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"I either reject men who adore me or feel I can't have those whom I do love"

Dear Ayal,

Thank you very much for your help. I am very glad that I found your web side. This is my situation... I have distinct pattern in my relationships. With men who really adore and love me, I feel irritated by them, they feel inferior and crude, and I cannot stay with them even though they offer a lot of love, affection and commitment. Or I get into relationships where I am in love - in this situation I become so anxious and insecure that I feel not good enough for them and do all I can to keep them. I become obsessive and try so hard that I usually drive them away.When I got divorced very early in my life it changed me and I felt like everything in my life had been changed. It was very painful and it has stayed with me, affecting my life even after so many years. Since then I have a problem to love myself. I can't just begin to love myself. It feels impossible. If feels that I lost a part of myself there. How can I change and go beyond these emotional patterns. I am aware of them but cannot change my behavior when I am involved with someone. The Fear of being rejected exists deep inside of me. I want to change and feel confidence and trust.

OK, here we go...

The first thing that is showing up is a sense of feeling hopeless and defenseless; that nobody cares.There is also, as you said, a strong belief in not being good enough (rejecting those who love you because you can't accept their love since you think you don't deserve it. So, you deny yourself.) However, along with this overall issue is also the issue of "sexual guilt". When this shows up, I advise people to check into their sexual history and see if there is anything hidden that needs to be found and explored, and healed. If there is any form of sexual abuse in your history, this will account for pretty much all of what your concerns are that you wrote in about, and it will need to be addressed with some good, supportive, deep therapy.

When there are such issues, the lesson a soul came in to learn, first and foremost, is all about Self love. What I have come to understand, and there are those who will disagree, is that when we create a situation of any sort of abuse, we have allowed the abuse because we don't honor or love ourselves, but we have also allowed it because we think we have to let someone have some sort of power over us in order for them to be willing to take care of us. We sell ourselves out, so to speak, or compromise ourselves in a trade for security. We let go of our integrity or sense of personal power for security – whether that is material in form or just thinking then that someone will love us. You'll have to see if this resonates with you or not. For you, however, I am getting that there is a need to do some healing around your birth. There are some great programs to help with this, especially if you look up Dr. Emerson's birthwork on the net. A lot can happen during our birth that leaves lasting imprints that may be very detrimental to our sense of who we are.

To help balance you off, getting involved with yoga and the Yogic teachings and philosophy would be very beneficial for you.

Also, find a good Reiki master near you, and get some Reiki (energetic healing) sessions. I'd invite you to have at least 4 in a 3 week period.

It will be important for you to clearly set the intention, along with exploring these issues, of what it is you want to create in your life. To help with this, get a copy of the DVD The Secret, which is a fabulous resource to have, and watch it at least 2 or 3 times, and more as you feel it is needed, to really soak up this information. It's a great film.

You are definitely dealing with the issue of personal power in the world, which is a 2nd chakra issue – and this goes back to what I mentioned in the first paragraph. As you are exploring this, work with this question:

"Do I consciously choose to form unions with people who support my development, and can I release relationships that handicap my growth? Do I feel afraid, small, helpless, or turn over my power and decision making ability to others when in relationship?"
There is confusion going on for you regarding all of this, and confusion usually comes when you have given your power away.

Check out issues of shame and anger at your Mother.

You need to firm up your own beliefs and walk firmly in what you chose to believe in. It's not about what you "get" from others, but all about what you choose to generate for yourself from within – to have self love so that you can give love and attract love to you. When we consider new alternates and create new vibrational frequencies (qualities and beliefs, thoughts and emotional patterns ) for ourselves, for life and for expressing our selves in life, we can connect appropriately and healthier with others.As you explore this, also ask:

"What are the origins for me of this issue? When did it originate?" Find the place in you that still carries hurt and humiliation. It did begin way before your divorce. Watch out for any tendencies and patterns of self pity. That is also a victimized, powerless place, and that is exactly what you need to transform.
Then see what shows up for you. Be open to receiving guidance about this. You can even sit in prayer or meditations and say:
"I am open to receiving guidance about why I feel __________"
YOU are the one responsible for fulfilling your own needs, for fulfilling your own happiness. If you turned your power over to others for this, for safety and security at an early age, then you will still be caught in this pattern. Responsibility is the ability to be WHO YOU ARE IN YOUR FULLNESS.

Regards and blessings, Ayal

479. "I don't have any confidence and don't know what to do next"


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