"I don't understand why my boyfriend's afraid to commit to marry me"
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1.5 yrs. Both of us were divorced and 38 years old. We went through rough patches and tough times during this period of time as back then both of us were married but in the midst of divorcing our spouses as we had too much problems and differences within our own marriages. Please don't tell me we are both cheating on our ex-spouses. We do love each other. In fact, I can say back then one year ago he loves me and was willing to commit and make a lot of effort for me, more than I do. He was already separated with his ex when we met. But I was not prepared to leave my family even though we had a lot of differences and our marriage was on the rocks. One year ago, I was pregnant with my boyfriend's child but deep down I was confused, even though I convinced my boyfriend I wanted to keep the child. He was happy and made so much effort and introduced me to his family and even worked hard to prepare the room to settle me and the baby. However, I was not sure about marrying him and I never believed in abortion but I was scared. I can't bear to leave my son and family. So I made a drastic decision - until today I regretted it - to abort the child. After that, I cried day n night.
My boyfriend hated me and could not forgave me. I beg him for forgiveness. Finally one month later, he did but since then till now he would latch out on me and tell me nasty things about me. Until October 2007, he had a turn and treated me nice n caring and I can sense he loves me and even tells me let's get married and get a house this year. I was so happy that finally I won him over. However, perhaps I was too anxious and feared that he may change his mind, so I quickly asked him to view flats to get him committed fast so that he can't change his mind any more. But that triggered him. He felt so stressed, he is tired as he is overworked, got to work and teach swimming as a second job so as to save more for our future. He is pushing himself hard but it seemed I didn't appreciate still. I complained about him n that triggered him big time. He had a bad temper. He started to flare up and tell me he is not prepared to commit. He was a flirt n as such I kept looking at his mobile which he hated it - he felt I don't respect him at all.
But in feb, in order to assure me, he told his relatives and my parents we are getting a house n married. Only 2 weeks from now, I asked him to view flats - again he me he don't have time and tella me he is tired after work. Again we had a big argument as I felt he was delaying time. On Sat, he told me he will never commit to me in marriage - if I want, let's cohabit. He said he had a bad divorce and he has fear of marriage. Besides, he still has not gotten over the abortion and he told me I have shattered our dreams. Right now, he don't trust and can't trust me and he don't have assurance and has no hope in our relationship now to get married. I was devasted and hopeless and I kept crying.
But do you know the ironical part, during this one year he has made more effort than me even though I may seemingly love him so much. That's why he was saying he don't see the effort I made to win him over while he is still making effort for me by being by my side all the time, call n text me daily, and report to me everything he does, whereas I don't even do that to him. He do care a lot how I feel and I do sense he loves me but he's just too afraid to commit into a marriage with me why I just don't understand??? Whereas I may love him so much, wanting to marry him, yet I find it difficult to make all this effort for him and can't be that truthful to him as well. Perhaps he is not happy with my son, thinking I'd rather sacrifice his son to keep mine. But because to appease him I rather sacrifice the custody of my son which is so painful for me till now. As such whenever I meet my son, I would lie to him and tell him something else. I guess he knew it, just that he didn't expose me.
Honestly, if you ask me, I regretted knowing him - because of him I have lost my family. My ex husband has been waiting for me for the last year to return but now has lost hope and went out with a gal. Even now I tell him I want the family back, he can't trust me thinking I will never leave my boyfriend. That really hurts me terribly. Today, in the afternoon he called me up telling me he still loves me and tells me will still plan but asks me not to rush into it. Funny right, I don't understand one moment this, next moment that, I honestly don't know what to believe.
He told me he has regretted knowing me as well, not because of divorcing his wife but more so losing his child and making a loss in selling his house so as to hasten the process of marrying me when I was carrying his baby. So now you can see the kind of issues we went through and we had so much baggage and hurt in our heart. He called me just a while ago and started to complain to me about me still bugging him and tells me if he wants to compare he could easily say I don't love him because I never seem to make an effort for him, whereas till now he is still making an effort - even though this week it's obvious he has stopped making much effort, as he felt that why should he be making effort since I don't appreciate and still complain about him. All I care about is getting a house and married, I don't even bother about his health or wellbeing or care whether he is tired or stress after work. So he asked, don't ask him whether he loves me any more or rush him. In the afternoon, in the car sending me back, I asked him whether he still love me, he told me if he don't he wouldn't be making all these efforts and why I believe all these negative things. He said just because he said so, I should believe all. He wanted me to let him have time to cool off and cool down and stop pressuring him. What he meant was perhaps he is too stressed and flares up ,he says all kinds of nasty things to me. I don't think so. I think he meant them. What do you think?
So right now, can you help me to anlyze whether I should continue to wait or leave? I have no confidence that I will ever be able to make him change his mind and have the faith to marry me, as I'm not good at taking care of people and I am needy and insecure and dependent and need a lot of care and assurance. He is afraid that after marriage I can't manage my life let alone taking care of him. So my question is why is he still staying on? In fact during flaring up, he told me many times I can go any time if I can't wait. So is he waiting for me to go? If yes why tell me he still loves me? Still wants to torture or take revenge on me? Or because he too is needy - needs to know he is needed and loved? Or is he waiting to find someone else first then will dump me as I discover he starts to know gals in the Internet. I'm just confused as to what he is thinking right now? He could just leave me since he is so unhappy with me. Please help to enlighten me.
Well, it sounds to me as if you don't trust that anyone can love you because you don't trust your own ability to really love anyone. When a person doesn't know that they are worth loving, or when they don't yet really know how to love themselves (or others – you can only really love someone else if you know what it is, what it feels like to have love INSIDE OF YOURSELF – FOR YOURSELF), then it's hard to trust that love from anyone.
Your story tells me that you have so much fear and insecurity that you tend to jump out of one relationship into another – and that happens when you don't feel safe where you are. We can only not feel safe when we don't have that love for ourselves operating – when we don't have our own roots that anchor us, when we look to someone or something else to make us feel safe. Then we are like a leaf that changes direction with every wind that blows – we are not guiding ourselves but at the mercy, so to speak, with no anchor, of every breeze that comes our way. This is a desperate sort of place to live in – and as you said – you are so desperate to feel loved and safe that you'd even consider abandoning your family for it.
This isn't about why this guy loves you or is sticking with you - but the fact that you even ask the question, trying to understand it, tells me a lot. It tells me that you don't trust that you deserve to be loved - that you don't yet understand what it is to truly love yourself. In order to grow love within yourself, you have to have a strong connection to the Source of love - to come from that, within you, instead of being run by fear and insecurity. In order to connect with that place within you, you have to be willing to heal yourself of your fears, explore them, and grow your inner light and inner strength. This means to be guided by that place with in you that connects to who you really are - your soul or spirit essence, that divine spark within you. When you are truly connected to that, you feel safe, and then you begin to operate more from a trusting place that allows things to happen easily and gracefully, rather than making or trying to force them to happen.
Love is the energy of the Divine. Whenever it is invoked or even allowed to be drawn into your relationships, both people and other living things benefit. Whenever you contribute love to any situation or relationship, you are not only healing yourself and others... you are contributing to a lasting effect of love and sustained peace.
Love is the common denominator of all living experiences. When you apply love without judgment or expectation, you always produce a healing result.
Here is an exercise to use for being of service and healing to self and to others:
Close your eyes and imagine that your spirit is a brilliant white star. Now, in your mind's eye, (located at the center of your forehead), place this white star on any part of your physical body or any part of the physical Earth that needs healing. Imagine that this perfect ejection of divine love is pulsating with love, pumping it into that organ or into that part of yourself or anyone else, into a country or into a hurting place on the Earth. Imagery is effective in moving the energy of love to various needed locations, and this will help you to awaken your own love from within. You can perform this exercise any time you see something or someone, including yourself, who needs help.
There is a list of levels of human development, issues and fears and higher attributes that one can look at and see where you are located on your life path. It's like a ladder that shows you where you are in your journey of getting to clearer levels of strength and love. It's a ladder we all must climb on our journey as we grow into being stronger, more clear and balanced people.
Here it is. Check out where you are at, and then decide where you choose to be instead. As you make this choice, call on Divine support and guidance to help you on this journey, and you will begin to evolve and grow. It takes time, but it is the journey that we are all here to do.
4. Positive Expectations and beliefs
21. Fear/Grief/depression Despair/Powerlessness
To help Release Fear, I invite you to say this prayer 3 times a day for the next 6 months:
Also, it would be great for you to start a good exercise program, because when you exercise, you are moving old energy out of your body and bringing in fresh, new strong energy that YOU CREATE FOR YOURSELF -you see that you can take care of yourself and get strong from within yourself, not needing or depending on anyone else for that - it will help with your sense of self esteem and help you to grow your own, inner, as well as outer, strength - for yourself.
This is about your own sense of power and your ability to support, value, and take care of yourself. Read through this to get a sesnse of what you need to work on to grow that inner strength within yourself
- Where am I at with understanding and accepting that every relationship I develop serves as a mirror for myself, it is a reflection of my inner issues, of myself on the inside, helping me to become more conscious?
- Have I learned to see myself as reflected by the relationship I'm in? In other words, do I see that whatever issues I see in others are MY OWN, internal issues being reflected back to me?
- How well do I make and use the power of choice? How am I with personal and professional decision making ability and talent?
- Do I still have fear or doubt regarding my ability to survive physically and financially on my own? Where am I at regarding issues of power, money, self sufficiency? Do I get seduced by the world of seductive forces (sex, money, other people, etc)? Do I sell myself out in any way to get these things? Am I in any kind of emotional, mental, or physical bondage or attachment to authority, money, people, other power sources outside of myself?
- Do I set people up as an authority over me, as a boss, partner, etc., and then feel resentful, angry, lost, or afraid?
- Where am I at regarding issues that deal with personal identity and boundaries? How well do I defend and protect myself? Do I go into fight or flight? Am I able to calmly confront others and present or express my own truth about a matter or state how I feel? Do I speak from the "I" place, or from "YOU did this?"
- Where am I at in my ability to take risks?
- Where am I at regarding my resilience to recover from loss?
- Where am I at with my desire to create? How well do I manage creative energy, fulfill my own needs, do what I love to do, and contribute? Do I take responsibility for fulfilling myself and creating my life as I choose it to be?
- How well am I able to honor and care about others?
- How well do I manage sexual power? Where am I at with my sexual energy?
- Where am I regarding any need to control the dynamics of my physical environment? Do I have a need to control people or situations, and if so, do I understand that this comes from fear? Am I able and willing to explore what that fear is about and where it comes from?
- Do I consciously choose to form unions with people who support my development, and can I release relationships that handicap my growth? Do I feel afraid, small, helpless, or turn over my power and decision making ability to others when in relationship?
- When I feel uncomfortable, or life is going badly, do I blame others or circumstances for my problems , or do I ask: "Do I have inferiority, insecurity, or inadequacy up in myself right now?" If so, can I give myself love encouragement, understanding, and support? Am I willing to explore those issues in myself?