"How can I connect more to my feminine without losing the masculine?"
I am almost 44 years old, and I have noticed that when in crisis my reproductive area seems to be sending me messages. I have suffered from ovarian cysts on three occasions (that I was able to detect) - once around 21 years old, that was treated with the pill, at 39 treated with a horrible synthetic hormone (lupron I think). Then I found a tcm qigong teacher who helped me and recently I found I have one small cyst and a uterine fibroid. Ever since the 39 year incident, I made a vow to take care of myself and started a journey of self help and recovery. I practice Insight meditation, yoga and tai ji and have a couple of wonderful and generous teachers guIding me the way.
This time I conquered my fears and went to see a gynecologist that has an alternative practice. She found out that my hormones are out of whack, stress levels still high despite my daily practice. I have been in therapy for the last two years and I recently came across a post in your site talking about the feminine and creativity (I am an artist). My father died when I was 8, my grandfathers were either dead or missing. The female energy in my ancestral line has shifted to a more masculine expression due to the circumstances. I have married a person who's femininity is very present and I seem to express my energy in a more yang sort of way, although through my creative work I allow the feminine to channel fully. I have also realized I have a deep aversion towards the feminists... I never understood what and why they were screaming about, since my family experience was to have the women run the house and all we longed for was a man just taking care of us....
My question is, how can I connect to the feminine without losing the masculine? I see I have these roles totally entangled like the cords of old telephones. When I assume a more feminine role I become "the giver" instead of the receptor and vice versa, assuming a more masculine role makes me feel like I am demanding...
Anyway, I never had any children, although I was pregnant once and had a miscarriage. Deep fears were expressed through numbness since my father's accidental death. Even in times of chaos I always show an aloof expression, everything is ok, everything is under control, I say inside of my head. Showing vulnerability makes me feel like a loser.
I already ordered the book of the chakras you recommend. Thank you and be well.
Hi - Well, this is an interesting question. The first thing that is showing up is a 1st chakra (tribal family, grounding) issue. I suggest that you take a look at the anger you feel toward having to be the one to carry the more masculine role, and not having the man do it. Once you can release the anger, you will have a greater sense of detachment, and within this detachment, you will find whatever wisdom has come out of the "injury", and you will see how it is and was a part of your life lesson this time around, to empower you. This is all about learning forgiveness, for self and for others.
Understanding that you CHOSE to come in to experience this, to gain something from it, is a big part of what's up, and in that sense there is nothing to forgive, per se. It is more that you then accept yourself and your journey with compassion, and this allows you to move into greater self love. Self love enables you to then love others more unconditionally, with greater compassion.
Another part of it is this - both the masculine and feminine are givers AND receivers. It isn't black or white. The feminine is a great giver, in the sense that it nurtures and offers solace, empathy, understanding. It also gives of its visions, and it gives when it births things into the world, whether that is a child or a dream or an idea. Yet, the masculine can also do this - they just usually do it in different ways.
So, I think what you are needing to work with here is asking yourself, in a given situation, what is called for - is the masculine energy needed, or the feminine? And then, what kind of feminine or masculine energy is needed? In other words, you have those resources inside of you, and it's just a question of tuning in and asking what needs to be offered when. You don't lose one by connecting to the other. It's like a seesaw - both are needed and are connected to one another via the center of the self. Both are parts of the totality.
A great way to strengthen your feminine is to spend time connecting to the Earth - the Earth is the great feminine energy who nurtures all Life and whose strength and joy and love are infinite. Spend time out in nature as much as you can, alone, connecting and tuning into this energy. It will be an amazing experience.
One thing to be aware of is that often a distorted masculine energy carries a fear of losing its masculinity - the masculine energy, way back in primitive time, and even up to the present day, carries within it a hierarchical structure. The biggest, brawniest, strongest guy wins, and the little guy gets left in the cold. You see this in the animal kingdom, and it is in the masculine animal body as well. The strongest one gets to mate, lead the pack, etc., and the subconscious, ingrained fear is that the stronger males will try to take the masculinity away from others, beat them down, etc. So, men have this fear of losing their masculinity and being the exiled one from the pack - you can see this in all the size of penis jokes, etc. It's pretty rampant, actually.
So, your masculine side may have this issue to clear. It isn't about having to be top dog to be safe. It's about using the noble masculine energy to further the well being of all - to be a good leader, one must learn to listen to others, to actually incorporate and honor the feminine energies of being receptive in order to know what is needed, what actions to take. Both work together, and incorporate the strengths of one another to be truly whole and strong.
See if your masculine part has fears of not being in control. If it does, and it fears losing its masculinity, that makes it difficult for it to accept and honor the feminine energy and gifts, thinking it will make it "weak" and un-masculine. That is a false conclusion however. This will be an important area to work with. If so, where do those fears come from? What are they about? And what are other ways to create true safety within oneself?
At the end of the Clearing the Way home page, there is a list of articles. I recommend that you read the one on the masculine and feminine, and then follow the technique to get in touch with each of them within you, as well as have them converse with each other. This will give you a lot of insight.
As far as all the physical difficulties with your ovaries, this does have to do with your journey - it is a 2nd chakra issue - regarding maturing in self understanding - how we stand on our own and take care of ourselves with self respect, self discipline, strength of character, and the ability to handle crisis. So, as you even said in your letter, these problems came on during times of crisis, and it was your feminine part that didn't know how to take care of herself. So, how perfect is it then, that in this life, you did need to be the strong one without the man "taking care of you" all the time. This was something you came in to learn - to see that you CAN take care of yourself. As you get this, that you have learned how to do this, I think that this whole issue will relax for you and come into an easier balance.
A number of things also you need to do:
- One is get checked out for parasites.
- The second is to create being in the kinds of environments that are less stressful - and this will happen as you let go of the fears that have you needing to "control". Look for where your thoughts tend to be morbid - this is indicative of your fear and lack of trust - and transform this thinking and the belief systems behind it.
- Another is to repair your aura. Here's how to do that:
Hole in the Aura
If there is a hole in your aura that needs to be repaired, here's how you do that: Stand with your arms upraised at a 60 degree angle each from the body, with fingers closed, thumbs out. Hold for one minute. You can also accompany this with what is called the Breath of Fire. This is a very fast, non stopping breath, through the nose, in and out as fast as you can. It's important not to do this breath too long to start with, as it is very powerful and you can get very woozy or pass out if you do it too much. So, start with it a bit it a time as you do this exercise until you can do it for a full minute. It is a deeply purifying breath and does create a fiery energy in the body. Be sure to drink a lot of water all day and immediately afterwards to flow out the toxins.
- To also help you work with this self maturation, I invite you to play with the following: Identify which of the following twelve Inner Peace items are still challenging for you at this time. Spend 3 days with each challenge, as a practice. Track what or who you allow to trigger inner disturbances or reactivity to sustaining your inner peace.
12 Symptoms of Inner Peace (author: The Peace Pilgrim)
1. Tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fear based on past experiences.
2. An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
3. Loss of interest in judging the self.
4. Loss of interest in judging other people.
5. Loss of interest in conflict.
6. Loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
7. Loss of ability to worry (this is a serious symptom).
8. Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
9. Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
10. Frequent attacks of smiling through the eyes of the heart.
11. Increasing susceptibility to love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.
12. Increasing tendency to let things happen rather than to make them happen.