"I want to move forward but am finding it hard to let go"
I'm writing to you because I ve had a pretty tumultuous 2007 and I believe the events of this year were crucial in setting the stage for the next phase of my life. I underwent an invasive surgery in May, and I believe the condition was a manifestation of denied creativity as well as a rejection of personal power and Womanhood. It got to the point where my symptoms became un-ignorable and had to be dealt with in a very undesirable way. Around this time, my relationship with my boyfriend ended. He is a very gentle yet self-destructive person, but I chose to see only the good. I realize that I wouldn't have attracted such a self-destructive person into my life, if I didn't have that energy in me to begin with. I also realize that there is no need to hold on to anger or resentment in this situation, as he brought to light many issues that needed to be realized and healed within me. (And it is also very painful/draining for me to sustain such emotions.)
I believe that the surgery and breakup, though very difficult, were major blessings in that they forced me to realize the limiting patterns I held within myself, and that it's now time to make major changes in my life. To that end, in a few months I am going to a country far away to pursue my Masters degree. I had this opportunity a couple of years ago, but kept putting it off for one reason or another. I am excited about this new phase in my life, but I have a lot of trepidation about it as well. I have many fears surrounding survival and making it on my own - especially in a brand new place. My family has always struggled financially, and I was never taught to dream big. Instead, I have received the message that life is about lessons and struggle - "you can't always get what you want". While I realize that my parents were only passing down what they knew, and that I can create whatever I want, these patterns are/were deeply held within me, and I want to clear them as much as possible as I prepare for this move. I have a 'knowing' that the Universe provides, but I also have fear in me that blocks me from living, believing this fully and attracting it into my life. I also think that shame and feeling undeserving play a part.
In addition, I feel that I am abandoning my family (especially my mother) by leaving, as the concepts of 'family' and 'community' (religious) were central to my upbringing. The truth is, I have never felt connected to the city in which I was born and raised, nor have I felt deeply connected to my community or most of my family. I ve always had the urge to run, for as long as i can remember; but I have in the past viewed this as weak on my part, i.e., wanting to selfishly escape from who I 'am' - and that running away wouldn't necessarily change how I feel on the inside.
I have learned that I cannot blame anyone for where I'm at now; I can choose to change these beliefs, and understand that everyone has their own process I don't have to follow theirs. I sense that I'm the verge of something big, and I'm hoping that you can provide guidance on how to manage all these feelings as I transition into the next stage. I have allowed myself the possibility and permission that I may not return for a long time, as I am headed for what I sense will be a warmer, freer place for me. And the funny thing is, my family is not really holding me back anymore; it is largely me who is consumed by this fear and anxiety.
I would also like to resolve some things with my ex-boyfriend before I go, but I do not know how to approach this matter... it doesn't feel good and right to just 'let it go'... but I'm not yet sure how much I'm operating from the heart, and how much from the ego. Maybe it is too soon to tell. I am finding it hard to let go of him but I would like to do what is best and most healthy for us both.
Any guidance you provide will be much appreciated.
Hi – well, I think that it is a good thing that you are spreading your wings and moving on to something that calls to you. I think that it's important to think of it as going "toward" something that your heart and spirit are pulling you to, rather then thinking in terms of it's you "running away". Maybe as a little girl you wanted to run away from the dysfunction you saw and felt around you, and that is totally understandable. But now, as an adult, it isn't running away – it's choosing something that is right for you and, as you said, allowing yourself to receive it.
Have you ever heard the expression: a parent's job is to first give their child roots, and then to give them wings? It goes something like that. But the jist of it is that yes, first we want to give our children great grounding and tribal security (1st chakra, healthy stuff) but then we must be able to let them go and fly away to find their own life – to become who it is that they are meant to be, leaving the tribe behind. That is the natural evolution of life. Every child needs to individuate and find their own life and who they are. And if we have given them good roots, they then have their own strength to fly. When the tribe tries to hold onto someone, that's when the red flag goes up.
You sound very clear, owning your own stuff, and not blaming anyone else, and it seems to me that you are in a great space. It's natural to have some fear and anxiety when leaving behind what you have known all of your life – the trick is to allow yourself to feel it fully, and in this way whatever it is that you are feeling passes through you ... and you complete it. One way to stay present with whatever it is that you are feeling is to place your hands on your heart, and then close your eyes and just feel whatever it is that is there with you, whether it is expressing itself as an emotion, or a physical pain, or sensation, etc. Stay with it, be totally present with it, feeling it, until it is done. You may need to do this any number of times.
As far as your ex boyfriend is concerned, if you find yourself in fear, or not feeling good when you think certain thoughts, then you are in your ego. When you think and feel a certain way, and it makes you feel good, then you are in your heart. Any fear is ego. Be aware that if fear comes up, and it is then you want to reach out to him and grab onto him as an anchor, that is ego, and that is red flag time – my suggestion is, do not act on that, if possible. Instead, connect to Source energy through meditation, filling yourself with golden light from head to toe, in your heart and all around you, etc. Anchor yourself not through a person, but from your own connection to Spirit, to your center. Do some powerful breathing techniques. You can even take some chamomile tincture or tea to help you settle down and become more calm. Take a relaxing bath with candle light. Nurture yourself. Read an uplifting spiritual book, etc.
If there are things that you want to say, to him, that YOU need to say to resolve it for YOU, it is important to say them, from the "I" place. Here is some basic info on that:
Coming From the "I" Place: Taking Ownership for What's Going on for You & Releasing Shame and Blame:
If you say to someone, "YOU did this...", or "YOU made me feel (angry, sad, crazy, etc.) ... " , or "YOU are so.....", or "If YOU weren't so....", or "why did YOU do that?", or "I need YOU to do _________", you are blaming and shaming. Those are "you" comments, and "you" comments are usually always critical and manipulative, needy, and violating. "You" comments damage a person's spirit and sense of themselves. And, "you" comments damage their ability to trust you. They also make you the "victim", and only serve to disempower you.
If you communicate instead, by saying, "I feel this when you....", or "This is what I think...", or "I am wondering whether....", then you are not blaming someone else for what you are feeling. That way they are safe with you. You can also help another to be safe with you when you are in an upset by saying: "I am aware that I am feeling ..... right now, but it has nothing to do with you. It's my stuff".
It is easy, often, to feel bad about yourself, or feel bad about something and take it out on another. We tend to think that if the other person were different, we'd feel ok. This is never true. We ourselves CHOOSE how to respond to any given thing in life. We are not victims. How we feel does not depend upon what another has done, or not done. Our feelings and interpretations of what is going on can only come from inside of us. No one else can climb inside of us and "make" us feel anything. When you speak from the "I" place, you gain a deeper sense of inner strength.
You stand in your Power, because you are taking responsibility for what is going on for you. You accept that no one "did it to you", and that you are responsible for how you choose to feel. About anything. Or anyone. Then you are not a victim, or a victimizer.
When you speak from the "I" place, because you are aware of what is going on for YOU, your communication is apt to be less charged with blaming others or with your own unconscious emotions. You will be less caught up in the emotion you are feeling or in the situation itself. You will be able to simply express what's going on. You will find yourself speaking more factually, calmly, and reasonably, and people will be able to hear what you have to say instead of wanting to get away from your unpleasant innuendoes (blame or shame) or distressing emotions.
It could sound something like this: "I am aware that I am feeling upset right now...." or "I am aware that I need ...." Or, " I realize that what is going on for me right now is that I ________________", or "What I would really like to hear from you right now is this...". When you speak from the "I" place, your purpose in doing so isn't to get a particular response back from the other person, to get anything from them at all, or change them or their behavior in any way. It is simply to share what you need to share because YOU need to share it and put it out.
The Native American tradition of leaving your burden basket outside someone's door when you come to visit them also applies here. You don't take your burdens or your analyzations or suggestions or advise or insights about them into someone else's home (personal space) unless they have either asked you to do so, agreed to let you do that, and are willing to listen to you. (You can always ask for someone to mirror you. You can read about this in Marshall Rosenburg's wonderful book, 'Nonviolent Communication', if you need to empty yourself out. Then you are dealing with what you need to in a conscious manner.)
When you speak from the "I" place, you release the need to control, direct, convince, or manipulate others. There is no hidden agenda or ulterior motive. Most people have been taught communication patterns which attempt to coerce people by blaming them or shaming them in order to get what they want. When you speak from the "I" place, you are not telling others that they have to think or feel the way you do, insinuating that it is their fault you feel the way you do, or implying that they have to do something so that YOU will feel better, or more safe. There is no manipulation, no putting out blame or shame or should on them. You are simply, factually expressing and sharing how it is for you, how you feel and think. And it's ok that everyone's Truth will be different.
When we speak our truth calmly, from the "I" place, we avoid the pitfall of making someone else wrong, or trying to convince anyone of anything. That kind of authentic, honest, in tune with yourself communication is honorable and will be honored. To be a fair, just, and clean communicator, it is very important that you always speak from "the I place", without any hooks, "you" comments, or ulterior motives. You simply speak what is True for you. And honor it when others do the same. In that way, everyone is safe.
To clear yourself of any limiting patterns or beliefs, there are a number of techniques you can use. I often do a combination when I want to release something, using a few different ones to work on the same issue. One is to watch the DVD, The Secret, and use what it offers there. Another is to do Whole Heart Healing (look it up online at www.peakstates.com) and follow the format it offers. Another is to read the Laws of the Universe on this site and follow the steps there for transforming a core belief. Another is to use this prayer:
"Assist me by directing ___________ frequencies in this field, and anything and all that pertains to it, any damage and/or distortion or inappropriate manifestation, from the core level of my being, in this life or any other, down to the cellular and pre cellular levels of my being, through all the dimensions and generations, through all time and space, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually; Above me, Below me, Before me, Behind me, sideways, all Around me, and Within me, to the God consciousness. Replace those energies with God's perfect _________ (Love, Joy, Peace, harmony, radiant health, Balance, etc.) energies. For my Highest Good and the Highest Good of all beings everywhere.