"I want and need to gain trust and confidence in myself"
Dear Ayal, I'm hoping that you can help me with a relationship issue. I've been with my partner for about a year now, and in this time that we’ve been together, many painful issues have come up for me. The relationship has been a teacher for me on many levels and has provided me with a lot of insight and healing on issues I've struggled with for a long time. However I am starting to feel really scared because it’s become clear that I have a major trust issue with my partner. He is a good and kind man and I know he is trustworthy... but I grew up with a very unhealthy example of a marriage relationship (both parents had extramarital affairs), and I worry that I will not be able to take care of something that IS healthy and good. I understand that my parents had their own stuff to deal with and I don't want to place blame. I know that I have a choice to live differently and that I’m responsible for creating that, but I'm afraid I just don’t know how to do‚ this without screwing it up.
My partner is social and loving and likes to make connections with all people, men and women. However, I get extremely threatened when I see him talking to other women. And if we are apart, I have this need to know where he is because I'm scared he's out meeting other girls and that he'll cheat on me. I feel the need to call him all the time, and it's horrible because I witness myself needing to keep these tabs on him, and I know I'm not behaving in a healthy and respectful way. He and I have talked about this and he is understanding of where I'm coming from, but it’s at the point now where things have to change in order for our relationship to grow positively. I want and need to gain trust and confidence in myself, in us, in the universe. The lack of trust extends to (or stems from?) lack of trust in the universe. I don't really trust the universe to support me and I'm often on the lookout for any (emotional) danger on the horizon, which robs me of joy in the present moment.
I want to honor my partner and not put my stuff on what we have. I'm hoping that you will be able to help me see where my lack of trust comes from, and provide insight on how I can release it and enjoy what I have. Thanks so much.
Hi. Well, I think that it is great that you have been able to express yourself honestly to your partner and tell him what is going on. You need to continue to do this - increase expressing yourself honestly. This is a form of loving and taking care of yourself, which is exactly what you need to be doing. This is 5th chakra stuff, and as you work with this, you will begin to develop trust, because the 5th chakra takes the energy of love from the heart and raises it to the throat and then speaks it - so then it is YOU who puts it out into the world instead of waiting/wanting/needing for the world (partner) to put it out to you.
Loving is a choice, and each time we consciously choose to love, we develop a higher vibration and greater soul strength. So actually what you are doing when you work with the energy of the 5th chakra is that you are surrendering to Divine energy, letting that come forth out of you as Love through your self expression. Focus on feeling love in your heart - focus on whatever brings up feelings of well being and love for you, and then allow this energy to flow up into your throat - and then you speak from that place. Do this consciously throughout the day and throughout your interactions with each person. You have issues of feeling unloved and criticized, (which is a form of feeling abandoned and not valued), and it is this energy that is still playing out for you in your relationship. It's not about your partner or how social he is, etc., as I know you know. It is an old wound for you of believing that you aren't worth loving. This is a false belief, but it is still operating.
You are needing to find the love within, and grow that for yourself. I invite you to sit down and write 3 things you love about yourself. Every other day increase it by one more thing. In between the increasing times, meditate on the qualities you have written down. Allow yourself to feel how it feels in your body to have this quality - even if it's something simple (but still beautiful and important) like "I love to pet kittens". What we praise increases, and when we are in a state of gratitude, we instantly propel ourselves into the vibration of love and safety.
You are dealing with some 3rd chakra issues here also. It will be very important for you to work with healing your 3rd chakra as well. One of the life lessons you are learning this time around is forbearance, and this too, is a form of love. You need to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to gently grow through this issue of fear and abandonment.
When you love yourself, then you are never abandoned, right? We can only be abandoned when we ourselves believe that we are not worth loving - we have abandoned ourselves then, and the Truth of who we are. Then we think that we desperately need for someone else to love us and somehow show us our worth, because we aren't doing it on our power. However, we can never feel safe that way, or get filled up that way. The power to Love has to come from within. True?
See the bigger picture of what you came in to do, and know that it is a process - a beautiful, heroic journey. See your courage as you are making your way through your life's journey, and love yourself for it.