"I feel paralyzed by past traumatic experiences"
I am having a problem healing from past traumatic employment experiences and it is keeping me from finding the type of job and career that I know I should have. I have settled for low paying, dead end jobs that I know I have had no business whatsoever being at. I know I can do 1000% better, I know that I am capable of doing so much better, but I am working far below my potential.
First, a little history. I have had two major jobs in the past that have affected the way I look at other jobs. The first job was at a nursing home as a nurse's aide. I was in a pre-nursing program at college and I thought that this job would give me some experience. I couldn't stand this job, but I was too scared to quit and look for something else because everybody was expecting me to be a nurse and I felt like I didn't have any other options. I was completely overwhelmed. I didn't like cleaning the patients, making the beds, the nurses thought nurse's aides were lower than dirt, the older co-workers were bossy, we had to move at a breakneck pace, and if we didn't move at that place, we would get in trouble. Even though I couldn't stand the place, I was too scared to leave. I had trouble standing up and speaking up for myself, and I let myself be pushed around. But I still stayed because I thought it was the right thing to do. It seemed as though I couldn't do an! ything right, but I stuck in there. I was eventually fired, unfairly, I believed. I was completely traumatized. I didn't want to work at all, but I had to.
I was still in school for pre-nursing so my mother got me a job in a hospital doing the same thing, nurse's aide. At first things were going well, but then I had to once again go at a rapid pace, deal with back-stabbing nurses, bossy co-workers, cleaning patients. Again, I was completely overwhelmed. I had trouble standing up for myself, asserting myself. Even though I said I was leaving, I stayed there. I was fired after 4 years and I was even more traumatized than the last job. It just seemed like I was doing the best I could at each job and was fired unfairly from both of them. After this second job I was terrified of getting any kind of job. I stayed in the house, barely went out for about a year and a half.
I eventually got a job, which was terribly low paying, and dead-end. I stayed there for 7 years. I would have still been there if I hadn't been laid off. After about a year, I got a job at a mortgage company where one of the job requirements was answering the phone. I was terrified of answering the phone the whole time I was there. Even now, I 'm ashamed to say I'm still scared to get any kind of job where I would be put out front, interact with people, answer phones. I know that one of my life lessons is the overcome this, put myself out there, deal and relate to people. I know that this is part of my growth lesson, but when I see a job listing like that, or someone suggests I get a job like that, I get terrible headaches, my throat closes up and I feel physically ill.
These past traumatic experiences carry a lot of pent-up emotions and symptoms because as I am typing this I feel the fear, anger, and physical symptoms like the experiences happened yesterday.
I don't quite know how to handle this. This block seems to be paralyzing me and sort of running my life. I continually look for jobs that are low paying and dead end. It seems as though this negative energy from the past is just weighing me down and that the world is on my head and shoulders. I was thinking I might need professional help, therapy, spiritual therapy. Or maybe I could do some self-help things on my own, meditation, prayer? I would appreciate any insight and advice you can give me.
Hi. Well, it seems that, as you know, a core issue for you is the ability to stand up for yourself. In your letter, you repeat a few times how you did things because others were "expecting" it of you, or you took a job because mother got you a job, or others suggested it, etc., and then you hated it and felt trapped. But you did not have the will power you needed to take care of yourself by getting out of it, even though you knew it was wrong for you. So, this life is all about you being able, growing this ability and strength in yourself, to choose what it is YOU want to do and having your own strength of will, appropriate boundaries, the ability to say no, and your own sense of self to do what it is that YOU love - not doing it because someone else's will overpowers your own.
There are issues to overcome of feeling defenseless and helpless and hopeless - that nobody cares. Often when this issue shows up, there can be, possibly, an issue of sexual abuse of some sort, so when this issue does show up, I invite people to look into that and explore it and see what, if anything, may show up. I invite you to sit quietly in meditation and, when you feel ready to do so, and see what you may see, ask about this issue, for your Highest good, to see or get information that is True, and let come what comes.
If something does show up for you, or, you get other information about what caused you to feel so defenseless in your life, then you have the opportunity to explore it and heal it, or get whatever other support you may need. Explore where it came from that you believe you have to do what is expected of you, rather than what it is that you really want to do, or love to do. Where did this belief originate that you don't have the right to choose for yourself? Then you can choose whether or not the support of some form of therapy would be useful for you, to help you heal this.
You are needing to get grounded in your OWN energy, like a beautiful tree (with lots of lovely room around it to grow), that is rooted and grounded so that it stands firm and strong in its own place. To help you with this, I invite you to do some grounding exercises at least twice a day from now on. The image of a beautiful tree with its strong roots going deep into the earth is a good one for you to use. Just visualize yourself this way, see your strong, sturdy roots going deep into the earth - feel the texture and dampness of the soil. Enjoy it. This will help you to be better able to maintain your own sense of self and get a better sense of the strength you have.
To achieve abundance and power in the world, we first need a sense of our own inner expansiveness. To feel expansive, we can't cram ourselves into a space that doesn't fit us, which is what you have done. How can one expand, if one is like a plant that is in a pot too small for it, with no room to grow? So as you feel yourself grounding, feel the rich life force from the earth flowing up inside of you and then flowing outward to fill you up from the inside, growing, like a tree, more of yourself, from the inside out. When a sense of panic or depression starts to overtake you during the day, just sit for a few moments and do this exercise. Feel the richness of the life force energy flowing into your throat like beautiful light, and filling up any area in your body that feels tight or tense. Flow it all the way up to the top of your head, and when you get to the top of your head, feel a ray of golden sunshine gently pouring down and filling up the top of your head and then flowing back down your entire body and then back into the earth.
Another thing you can do is to call upon the Archangel Michael to come and be with you permanently. He is a powerful protector energy. I'd say this prayer twice, and then trust that it is so:
Peace be with you, Ayal