivity to the energy of others have come in to pay closer attention to the physical realm - they have honed their energetic sensing abilities, but because they merged so much with others, as part of claiming their own identity, they must now learn how to take care of themselves on the physical level. This again is like learning to grow a leg when you've never had one before.
So, the journey to figure out how to do this can often involve a lot of challenges. However, the important thing to know is that all of the challenges, where it seems as if you've "failed", isn't that at all. You're just building your understanding of it block by block and figuring it out - like when a baby learns to walk. It doesn't take off running immediately - it stumbles and falls down a lot - but no one says to it that it is failing, right? It's just learning a new skill, the seeds and strength are already in there, but it still needs to practice and fall down and go at it again. That is what it's like when you are learning to now take care of yourself on your own and not merge with others.
So, it is very important that you re-frame your thinking and perspective about this and what's really going on, because then you will see that everything that you have gone through has been absolutely perfect to grow you in the way you wanted to grow this time around. It's all been perfect - each step or "stumble" leading you on and giving you the strength of character and identity your soul chose for you to get.
Then, intead of feeling the deep grief you feel, (located in the pancreas), you will move instead into a profound understanding and acceptance of yourself and your journey, seeing the strength it has taken and that you have to do such a journey. And then instead of grief being held in the pancreas, it does its real job, which is to digest the sweetness of life.
So, I invite you to become very aware and pay close attention to your emotions - they are your guide to when you are on or off track with your perspective on things. If you find that you are needing approval from others, or lacking in giving that approval and love and respect to yourself, you know that you need to remember what's really going on and switch your thinking and response to whatever is going on. Like turning on a light switch....and saying:
You may also need to discover what Wound(s) is still in your body - the sense of not being good enough and belief in being a failure - where does that live in you? And then it will be important to see how do you defend against feeling the wound - in other words, what strategies and ways of behaving and relating did you develop to cope with that wound?
To help you do this, watch the ways you immediately relate to others - the ways you immediately start to think about yourself - any resentments or angers you feel, or insecurities - and realize that all of those responses and feelings are coming from your own beliefs about yourself, and that you are responding from that, in you.
This is all about honoring yourself - finding and placing your true self in your own center - 3rd chakra stuff.
So as you begin to understand that all is happening as it is meant to, to develop your true identity (which others do see, and that is why they can see your strength but you haven't been able to, yet), you can say the following, to help you grow in love and honoring for yourself:
Other important intentions to say a couple of times each day are these:
If you had not had the experiences you have had, would you now be able to offer healing to others with disabilities? Start giving thanks and gratitude for this wonderful and empowering and perfect journey you are on - for all the challenges and experiences along the way (it's all perfect - start trusting that!) that have made you who you are, and the continuing strength and clarity and compassion you are growing.
That's turning on the Light switch.