"I can't even watch tv with my boyfriend without getting insanely jealous"
Hi, I hope you can help me because I feel out of control and hopeless with this severe jealousy that takes over me. I can't even watch tv with my boyfriend without getting insanely jealous when a girl comes on a commercial or a show that's attractive, and I take it out on him. I'm a highly intelligent woman and I also understand a lot of spiritual things, but I can't seem to move the understanding to my emotions or I can't seem to stop myself once I start one of my episodes, and they escalate as I get adrenaline coursing through me and I get angrier and angrier.
It happens with girls in public too - I assume he's checking everyone out and thinking, "ooh, she's hot!" He doesn't disrespect me so I have no reason to attack him like that. I also trust him not to cheat. It's like this a lot...
We'll be together, watching tv or out and about and having a great time (which we do when I'm 'normal'), but then a girl will come into our vision and all of a sudden I feel like an idiot for relaxing and having fun with him and for thinking he was liking and adoring me in those moments, because now this other girl I feel takes his entire attention and I'm forgotten and when she's gone it's, "oh, now I just have you." I know these are irrational thoughts and feelings but they come up and escalate and I just don't know how to control them.
I fear it's going to ruin our relationship. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be like normal women who don't think twice when there's another woman in her man's visual scope? I have always been this way, in every relationship I've had and it's ruined every single one. I don't want to lose this one.
People say, "let it go." I don't know how to let it go - there's no instructions with these issues. Can you help me? Thank you.
Hi. OK. Well, everything that showed up for you, no matter where I looked, has to do with you being willing and allowing yourself to be guided by your Higher Self now. You are being asked to manifest integrity and wisdom, and in order to do that, you first need to find the Higher Principles within, to be in touch, in other words, with your Spiritual body, or (true) Self.
The ego, or that part of us that believes it is separate from All that is, or Spirit, is what is ruling you. The ego's job is to believe it is limited in order to help us see what lessons we came in to learn. Because it is, in this sense, programmed to be separate, the ego can easily focus on and believe that it is alone, not good enough, useless, etc., - you name it - full of doubts - and it is therefore often terribly fearful. It's like having no real, solid ground to stand on, but you think it's the only ground there is - so life becomes terrifying. Do you see what I mean? The ego feels disconnected and can even feel as if it is on the edge of an abyss, or drowning, with nothing to hang onto, if it has strayed far into the realm of fear. But, even though our egos serve a purpose for us, to help us individuate and go through our own journeys and life lessons, at some point, we have to be able to get beyond the ego and merge with our Higher, or Divine, self. It's like a drop of the ocean finally realizing that it is, actually, the Sea - that everything that it is, everything that it is made of, is what the Sea itself is made of. We become what we truly are - just on a bigger scale, so to speak. When that happens, that is what has been termed through the centuries as "enlightenment." Our consciousness expands and we are enlightened about what's what.
This issue of jealousy and rage and fear and lack of self worth you are stuck in has a lot to do with the proper health and development of the 5th, or throat chakra. When our consciousness, or awareness has gotten clear enough, after our hearts open and we begin to understand what Love truly is, when we begin to live from Love, like a flower opening to the Light (4th chakra), it moves upward to the throat - and it is in the 5th chakra in which we are able to surrender our egos to Divine will. When we do this, we gain an awareness that we were born for a specific purpose and that life contains a Divine plan. In the 5th chakra is the desire to make contact with that Divine Plan. One of the things I was first told when I went to live at a yoga community years ago, was that when we are in contact with our Higher Self, our voice becomes sweet and melodious and beautiful. And this is why. The throat center is the center of mercy, among other things.
It is time for you, since you are now asking for guidance on this, to begin storing up energy through acts of faith and prayer (meditation). It is time, I am being told, for you to access 'Prana,' or life force, which is the purest form of energy. It comes in the form of the air we breathe, in the light that is all around us - that is why meditation and yoga practices focus on the breath, for as you take in prana, you are taking in that pure, life force energy from which All Else is made, and filling yourself up with it. Just the fact that we can't exist without air or light is evidence that we ARE this Divine energy, and cannot be disconnected from it, like the drop of water in the Sea.
So, your challenge here is to find the way that is your way to do this. Many find it through, as I mentioned, yoga, or meditation, or other spiritual practices. Personally, I don't think we find it by going to someone else, or a church etc., for it, because we have to be able to tap that Source and directly connect with it from WITHIN ourselves. Many people, however, can be and are inspired by others who are already doing this - And often, as part of our journey, we need to seek out those teachers or role models for inspiration and guidance, for a while, and that's ok. But I believe that you must find it, finally, for yourself, from within. Direct connection. It's kind of like working out, or lifting weights. No one else can build your (spiritual) muscles for you but yourself. But trainers along the way can be very useful. Just don't give your power away to them or make them your god. That God self is within you, and it connects to all else. No one else can Love for you, or be compassionate for you, or joyful for you, or dream for you, or make you feel worthy, or good inside. Only you can do this for yourself. You have to spiritually work out, and build it for yourself.
Where you're at is a good place to be, because where you have been has become untenable for you - and that is when we reach for something else.