"How can I generate, from within, a sense of safety?"
I hate to write my whole life history, but I feel that if I tell you a bit it may help explain myself. At two years of age I was sexually abused by my babysitter. Shortly after that incident the authorities threatened to remove the children from the house because my father had anger issues and spanked me and was abusive to my mom. They stuck together and we 'escaped' to another country. I grew up with a constant battle going on. My father being very controlling with my mom and my mother always threatening to run away. We were always fearful we'd wake up one day with her gone. In my teens I went through a growing stage and was a bit chubby. At some point I lost my self-esteem and became very depressed. I was put on medication. when I was 17 my parents wanted to move south. At first I wanted to move, then chose to stay for my older sister. In that same year I got engaged twice, then on my birthday I met my now husband. We ended up moving south the following year and it was an emotional struggle that I think helped strengthen our relationship. He did not have citizenship and I had to work. He went away for the summer and I became very insecure. I read your site and went through a healing process.
Just last year I had our first child. Our life lost its stability during our son's first year as we moved back 'home' for my husbands dream job and moved at least 4 times. We had always discussed me being a stay at home mother and so I watch our young son. My husbands 'dream job' does not pay much and he works 3 jobs. I help with the 3rd. He works a lot of hours and I find myself very insecure. It started as a small insecurity but has grown. I am disgusted with myself as I have watched him secretly from the window when he goes home or leaves. It is as though I almost in some sick way hope to find something that points to cheating so I can accuse him. He is a very good man and he loves his family and works hard to support us. I do not want to be so insecure, but I do not know how to change. I have now had a few dreams of cheating and it only intensifies my fears. Thanks for your help.
Insecurity, of course, means that one doesn't feel safe. So, the question to explore is, what can I do to feel safe? Or, better yet, HOW can I get to feeling safe? How do I generate, from within, that sense of safety?
We all have experiences in life that have deeply frightened, bruised, or harmed us. However, these can be, and need to be used as building blocks to gain strength. They are the weights we learn to deal with and lift in order to develop our muscles, so to speak. So, every experience can be transformed into a teacher, teaching us something that gives us wisdom and compassion, clarity and inner power. In order to do this, however, we need to be able to get in touch with and release the fear, anger, or sadness that we have stored within us.
Interestingly enough, for you, I get that 50% of your insecurity is actually tied up in deep anger that you feel that you haven't faced or resolved yet. You need to appropriately get in touch with this anger and release it. 30 % is sadness, and only 20% for you is actual fear. You feel livid about some things, and this needs to be faced and released.
If you don't build these muscles, then you feel helpless and frightened, and you end up looking to others for that strength and safety - or, conversely, you may think that others can somehow take that safety from you. Neither one of those ends of the see saw is true. No one can keep you safe but yourself, and your safety comes from what you believe, how you look at life and yourself, and what you choose to feel. It is a major, and epic journey for all of us to get there. So, there isn't any button to push or really any way to sum it all up for you in one letter, because it is an ongoing process that is a lifetime's work. You are a work in progress. There are however, steps we can take to begin exploring ourselves and re-creating ourselves, and finding our way to that safety we know is there and long for.
Safety means being in the NOW and showing up for that moment, that NOW, with trust. That means accepting whatever IS as just what it IS. In other words, we gently allow ourselves to be in that moment, feeling whatever we feel, without judgment. There is no right or wrong to it. It just IS - if everything is, and it's not wrong, whatever it is, then that means it is all safe - it means that you, too, are perfect, and it is perfect for you to experience whatever it is that you are experiencing in each and every moment - when you approach it with this consciousness and awareness. When you admit the perfection of your own life, you embody acceptance - and acceptance is the opposite of insecurity.
This means that you let go of the need to control the dynamics of your environment - the need to control comes from fear.
So, for example, if, in a given moment, you are feeling insecure, just love yourself for feeling that, let yourself feel it - explore it - be with it - and HAVE the experience of it. You might say: "OK. I am experiencing, in this moment, fear. I'm going to really allow myself to feel it." So, you place your hands on your heart, and you just sit there and be present with it. You notice how it feels, how your body feels, and you complete that moment by honoring what you feel, without judging it. Then, when that moment passes, as it will, and changes to something else, you are present for whatever shows up next. It's all a learning experience. You don't push it away, or deny it, or fear it, or react to it - you just lovingly be with what is. You experience it. Then, you can choose to breathe into your being another emotion, or thought, or experience. You can choose to go outside and find something beautiful to look at, to appreciate, to be grateful for - you breathe that energy of gratitude into your heart, and you allow yourself to be with that. You focus, in other words, your attention on what you choose to feel, after you have released what has come up for you to release. Choosing something uplifting for yourself is an act of POWER, and when you perform an ACT OF POWER, you cannot feel insecure. You Open to receive inspiration.
Gratitude can be likened to a true smile. It is virtually impossible to have negative thoughts when you have a smile on your face! It lightens your heart and simply feels good. The practice of gratitude is life empowering. It can change the way you feel about yourself and life's events. With the attitude of gratitude you can change the state of your consciousness. You move out of reactionary emotions and take charge of your personal energy. It is much like this: Picture yourself in the center of a big balloon. When you are experiencing gratitude your balloon is full and expanded you feel alive, healthy, and you are a healing presence. When you are having negative thoughts and feelings your balloon deflates and you feel drained, out of sorts, heavy and without vitality. Your energy has leaked away and you have given your personal power to someone or something-
So - you feel, be present with it, allow it to flow through, then you choose what makes you feel good and absorb that. In each moment. That's the formula. All throughout the day.
Here are the 12 symptoms of Inner Peace - I invite you to practice one of these every day:
An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
A loss of interest in judging other people.
A loss of interest in judging self.
A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
A loss of interest in conflict.
A loss of the ability to worry.
Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
Frequent attacks of smiling.
An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.
Now, allow the light to cleanse you of any fears you may have about giving love. With a deep breath, be willing to release the fear that if you give love, you could be controlled, abused, deceived, betrayed, maimed, or hurt in any way. Allow all of these fears to be lifted completely, and feel your heart expanding to its natural loving state. Allow yourself to release any old unforgiveness you may be harboring toward those who seem to have hurt you in a love relationship. Become willing to release unforgiveness toward your mother ... toward your father ... toward other parental figures ... toward your siblings ... toward your childhood friends ... toward your adolescent friends ... toward your first love ... toward those whom you dated and loved ... toward anyone you lived with or married....
Allow all of your hurts and disappointments associated with love to be cleansed and fully carried away. You don't want the hurt, you don't need it, and with another deep breath, it is lifted to the light where it is transmuted and purified. Only the lessons remain, and the pure essence of love contained within each relationship, since that is the only thing that was ever eternal and real within each of your relationships.
Now, with another deep breath, allow the light to cleanse you completely. Be willing to release any unforgiveness you may hold toward yourself connected to love. Be willing to forgive yourself for betraying yourself, for ignoring your intuition, or for not looking out for your highest interests. Give yourself a hug, either in your mind or with your arms.
Reassure your inner self that you will never again engage in self-betrayal. You now commit to following your intuition and discernment, so you could never be or stay in any relationship that would hurt you. Fully release the unforgiveness for any mistakes that you think you may have made in any relationship, including your relationship with yourself. And with another very deep cleansing breath, feel yourself healed, whole, and ready to enjoy the love that is the truth about who you really are.
As we lose the fear of love, we become more aware of the rich range of feelings that are part of our human experience.
(This technique is excerpted from Divine Guidance, ©1998, by Doreen Virtue, Ph.D)
Also, you need to exercise. Choosing to exercise is an ACT OF POWER that uplifts you and gives you a tangible sense of your own strength. I invite you to get an exercise going for 25 minutes, 2 times a day, every day.
You are also too tied into and entangled in the planetary consciousness. You need to disconnect from planetary consciousness. I invite you to read the article listed at the bottom of the home page of this site about cutting the cords that bind you, and use the technique offered there to disconnect from this mass consciousness on the planet (you can envision the planet and all these fear vibrations, etc. coming off of it in your mind, and cut any cords that connect you into it). I'd do this 2 times within a 2 week period.
Trust your Source.