"I'm having an internal struggle between different parts of myself"
Ayal, I'm hoping you can help me find balance and integration, and peace within myself. I'm struggling right now with two parts of myself, two inner children if you will, and it seems I can't get my Higher Self or Loving Adult to be in charge of either of them. On one side, I'm procrastinating big time. I've got my heels dug in. I'm barely getting done what needs to be done in my life. And when I do things, I'm very pokey about it. I feel lazy. And I'm not enjoying it. It would be wonderful if I were at least enjoying it! On the other side, I'm very anxious right now. There're always so many things to do. And I know that not everything can get done. But I always have this constant anxiety, this weight on my shoulders. This potential that I am not fulfilling because of the other aspect I mentioned.
I realize that both sides have something valid to offer. I do need to relax more and stop giving myself things to do. So that is probably why I put on the brakes. But I also need to take care of myself and I'm not doing that either. I have this inner stubborn rebel that doesn't want to do anything. Even if it's a message from my Higher Self or Guides. I have an extremely active mind that never rests. And I have this inner perfectionist. I also have a very hard time making decisions because of these two aspects of my personality. I've tried sitting with both sides. I've tried loving both sides and feeling compassion for myself and using the Loving Adult to take action with things that need to be done, but it never lasts for long. These sides, particularly the rebel, are very strong and seem to be the ones running the show. I can't find balance or peace in myself. Where am I in all of this? I feel like part of me is missing, lost. Like they aren't the real me, although I know they are parts of myself. This has been a pattern all my life, and is especially pronounced now because of a very busy schedule. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
Well, I actually think that both of these "sides of you" stem from the same place - and that is, from a sense of overwhelm. Check into whether or not, as a child, you found yourself in the position of taking care of situations in the family, or with others, that were too big for you - that were too overwhelming - situations that YOU thought YOU had to fix.
When we think we have to fix something that isn't ours to fix, and that is too huge to fix anyway - something that is actually someone else's issue or problem - or some distortion in the family dynamics - we get overwhelmed and anxious. We develop an aversion (laziness) to doing anything because we felt we failed, that we were inadequate or incapable - but the truth is, taking on fixing something like that as a child is not only inappropriate and not our job - it also sets us up for failure - because no one can heal something but the person who has that issue. And - they have that issue - that dynamic is there in the family or individual, because it is something they need to have, to work through, in order to learn and grow this time around. So, it doesn't need to be fixed, anyway. They will work on it in their own time and in their own way.
But, as children, we usually feel - out of love, fear or worry - that we need to fix it.
The anxiousness stems from this also - "Oh, there's so much to do...." overwhelm again.
Your only job is to show up and be in the present moment IN YOUR OWN LIFE, and do what is presented to you at that moment - to do what YOU love to do - just to be present in that moment for whatever is showing up. To stay IN YOUR CENTER, CONNECTED TO YOUR SOURCE as you are present in that moment. So, your only job is to stay connected to feeling Love, operating from that deep sense of trust and well being, in each moment. There's nothing else to do.
So, I invite you to explore this in meditation - release the issue of fixing it and overwhelm - connect to Source, as a flower opens to the Sun - and just grow in that Sunlight, as a flower does.