"I am lost and unhappy; my husband is a controlling jerk"
Dear Ayal, I'm lost. I've written you several times now. I am really at a low. I haven't been really happy for years now. It seems like the quality of my relationships and work is at their lowest.
My ex and I have been going back and forth for months now. I can't really say that I ever really liked his character from the start but I manifested the relationship (he was exactly what I prayed for) so I figured that I better stay in and learn about myself. I have stayed in this relationship (on and off) for 10 months now. I would've broken up with him from day one but I kept on thinking he is a mirror of me so I better stay in. Mostly he tells me that he would be nice to me if I would just behave the way he wants me to or that I'm crazy because I have emotions and I don't act steady and controlled. He came from an extremely physically abusive family. His Dad beat his Mom and his Mom was nothing but a servant who wasn't expected to think/have an opinion/ or even speak. He's emotionally abusive and he will say anything it takes to keep me around but if I express love towards him he pulls way back. He does criminal activities and doesn't believe that our childhood contributes to how we act as adults. We are so different but we must be alike somehow because we attracted each other. The relationship is not what I want at all, but I kept thinking that if I would just accept myself as I am then it would be reflected in him and he would finally be nice to me.
It's been 10 months and he is still a controlling jerk. He gets angry because I won't behave and be obedient. Last night, I invited him to a nice dinner and afterwards said forget it and kicked him out. He was calling me a pain in the ass because I won't act like an obedient pet. I don't care if he is a mirror or not, I'm tired of settling for somebody talking to me with contempt and disrespect. I've never been one to settle and I'm tired of it. I find it hard to believe my inner dialogue is that bad I don't think that waiting for him to mirror my healthy internal beliefs is worth it. Some relationships just shouldn't be. I don't even think I am that difficult of a person. I let him be who he is, I don't try to control him or his choices and I try to always support him, I give him tons of space, but he says that everything always has to be my way and that I won't compromise and that I need to fix myself, that there is something wrong with me. I don't agree with him, I think it's more vice-versa, but he says it enough that I am starting to doubt myself. I used to cry a lot and want him to love me and spend time with me and be loving towards me, I was kind of subservient, but months ago I stopped caring really and started paying attention to my own life and focusing on myself and my choices. I've been pretty happy since then but I know that it's not anything close to what I have felt in the past.
Most people say that I'm really nice and a good person. They say I look young and innocent and trustworthy. I do look young for my age. I'm 29 and I look like I'm 21. I know that the energy behind emotions cause disease so I try to keep my thoughts/life peaceful and I actually am looking younger. I believe in The Secret and Louise Hay. I have had a turbulent adulthood though, I have been divorced from a drug dealer, I was a step-mom, had an abortion, bankruptcy, was an alcoholic, smoker, socially smoked pot, been through too many jobs, relationships and moves to count. Right now I really have few friends and they are all guys. There is a guy who I would like to see myself with but he has a girlfriend and he doesn't return my feelings. I miss having a close, intimate relationship with a strong female. I used to have tons of friends and men loved me. Everybody used to love me with absolutely no effort on my part.
Ironically, I always find pretty decent work even though my resume looks pretty ridiculous at this point with all these job titles on it and short term positions.
Most recently I had a high paying Sales job, with a great office and title. At first, I put all of my time, attention and energy in to that job to impress my boss and other people. I really wrapped my identity up in to my job. After the first month, I was burned out and realized that there is nothing in life where you should need to put that much effort in to just be good enough . Something wasn't working. I decided that who I was as a person was much bigger than any job and balanced it out more. I still put a good effort in, it was just more reasonable. I went home at a decent time and did some things I found enjoyable. I stopped trying to define myself through my job and just liked who I was as I was. Without the 24/7 attention my numbers started dropping. My boss didn't come in to work one day and the next day told me that she couldn't be around me because of the negative energy I was exuding. She said I was sad and hurting and I ruined the mood of everybody in the office. I was shocked. This is not my perception of myself at all. I was still in a good mood. I just wasn't trying to be everything to everybody anymore. I couldn't believe that she was paying that much attention to me and affected by my moods, enough to let it affect her behavior. I don't agree with her actually. She fired me yesterday because she said that my personality was affecting the office in a negative way. To be honest, I was glad. I'm upset about the steady paycheck but she was really demanding. I don't want to work for anybody who insists that I be superwoman 24/7 to keep my job. It was very conditional, if you don't produce then I don't like you. That was as mirror of the way that I was treating myself before I woke up. There were some unethical business practices going on. She was conning a lot of our clients. It was one of the shadiest places I have ever worked.
Now, I'm kind of at a loss, my boss was my friend and now she and my ex are telling me that I'm the bad one and they are the victim of my emotions. Apparently, I'm so disconnected from myself that I can't see this in myself and my sadness and anger are reaching out and hurting people without my knowledge. They make it sound like I'm some sort of monster. I've always thought that I was a really nice person and that's usually everybody's first impression of me. My relationships are so conditional and I can understand that as my relationship with myself (up until two weeks ago) has been totally conditional. Lately, I've really liked myself as I am and I feel offended when somebody tries to tell me that I need to change to earn their love and approval.
Growing up my Mom was depressed and I remember thinking, why don't you snap out of it so that we can all be happy? My Dad worked 7 days a week and my Mom slept the whole time. When she was awake she had no tolerance for me or my little brother and would get angry at us for being loud or bad and smack us or hit us with a wooden spoon. Not seriously abusive, but definitely unnecessary. We were seriously neglected and I became a little Mommy to him. There were some good times too, my Mom had the same not good enough on my own syndrome that I appear to have as well. I forgive both of them. They just didn't think they were good enough as they were and needed the external validation of a job and a partner. I seem to be following in the same footsteps but I'm putting up a hell of a fight.
I don't believe in medication but I know I'm depressed and sad sometimes just like my Mom and something needs to change. Right now I feel low energy. Sometimes I will sleep when I'm sad or will drink or eat when I'm alone. I used to smoke, but I think I'm depressed without the cigs. I try to keep myself entertained, I see movies with friends, rollerblade, paint, read and listen to music but nothing seems to feel good to me anymore. The jobs seem the same, the relationships seem the same, the food doesn't taste good ... nothing feels new or as exciting, or as good as it did when I was younger and happier.
One more thing I should mention, when I was 26 I almost died. I was trying to manifest weight loss and I don't know if it worked or if I was really repressing some major anger but I ended up on an IV for a week from a UTI that infected my kidneys and then got in to my blood stream. I couldn't eat or drink for a week, had 104 degree temps, was dehydrated and sweats/chills and it was the most traumatic experience of my life. Since then, my life has been constant change (jobs, relationships, friends, moves) and nothing feels as good as it did before my hospitalization. I've experimented with myself over and over again. I've faced all of my worse fears. Spoken my truth in situations where others never would and have been pretty committed to myself and my healing.
There seems to be a pattern of me giving my best effort with no results and never getting what I really want. Personally, I think these people are wrong, I like the person who I am, sometimes I think I'm too nice and should be a little more opinionated and outspoken. So many people have told me that the problem is with me .that I'm somehow offensive in an unacceptable way that I don't know what to do anymore. When I was younger I should have been really unacceptable in every way you can think of but people loved me and accepted me as I am. I would almost rather go back to that time when I was totally dysfunctional but loved, approved of and supported.
I've tried everything. I'm loving, approving and supporting myself. My external life doesn't mirror that though. Can you help? I just want to feel happy and free again like I did when I was younger and didn't care about what other people thought. I don't care what people think now but I don't have any real intimate relationships, I'm not as thin as I used to be (but I look pretty good considering that I'm not dieting and the emotional eating) and I can't hold down a job and I seem to be poverty-minded and my reputation (bankruptcy and unemployed) and other peoples opinions say loud and clear that there is something really wrong with me. Other people get offended and angry at me a lot. The good things are that I am healthy as a horse, I never get sick and I don't take any medication (not even aspirin). I've lost some weight, my skin is clear and I'm looking younger than I did when I was 20 so I must be doing something right, even though I feel low and everybody says I need to change. I could use your advice. Thank you.
Hi. Well, it sounds to me that first of all, you are under a lot of stress, and that can't be good for you. I invite you to meditate 2 times a day for 15 minutes from now on - breathe deeply, let your being connect with Source energy (take a class on meditation if you need to), and let go of all tension. Ask that you be filled with calm, with yellow and/or golden light. Feel yourself expanding and connecting to all that is - trust your Source.
You also need to release fear. Here is a good visualization/prayer for Releasing Fear:
You are needing to work on issues of personal power in the external world. To clear patterns of thought, belief, or behavior that disturb our world. Simply think of such a pattern that is disturbing to you personally. Next imagine this pattern separate from the person or people involved - it's not who they really are. Then take several deep breaths while building up your irritation/anger about this matter. On a final outbreath, send emotion as a bolt of psychic lightning and see the pattern break. Bless the energy that is released and direct it toward a better purpose. This is a method of psychic transformation, i.e. breaking an undesirable form and redirecting the psychic energy that was bound in it to a better form. Please note that this technique will always work to good if the pattern rather than person is targeted. Where transformation is needed Spirit will power this process, and it will be successful. Ask that whatever work you do regarding this is for the Highest good of yourself and all beings everywhere.
Here are 3 other wonderful techniques for releasing old energy patterns.
1) Say the following prayer, 2 times a day, focusing on what it is you want to transform - one issue at a time:
Assist me by directing _________________ frequencies in this field, and anything and all that pertains to it, any damage and/or distortion or inappropriate manifestation, from the core level of my being, in this life or any other, down to the cellular and pre cellular levels of my being, through all the dimensions and generations, through all time and space, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually; Above me, Below me, Before me, Behind me, sideways, All Around me, and Within me, to the God consciousness. Replace those energies with God's perfect _________________ (Love, Joy, Peace, harmony, radiant health, Balance, etc.) energies. For my Highest Good and the Highest Good of all beings everywhere.
2) First, think of the things you are afraid of, for example, losing your job, getting older, not having enough money, losing your health or your relationships. Now release all those things as well as all the negative thoughts, feelings and emotions you are holding on to such as guilt, anger, hate, abandonment, separation, betrayal, grief, sorrow or sadness, feelings of being helpless, hopeless, used or trapped. Release feelings of pain, hurt and jealousy and all your different fears. Release all the feelings and projections of others that you have bought into.
Imagine that the most spiritual person you can connect with is standing right in front of you such as Krishna, Moses, Jesus, Mother Mary or Buddha. Feel the love this spiritual person reflects back to you. Feel their love and recognize that place of love inside of you.
A good place to do this release technique is in the bathtub. Take about 15 - 30 minutes where you won't be disturbed. Take off all your jewelry, including your rings. Place a candle in the room and use the candle to represent or reflect the light or essence of the spiritual person you are imagining there with you. Keep staring at the flame as you release all of your old feelings, thoughts and programs. Allow those things you are afraid of or have issue with to flow through you. You can either say everything you are releasing out loud or you can release everything in silence. Remember it is your intention to clear yourself which is most important.
Now, are you ready to do something very different and unique, perhaps the most unusual thing anyone has ever asked you to do? Release all the positive memories you are holding on to from your past. How many of you are holding on to the best Christmas you can remember? How many of you are holding on to the best present you ever received, your first car, your first apartment, the first accomplishment you ever had, your greatest success, or a happy, loving time when you were with your family? Food, sunsets, flowers, everything -- release it all. We can be holding on to all these events and feelings from our past, using them to judge every single experience we are creating today. Are you judging every experience of how it feels to be kissed now, to be held or to be hugged in comparison to a time in the past? Release every single thing you are holding on to from your past, keeping you from being in the present moment, experiencing things for the first time.
It is important to know, as we release these positive experiences, that we keep the wisdom, the knowledge and the joy of these events. All we are doing is releasing the energetic charges we are holding on to which still cause us to have judgments and make comparisons today.
The most positive things we are holding on to have more of an energetic charge than the negative things we are afraid of. Think about that. We are always doing our best to heal the negative things from our past but we don't realize we are also judging every single thing that happens to us now, comparing it to the old way we may have experienced it in the past. Once we have completed releasing all of the positive experiences we have been holding on to, either shower or bathe with fresh water. Releasing all the negative and positive experiences we have been energetically holding on to will enable us to stay present in the moment.
3) Flip Switch. Although we know the importance of feeling good, most of the time in daily life we forget about it. We are so busy at dealing with the "important matters" we meet every day, and we forget the more important matter: "To feel good and live a stress free life." At the moment we realize it, we are already in a deep state of negativity. The solution is to do a "Flip Switch" throughout the day.
Some other issues that you can be working on. First of all, the only lesson probably that you need to learn from an abusive boyfriend is that, as it seems you are already doing, you can choose not to abuse yourself in any way, form, in any relationship. The lesson here is not that one has to stay in an abusive situation, but just the opposite - that you choose to instead have and create and experience those things which are balanced, loving, joyful, life affirming, validating for you, supportive of your Highest Good, inside and out. You have chosen abuse in the past. Now let go of that belief, that you deserve to be abused, or that you need or have to experience abuse in any way. Choose the positive, flip side of that instead. Let the one go, and embrace the other. There is never any need to experience abuse. When you get this, and embrace loving yourself, all else will change for you. To aid you in disconnecting from this guy and his negative energy, you can say the following:
Assist me by disconnecting all energy connections from me to others and from others to me.
Explore any INAPPROPRIATE PARENTAL FAMILY MODELS - such as CRITICAL PARENT ENERGY. If you are still operating from this issue, then it makes sense that you would attract a partner who is also critical of you and abusive . If this energy in your family is BEING RESISTED by you ... meaning that, if there is anger or fear or resentment, (check out your relationship to the father - feelings of anger at him, or feelings of needing him to love you or take care of you) or issues of abandonment ... again, release it, then flip switch it to the positive, and embrace that. It is important not to resist anything, but instead visualize and feel what it is that you want, that feels good to you, instead. Then allow that energy and those feelings into every cell of your being. Breathe it in, and allow that to manifest for you instead.
One other thing I am being told to tell you about this possibility in your heart area - Mitral valve prolapse - you might get that checked out.