"For a couple of years now I have felt I am just hanging onto life by my fingertips"
I have a couple of questions Ayal so thank you in advance. First I want to ask you why I have been so bone lazy all my life, I procrastinate over everything, terribly. I get what I think is a great idea in my mind and get very excited about it but the second I go to actually physically put it into practice it s like somebody throws an invisible lead blanket over me, I just can t move or get started. Like an idea for a great online computer program I have, (I m a self employed IT specialist) I am really excited about the program but I have to drag myself kicking and screaming to the computer to work on it, it s just bizarre, and the rest of my life is and has been the same. I should do so much more for my 84 year old mother who lives up the road but I am just so stuck and lazy.
I barely survive financially because I have become such a hermit after living on my own for so long and just don t want to have to deal with the world and consequently am so lazy at trying to drum up work to survive. Most of the time I don't even feel like doing the work that I am obviously good at, combining computers and art and I like doing anything else even less than that. I have been very depressed most of my life and the background feeling most of my life has been THERE IS NO POINT TO MY LIFE.
I have read many many books on metaphysics over the last 20 years, from Edgar Cayce, Seth to Louise Haye, Eckhart Tolle, Deepac Chopra, Stuart Wilde, Wayne Dyer, and many many more, I particularly like some of the channeled energies like Abraham and Ptaah and I m also interested in Quantum Physics and how the two are converging.
I believe I create my own reality in toto but obviously I do not believe it at every level of myself or I would be able to find some peace and joy in my life which has totally alluded me all my life.
I recognize that I have a lot of fear in me, have had all my life, and believe this has now finally manifested in my body as disease. I have developed a condition over the last four years that has been diagnosed as Meniere's disease. It s not really a disease but a set of symptoms that nobody knows the cause of.
It is one horrendous thing to have, where you have attacks of severe vertigo, total loss of balance and worst of all violent nausea that can last for over 15 hours. You have to lie dead still for up to 15 hours because any head movement is excruciating. It can strike at any moment, although the attacks have seemed to be getting less violent over time, but are still totally incapacitating. It has also knocked out the hearing in my right ear and that may be permanent, I m hoping not because one of the few things I enjoyed in life was music.
But it has been and continues to be hell. I am a prisoner of home. I can t travel very far away from home in case I have an attack in which case I don't know how I would survive it, I would find myself immediately on the floor, and very very ill very quickly after that. I stress out just driving up to the shops for food.
I have just lately suspected that it may be caused by an old car accident I had 25 years ago where I suffered a whiplash of the neck. I suspect this neck injury may be cutting of the blood flow to the inner ear or pinching nerves to the inner ear sending it haywire. I hadn't remembered that when I talked to the ENT specialist.
Now I am caught in two minds. I had finally decided it was just a test in this life of facing fears and that I should put all my efforts into not dwelling on it but dwelling on wellness and see if I can create that reality. But now I don t know.
I could have an MRI but even if they find it is pinching nerves or blood vessels there is not much they can do for that anyway and it would take literally a year of seeing specialists and traveling long distances which the thought of terrifies me, literally terrifies me, I don t know how I would get through an attack in a car or in a plane.
For a couple of years now I have felt I am just hanging onto life by my fingertips. At one stage the attacks were so horrendous that I had decided to suicide, I bought the rope and had the tree picked out. If they hadn't improved a bit I would have. Suicide seems so seductively inviting sometimes. When the emotional and now physical pain of life outweighs your fear of death suicide can be very alluring, just to fall back into the arms of my Godself would be heaven.
OK Greg – very glad you wrote in and connected. Connection is the KEY here. For you, in this life, you have come in to learn about being Connected. This is a Spiritual problem for you – a problem on the Spiritual level - that has manifested as this illness. You have felt helpless and hopeless and disconnected – and the hell you are living in has been made by your own perceptions of life. You have come into this life to learn that we are all connected. We start off in our family and tribe, being connected to each and everyone there. We learn from that starting place the Universal lesson that ALL IS ONE. However, in a way, because we are young and helpless then, that can feel imposed on us, so we have to leave that and individuate – leave the family and make our own journey in Life.
And guess what? If we really get to where we are going, to where we feel the most amazing and healthiest and happiest – we make that epic hero's journey, as Joseph Campbell calls it – it's in all the fairy tales and mythologies of every culture - that same lesson has to be learned again at a higher level, when we can choose it for ourselves – not because we have to, because we are in a family or tribe, but because we see the amazing wonder and truth of it, and we CHOOSE to see it – to get it – to embrace that, in delight and awe and joy. That is when we do get free – when we move from the 1st chakra – family – to the 7th chakra – Spirit – and interestingly enough – BOTH of those chakras – the first and final one – the Alpha and Omega –the beginning and the end - have the SAME LESSON to be learned: that ALL IS ONE. Pretty damn magical.
Your own deep anger and animosity has created this difficulty which has then – logically – manifested as an inability to communicate well with, or hear,or relate to others. I am giving it to you straight because I, too, would like to see you release yourself from this pain and suffering, and because you did connect and asked to be helped. So, here it is. You can change this. If you took all of that powerful anger and animosity and changed it into gratitude – I kid you not – you are working with potent forces of emotion and energy – if you channeled that into gratitude and a different perspective – well, then, I think with all of that energy and power turned to the Light side ( use the force, Luke ) instead of the Dark side, you can accomplish something amazing. You are and have been seeing the world and others as your enemy – and that deep ANGER is what you must explore and acknowledge and release to get well. It is making you sick. Your refusal to deal with this challenge - your refusal to deal with what you came in to learn and change for yourself – has turned into anger and that has made you ill.
You are looking at things with a rage for things being the way they are - as you think they are - instead of seeing that this has been your choice to see the world from the glass being bitterly empty. How can you truly connect and feel full if your fear keeps you from doing so or trusting anyone or anything? Your anger and fear - whether conscious or unconscious – to see things from fear instead of love is what has created the disconnect. How can you connect when you feel dizzy and sick and in pain and can't hear others? And depression is only a form of fear – depression is the state of exhausting yourself by trying to hold a huge fear down instead of facing it and transforming it. This Life time for you is the great opportunity it is to switch how you see things around. You finally feel so miserable that you have to deal with it now. You think you don't have a choice in the matter – how to live life better, to get better, for it to be better - - but you do. The choice is: "Do I choose to Love and be Loving in this moment?" and that choice is offered to you with every breath you take in each moment of your life.
As long as you are seeing things from having to be in constant reaction against Life – as seeing Life as something you have to protect yourself against – well, you create your own Hell. Life is all about connection – and if you go out in nature even for a moment, you will see that, in amazing and wondrous ways. As long as you set Life up as a polarity – as a me against them or they're out to hurt me or get me or attack me or put me down – you will be living life as a victim, and victims never heal. They never heal because they think they are powerless and everything you hear and see and think is filtered through this reactive ready to lash out at someone for the perceived attack or criticism or put down you think is coming at you.
The truth is – you would only think and perceive things this way because this is the the way, deep inside, that you think and feel about yourself. YOU are the one thinking you are doing it wrong, aren't good enough – your non acceptance of Life is only your own non acceptance of yourself. It's all a projection – a projection of how you feel toward yourself put out onto Life – you haven't connected in Love with YOUSELF or trusted or valued yourself – you expect to be put down by others because you put yourself down – YOU are the one thinking it is all WRONG" - that you are wrong, that you do it wrong, that they are wrong, that Life is wrong – so when you then transfer that inner thinking out onto Life – you feel all of that as if it were coming back at you, and you feel angry and helpless and hopeless and disconnected. You don't WANT then, to connect, because you think what you will get is contempt and pain and be discarded and rejected. But, by not loving yourself, you have, in fact discarded yourself. And THAT is what Hell is. You feel as if you are chained to all of this horror, but the fact is, it's a chain that you have put there, and the fact is, it's really only an illusion – a false way of thinking – and all you have to do is find that illusion and way of thinking in yourself and lift that chain right off over your head, like a loose rope.
You are being stubborn about not being willing to let go of your anger and demanding that Life be the way YOU think it ought to be, rather then relaxing and looking around and seeing Life for the beauty that it is. Just what IF it were all perfect and designed truly for your well being? What IF you didn't fight it tooth and nail ? What IF you weren't angry at the way things are, but instead reached out and grasped the Love that was trying to get you to see that the way you have been going about things isn't working and is actually hurting you? What IF you looked at Life and saw trust and God's hand in everything, working for your Highest good? What IF you stepped out of that anger and into real Love, the kind that turns you into a soft radiant light that just shines because that is what you really are and it just pours out of you? How would THAT feel? Can you FEEL it? If you can, then that is the way to your healing. You have been shaking a fist at the Universe for a long time – it hasn't worked. Ready to try something else? Ready to feel Life and Yourself as Sacred? To live in joy and health and thank God for all of that wonder?
How do we sense the sacred? By reconnecting with our true nature. It is in being present with our immediate experience. Be here now. Don't try to get away from the moment or hate the moment or think the moment or anyone in it is WRONG" - including yourself. One of the best ways to remember our true nature is to get out in Nature. That is when we feel the best. Harvard even did a study regarding this. Our bodies are healthiest and happiest when they are out in Nature. Nature is a reflection of God inherent in all things. Nature is always changing, but the stories we tell ourselves stay the same. When we react only to the old, hurt or angry images, stories, and projections that play in our minds, we fill the moment with reactions to those stories, patterns, and the sensations attached to them. Then we store those reactions in our body tissues, and the pattern continues – and finally those patterns turn physical and we can get ill. We relate to past experiences not to the potentials and realities of the present moment. Often we are afraid to BE in the present moment because of these past memories and interpretations, afraid it will happen again. so we detach from the present moment and go into the past or future, or we become numb to feeling. Life only exists in the present. All the rest are images, labels, and stories.
Let's do a little experiment: I ask you to pinch yourself - and to recognize that the feeling you are sensing or experiencing in this moment is real and true. Now stop pinching yourself and think about what you just did. As you are thinking about it, you are in THE STORY of it, not the reality of it. Note that the experience of it was more real then the memory you have made of it. The original experience has become history and yes, our history shapes us to become who we are now. However, in the immediate moment, our history is a story, and if we hold onto that story, we are not experiencing the next real moment. What we fully are is what we think, feel and do in the immediate moment. And if you choose Love in the immediate moment – well then – wow. That is Us then, connecting in the immediacy of our lives - it is us reaching our fullest, most alive potential.
There is a Divine, natural intelligence found in Nature that allows intelligent living in harmony. Each moment is guided by this natural intelligence It is the genius that guides Earth. The process by which nature governs itself, when we are in the moment with that, we are on a wise and sacred path. You simply get connected by allowing yourself to be attracted – You allow Intimate contact with nature's wisdom and beauty. How do you do this? By allowing yourself to be naturally attracted, like a butterfly to a flower that sustains it. You allow attractive moments in contact with Nature to replace the stories you have told yourself. You go out and let yourself be attracted to something beautiful or compelling, something that calls out to you, in nature. And you just be with it – connect with it....We are here to learn how to hear wise and and attractive sensory messages from nature within and around us, and we can consider them and respond to their creative guidance. if you listen well, you will hear the message "Love".
When we are naturally attracted what we experience in that moment is Love - all the stories about being in love with another - how high you feel - you feel love for everything. Well, it isn't just love for another person - we fall in love because of this natural attraction - using our natural senses - sight, what we hear, or someone's smell, or touch - all of it is nature, sensory based.....our God given senses are a gift to connect – to connect with All that is – in beauty and warmth and understanding. Everything has these abilities to sense - to live, in other words. So, when you allow yourself to be naturally attracted in every moment, you exist in the highest state of Love. And that is sensing the sacred, in all things.
The idea that nature contains intelligent love may be frightening to some people, as it can go against some taught religious beliefs. Many beliefs teach that God is a force outside of us, or only in us, but not in other things. To me, this is still ego based thinking. God is in everything as it has created everything – we are, everything – an aspect of god – a divine spark made manifest to experience Life – to connect - and it's natural intelligence can be seen operating in everything. A life well lived is a life wherein one Behaves as if the God in all life mattered. Not only behaves – KNOWS. How would this change how you think, feel, live? Just imagine it for a moment - relating to God/Love/ Great Creator – whatever you want to call it – Joy - - God speaking to God, in every interaction. That's called ecstasy. To truly enjoy nature's intelligence, you must want to experience your senses, and in this society, we are taught that our senses are bad - some even say the work of 'the devil' - don't feel, don't cry, don't be sad, don't be angry, etc. but we can only be alive, and we can only heal, if we allow ourselves to feel, in the moment – be present and alive and connected – in joy – in THE MOMENT. But to do this you must be willing to connect, instead of disconnect.
I invite you to get the book by Michael Cohen, Reconnecting With Nature. Play with it – see where it takes you.
Thank you for your quick response. Yes, I've realized for a few years now that I need to RE-CONNECT to the world, that I have retired too much into my hermeticism trying to escape life, and that the medical condition is a big kick up the backside to make me face it because even when I realized it was about re-connecting I just couldn't shake my procrastination . . . . . but this medical condition is just making it too difficult now or even worth the effort.
What I can't work out is, if I wanted a life where I could learn to re-connect and become unafraid of people, why chose an incarnation that couldn't be more opposed to getting to that understanding????
I incarnated to a mother who refused to hug her children because she didn't believe in it because her mother didn't do it. A mother who was also going through her own personal hell at the time, deep in depression and near suicidal because her parents had disowned and cut her off from her own family for marrying a catholic, when they were protestants (as stupid as that sounds but it was over 55 years ago).
For those reasons my own mother couldn't connect to me emotionally, she had no time for me she was lost in her own emotional pain trying to work it out, I felt emotionally abandoned (although I wouldn't have recognized it as that at the time just a deep sense of aloneness and growing fear).
On top of that I was born on a farm in the middle of no where, with only an older brother and a younger sister as company and a father who worked from dawn to dusk up the paddock somewhere.
I am not blaming my parents, I understand they did the best they could given their understanding of life and upbringing, it's nobodies fault just an unbroken chain of inherited fear. I do understand that.
I just can't understand why I would choose to incarnate into that sort of emotional abandonment if I was to learn to re-connect, why wouldn't I incarnate into a big loving family that hugged each other and that lived near a large community. Or is it a vibration thing where if you bring that sort of fear in to be resolved it has no choice but to attract a family incarnation situation of the same fearful frequency and you just have to hope like hell that you figure it out in your life in time before it kills you.
I was having out of body experiences at a very early age 4-5, where I would find myself floating about half an inch from the ceiling. I would be paralyzed, unable to move and was terrified, I didn't know about OBE's and thought that there was some sort of a monster lifting the bed up.
I actually tried to op out of life twice at an unconscious level by contracting a rare paralysis disease that is often fatal, once at 5, just before going to primary school and again when just starting high school, dealing with crowds of new people both times was scary for me, somebody who had no connection into life and people because my mother couldn't connect to me, I just felt I didn't fit in and didn't understand people, although nobody would have known that by looking at me, I wore a very practiced and at ease with the world mask (just like a lot of people, I know), was good at all sports and always had many male friends but inside I was deep in pain and lost. My female side was totally undeveloped, I desperately wanted to but couldn't communicate with girls, I didn't know how.
Looking back I realize at an early teenage age I just gave up on life and had decided then and there that life was just too difficult, I just didn't want to play the game any more. The rest of my life has just been about just doing enough to survive.
I love nature and animals, I live in a little house right on the beach which I walk along every day and a bush land track as I walk back. I have wild kangaroos that graze around the house and hand feed wild birds that fly in every day. I love and are connected to nature it's just the people part of nature I'm not connected to.
Hi – well, the reason is, you came into this life still carrying the energy of and vibrational resonance of this issue – you still were disconnected, and so, since the Universe is based on The Law of Attraction - like attracts like – you attracted to yourself a similar vibration as your own. These situations, your mother, etc., were mirrors for you of your own disconnect – and so, in a very real sense, they were your teachers. When you look in a mirror, and you don't like what you see, or it feels uncomfortable, you are given the information and image you need to see to change it, if you choose to. That is claiming your own energy and saying, "This is what I am doing, and I choose to do it differently now, because I choose the Positive – I love myself enough to give myself good energy – and in order to receive love and connection, I must radiate those energies out myself – from within myself, to attract them. I must BE what it is that I desire to have."
Do you get this? You haven't yet understood that all that you respond to.... whether positive or negative, all that you react to or attract are IMAGES of YOU....
When you do GET that, then there is no blame – you then, have the power to take that information you saw in the mirror, and make any needed or chosen changes, true? This is all about you seeing what you need to see and using your own free will and power of choice and internal strength – the true strength of your Spirit - to build it for yourself. If it were all given to you, you would not have learned what you needed to learn. You had to choose this and grow your own muscles for it, for yourself. That's why it wasn't just handed to you.
You value something when you have created it for yourself. Then it is really yours, and not someone else's energy that you feed off of or expect to take care of you. You ARE it – you radiate it – and then you have it to share. That is when it returns to you.
Watch the DVD The Secret – will be very enlightening for you. Watch it many times, actually. It's a great bit of Light on the Planet. All about this.
One more thing I wanted to tell you – you have gone through a LOT in your life, and you have overcome it. I wonder if the paralysis that you experienced, was you being “paralyzed” by fear.... And yet – you overcame it. Maybe THAT was the message to you – the fact that you could overcome fear - that you always WERE supported – that you do and did have the power to overcome things.... that Fear was something you came in to triumph over. The fact that you did overcome things, even without maternal support, says that you were being looked after – so, what I take from all of this is that this Lifetime you came in with a lot of gifts – the ability to leave your body, etc., even at such a young age....but, it all scared you and you felt alone, and you didn’t know what to do with it. The fact that you had no one around to help you again speaks to me of the trust issue you have and the disconnect. What would be the Brilliance and Purpose of creating a family that was not there for you, to help guide you and support you?
Well, I think the answer is, once again, to make you find your own strength, and your own compassion. To learn to rejoice and take delight in Life. To see it depends only on how you CHOOSE to look at things and believe and feel. It’s never about another person, place, or thing. If you can look at your parents with compassion now, rather then any anger or regret or pain – if you can Love them for being where they were and doing the best they could, at the time.... well then, you have gained a massive amount of strength. And I am not talking about lip service. I mean really, truly Loving. THAT is how you become strong and well. So – you chose – your soul chose this, to give you that. If you can accept that and understand it from that perspective - well, what a gift you gave yourself.
So, again, the info I am getting is that you had to learn – to choose – to rejoice in Life rather then fear it. To know that you DESERVE to rejoice in Life, whether or not anyone else around you can or did give that to you or role model it for you. YOU had to choose it. YOU had to choose to accept all the pleasure that Life has to offer. If you stay mired in the fear and resentment and bitterness, thinking you weren’t supported, loved, helped, etc., you are missing out on the fact that you actually always were loved... you are being asked to understand this on the Highest Level so that you can live from that Highest level – always loved, always safe, always compassionate and strong in your OWN, God given essence.
This sense of futility that you carry around is what has to be left behind. It is an old story – and it stems from your own belief that you are inadequate ( or mom would have loved me, etc. ). We can, once again, only create that, if, within us, we have self rejected. THAT is the place you have to go to to heal. Where and when did you self reject? As long as you think, even a little, that this came from your mother or anyone or anything else, you won’t heal it. That’s the victim energy. As long as you stay, in any way, in victim energy – and it can be really, really subtle – you have to ferret it out in any way shape or form it is operating in you - it can’t heal. You really, truly heal, and make quantum strides and leaps, when you find it, claim your own power, take that look in the mirror, and transform it. When you claim love – and you look in that mirror and see LOVE. This is deep stuff.... but I think that you came in to get this on the deepest level.
When you claim it from your I AM spiritual place of true soul power and understanding, life becomes so easy, and such a joy. I know this from personal experience. I, too, had that sense of futility – but I went for it and looked into every stagnant, dusty, yuck nook and cranny within me, and I owned it as an opportunity to get free. It feels GREAT!