"I am so afraid of making a fool of myself by blushing when speaking"
I am a happily married woman with 2 young children, I am 37 years old yet I am still controlled by blushing. I drink to hide my shyness, yet I am always aware of my red burning cheeks. I am so aware that people see me blush and then I feel so inadequate. This may seem trivial to you but to me it has held me back for so long. I just want to hide away. I wish I could stand up and talk to a group of people without blushing profusely or trembling with fear.
I have always had an innate fear of men, why?? Even as a child I did not feel comfortable with them, I have taken jobs in the past that meant I would not be working with or near men. I don't know why am I so frightened of them. My husband is so different and very special to me and perhaps is the only male that I have ever felt totally at ease with. If I feel that I have blushed or made a fool of myself by blushing for no reason, I eat chocolate and sweets until I feel sick to comfort myself, I have always been fat even as a child. This vicious circle never ends. Please help me, I have so much to be happy about yet I am not.
OK. Let's get started then... The core of these problems for you stems from your relationship with your father. From what I am getting, what was happening there was that you experienced a great deal of humiliation and shame from him. I think that you felt incredibly intimidated and threatened by him. Due to the form this relationship took, you became deeply stifled, and your sense of yourself was never really developed. This left you with, basically, "an inability to breathe for yourself." to be your own self. Because your experienced a great deal of shame, you still blush, as that is the core energy you carry within you and still operate from. Blushing is how shame usually manifests in the body. We usually blush when we feel someone has stepped over the line with us and related to us in a way where we feel ashamed or violated in some way. Even the fact that you wrote in and said, "This may seem trivial to you," says loud and clear to me that your sense of yourself got badly damaged... you apologized, in essence, for something that is important to you. That is operating from shame. In effect, you see your needs and issues as being something to be ashamed of in front of others. However, you did write in, and you did stand up for yourself, saying it IS important to you, and you do want to grow beyond this. So, you are taking steps to stand up for yourself, which is the start of this healing for you. That's great!
When we feel threatened as a child, so early on, with our primary relationships and caretakers - those who are supposed to love us and nurture us and take care of us - AND give us a healthy, good sense of ourselves - we are, of course, speaking of mom and dad - when they are unable to do this for us, and instead relate to us in a way that threatens us and damages our ability to feel good about ourselves, we continue to carry that program and emotional content and distress within us into our adult life and our adult relationships - the way we relate is to fear and distrust others - unless we find the root cause of it, the trauma, and transform it.
So, we carry around a huge load of anxiety, and this can affect, among other things, our nervous system. We are nervous and afraid all the time.
When, at the core of our being, we feel so Threatened and Distrustful, we retreat, and want to hide, as you said. Then, what can happen is that we cannot develop into our own being, and we become inactive and uncreative. Stifled, again, in other words. You mentioned always being "fat". Having extra weight is a way to hide who you really are. It is a way to protect yourself, to create a buffer zone around you to keep other people out, to puff up and be "bigger", like puffer fish do, when threatened. But it is also a way to try to fill up that void and emptiness in yourself that you feel inside, that longing for safety and creativity and security - that longing, in essence, for yourself, and who you really are. When we eat, in cases like that, we are trying to stuff down the anxiety, dull it, push it away, override it , and fill up the emptiness...trying to quell the anxiety by putting something into our mouths. We are trying to nurture ourselves. It doesn't work though. The way to nurture ourselves is to do what we love and to be who we really are. To feel truly fulfilled by how we live our life and how we think of and respect ourselves. We eat inappropriately as a way to try to anchor, or "ground' ourselves, to feel stronger, more rooted and secure, but that does not work.
What happens when we don't face what the issue really is, is that the way we were treated by another gets "internalized". That is, we absorb it and think that way about ourselves too. We generate that way of thinking about ourselves from the inside - We basically create in our lives a kind of Self punishing behavior ...we live with it operating from inside of us, like a computer program running, unless we dissolve it and take it out. When we have experienced deep humiliation and fear, however, the tendency is to NOT face anything about ourselves, not do inner exploration at all costs, because we are already feeling humiliated. We already are seeing everything through this filter of humiliation. So anything we discover about ourselves, instead of seeing it as our path of growth in this life, or as what we came in to learn, we see something within us and are immediately humiliated and ashamed of it, because that is how we see everything about ourselves. So, it's "safer" not to look and "be more humiliated" or add to the awful pile. That is the unfortunate loop people who have deep shame and fear get caught in. The way to heal it, however, is to see that you came into this life with this as a core lesson for you....to see how your soul chose this as a wonderful opportunity to grow, and that you chose it because you knew you were strong enough to face this challenge and soul growth and triumph over it.
You came into this life to face the life lesson of learning to love and honor yourself, and you chose the parents you had to help you see this lesson so that you could move through it. When you look at your life from this perspective, you begin to Integrate (and understand) your experiences for your Highest Good. You begin to embody vision and life purpose and acceptance, because you admit the perfection of your own life, your own soul journey. So, it's not a question, ultimately, of blaming your father or anyone else for what you experienced. It's taking responsibility and seeing that you chose these experiences in order to learn from them and grow beyond any belief that said, inside yourself, that you can not honor yourself. You are learning, in this life, to do that and to stand up for yourself.
Because you so long for that kindness you never got from the father, what is needed now is for you to be kind to the self. To work through this and heal yourself, what you need to find are your own, inner soul desires, and take responsibility for yourself.
Responsibility is the ability to fulfill your own needs without harming yourself or stopping anyone else from fulfilling their needs. Responsibility is the ability to be WHO YOU ARE IN YOUR FULLNESS, to be the best, most fulfilled you that you can be.
The affirmation for you, that I invite you to say at least 4 times a day, is:
- If you did know your life purpose, what would it be?
- If you were assured of having all the money you would ever need, but in order to have it, you would be required to volunteer in some capacity, what would you do? What causes matter to you? Who would you want to help? What would be the most fun way to help them?
- What do people count on you for? What are your talents? What comes easily to you? Effortlessly? We all have been taught to focus on our weaknesses, in order to improve them, but the real gold is in building what is already a strength!
- If you could make three permanent changes in your world, what would they be?
After a few moments of quiet, look back over what you have written. If any ideas jump out at you, write them down without judging. But they may not jump out at you for fear that they will scare you. You may have to listen carefully to a quiet whisper, a tiny nudge.
When we do not individuate, or become our own person, the 3rd chakra gets damaged. This is the area around the navel/solar plexus. This chakra deals with basically, the lesson and energy of honoring yourself. It also deals with:
- The energy of personal power - the magnetic core of your ego and personality; the process of individuation/forming self/ego self esteem. To create an identity apart from your tribe/family.
- Personal power in relation to the external world.
- How we relate to and understand ourselves - how to honor yourself.
- To mature in our self understanding - how we stand on our own and take care of ourselves - self respect/ self discipline, ambition, strength of character, ability to handle crisis/generosity, courage to take risks/ ethics/ ability to generate action (animal body).
- Healing - intentionality toward health.
- Love manifests as love of external things, of our personal, physical and material needs.
- Facing experiences that reveal to us our strengths and weaknesses as separate from the influence of our elders. Our survival intuition, our sense that protects us when we are in physical danger and alerts us to the negative energy and actions of other people: gut instinct.
To help heal your chakra system, the way you balance the energies of the body through chakra clearing is to sit down each day for perhaps 15 minutes, in a quiet space, with eyes closed, as you would sit quietly in prayer or meditation, breathing slowly and deeply until you are very calm and relaxed. When you are relaxed, beginning at the base of your spine, at the tailbone, you visualize a beautiful, glowing, fire engine red gently spinning wheel of light filling up that area. You ask with each chakra that it be restored 100% to perfect health, form, and functioning - that whatever needs to be restored, be restored, and whatever needs to be corrected be corrected. When you sense that you are complete with that chakra, you move up the body and visualize a beautiful gently spinning wheel of orange light at your reproductive area. Repeat the process. Then, moving up the body, see a bright yellow spinning wheel of light at the navel area.
Remember, as you do this, you are asking silently that each area you are visualizing be cleared and brought back to perfect health and functioning. Then you move up to the heart and visualize a glowing spinning wheel of emerald green light there. Then on up to the throat, where you clear that area by seeing a beautiful spinning wheel of sky blue light. Then up to the brow, the center of the forehead, where you see a glowing, gently spinning wheel of indigo light. Then to the crown of the head, where you see a beautiful, gently spinning wheel of violet light.
Even if you are not adept at being visual or seeing these colors, just by saying to yourself that that color is there will begin the healing for you.
To finish, surround yourself with a beautiful, glowing white light. Visualize it totally filling you up from head to toe as well. There are actually minor chakras, or light intersection points, which function and serve as intersecting energy vortexes in the body, bringing energy into the physical body from the universal energy grid. Besides the major seven centers, these minor chakra points number144, to be exact. Simply ask that they all be lit up with white light - similar to imagining oneself lit up like a bright starry sky or a Christmas tree.
This will help immensely to get you back in balance. Clearing the chakras is a very important way to stay healthy and in balance. Deepak Chopra has a great book out, in audio CD form as well, called Magical Mind, Magical Body about this. Also, Caroline Myss, one of the great clairvoyant, intuitive healers of our time has a wonderful, inspiring and fascinating book out called Anatomy of the Spirit, that goes into a profound explanation of the chakras and what we are dealing with in each one. Either of both of these would be wonderful to read. They are both deeply enjoyable reading.
In order to honor ourselves, we have to see what it is that we are truly feeling in the moment. We must be present "IN THE MOMENT." That is the opposite of shame and hiding. It is living life, fully present, alive, and honoring one's journey and whatever it is that we are experiencing in that moment - trusting it as an opportunity for our growth. There is a sign in a Las Vegas casino that is a perfect saying for life. It says:
To help you speak and face your truth, in the moment, I invite you to read Marshall Rosenberg's wonderful book, Non-Violent Communication. Using these techniques will empower you and help you move through your fear of relating, as well as teach you how to stand up for yourself in a calm, clear way.
Gratitude opens the way to be in the present moment, the NOW, and then you are safe and you can step into each NOW fresh and new. We humans have a tendency to bring the past into each NOW and that keeps us stuck. The past will only recreate itself, slightly different in frequency, but a reflection of the same thing. Each NOW that is honored offers the threshold, the gateway to your divine flow in which grace is your companion. In this state of grace you are offering a pure frequency that transforms everything it touches. This opens your heart, and an open heart has no fear and no need to hide.
A good way to open your heart is this: also in meditation: Activate your heart chakra by becoming aware of it and by blessing the entire earth, every person, every being with loving kindness, great joy, happiness, divine peace, understanding, harmony, good will and will to do good. You may visualize the earth as very small in front of you; raise your hands on the chest level facing outward and feel the love flowing from your heart to your hands and enveloping the small earth in front of you.
As part of facing what you need to face, in being truthful with yourself, I invite you to explore areas in yourself where you have suppressed crying. Also, where you have resentment and bitterness. As part of healing this, there is a need, as you gain this new perspective, to forgive your father. (Look up articles on Radical Forgiveness online.)
I invite you to sit in meditation (if you don't meditate, take a class in it), and say this, allowing yourself to be in an open and receptive state:
I now welcome my new good, which comes to me in God's wise and perfect ways. My good is now Divinely restored and my life is made beautiful again. I agree right now with You as my witness to stop dwelling on apparent losses in my life, and to start looking for the growth and gain that came through them. Whatever my loss, I now know that this was a gain. I now drop the loss and take the gain.
The forgiving love of Great Spirit has set me free from the past, and from the results of the past. I face the future wise, free, and unafraid. No matter what the mistakes or unfortunate experiences I have had in the past, I can still overcome them and make a comeback to a good way of life with Your help, dear God.
I realize that my good wants me as much as I want it. I know that there is a Divine solution to every situation. I give thanks that this appears now. I give thanks for Divine Restoration in every area of my life. Divine Restoration is now doing its perfect work for all involved, and the perfect results appear. I give thanks that every financial obligation is now being met in God's own wise and wonderful way. My good can not be withheld for me.
Somewhere, somehow, someday the good that seems lost in this experience will be restored to me and to my family. My good will come to us, at the right time, in the right way, through the right channels. My good was not lost in that experience. The good will still reappear.
Thank you. Amen.
Also, it would be great for you to do some healing sessions with Reiki. Find a Reiki practitioner near you (you can look Reiki up on the net, or check out available practitioners at your local health food or metaphysical, or alternative healing places), and during your session, have the Reiki practitioner send Reiki to the first experience that created these limiting energy patterns for you.
That's plenty for now.
Regards and blessings, Ayal