"I've had the feeling that there was something wrong with me all my life."
I have a lifelong problem that I need some help on. I've always had a problem with relationships with the opposite sex. I'm in my 40's, I've never had sex, never had a boyfriend, nor been in a relationship. Whenever a man looks at me or shows an interest in me, I do everything I can to "push" him away. To say I'm extremely self-conscious is an understatement. I just feel "weird" about myself all the time. I would think there was something wrong with the clothes I was wearing and if someone looked at me, that "something is wrong with me" feeling would pop up. It got so bad I didn't want to leave the house.
I've always dealt with the feeling that there was something wrong with me all my life and I've behaved as such. I've dealt with this from an early age on to present day. I've been reflecting on this problem and I keep asking myself what exactly is it that I think is wrong with me, but I never have an answer. I'm ready to take a spiritual approach to healing these issues but I have absolutely no idea where to start. I think that these problems are related to my second and third chakra, especially my second chakra. It seems as though all the areas of my life corresponding to the sacral chakra are a mess! I'm so stuck in these areas. Emotionally and physically. I say physically because I have fibroids, endometriosis, and some digestive issues. Could you give me some insight as to why I'm having so many problems in this area and exactly what steps do I take to start healing because I really don't like to keep living like this.
Hi. Glad you reached out to heal this from the inside out. That's the first, big step. So, let's get started.
The first thing that is showing up for you are issues of feeling unloved. Also issues of criticism, and resentment. What this means is that you came into this life carrying these qualities. You came in feeling that way within and toward yourself. If you do not carry within you feelings of love and honoring yourself, you will then create experiences in life, in the form of parents, or other situations, where that gets re-enacted for you over and over again. There are issues of being remorseless with yourself and also of being vindictive. You have just, in other words, been too hard on yourself, because you haven't had the balanced inner development within you of love and positive thinking. Due to this, you have to change being inflexible and unaffectionate.
Part of this has developed in you, I think, because you have had difficulty assimilating your experiences. Think about that and see if that seems true to you, and then ask, in meditation, what you need to develop within yourself in order to assimilate experiences easily and lovingly within yourself. Allow answers to come to you in whatever way they come. This has been the cause of the digestive problems, and many of the other physical issues you spoke of. When you say "YES!" to life, this brings vitality to your being and to your creative expression. Again - learning to generate love. So, these are your own inner attitude and energy patterns that need to be transformed.
One of the ways to do this is to begin to life life with enormous gratitude. Gratitude is an extremely high, uplifting energy that removes one instantly from the swamp of negative feelings and thought forms. Negative feelings and thought forms create negative results in your body and in your life. If you have lived your entire life swamping yourself over and over again constantly with negativity, it's like physically beating yourself up. The result is bound to manifest in your body as dis-ease, for that is what you are feeling and continuing to reaffirm within yourself - not being at ease with yourself. When you are not in truth or harmony or love with yourself, then you will manifest these thoughts physically in some way, because "thoughts are things". Thoughts are frequencies that go out into the universe and create after their own kind, after the energy they are made of.
Repeat this affirmation as often as possible throughout the "nows" of your day. Write it on a piece of paper and carry around to re-mind yourself:
Repeat this affirmation as often as possible throughout your day. Write it on a piece of paper and carry around to re-mind yourself:
It seems clear to me that this life you came in to get the crucial and essential lesson of loving yourself - of living from a place of inner harmony that comes from being in a state of love from within - self generating love that flows out from the heart and creates wellness for yourself and that touches others in a loving way. To do this, you must Be totally committed to using energy more appropriately and lovingly
Therefore, to start with, I invite you to say this for the next 2 years, 3 times a day, with feeling - feeling the willingness to live in this way:
Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?
Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart ma'am?
Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?
Tech Support: What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge, Resentment and Anger running right now.
Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge, Resentment and Anger. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge, Resentment and Anger have completely erased.
Customer: Okay, done! Love has started to install itself. Is that normal?
Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - program not run on external components." What should I do?
Tech Support: Don't worry ma'am. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.
Customer: So, what should I do?
Tech Support: Can you pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.
Customer: Okay, done.
Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Negative Self-Talk and Judging Others from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey!!! My Heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?
Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So now Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules and Love Upgrades back to you.
Customer: I promise to do just that. By the way, what's your name?
Tech Support: Just call me the Divine Cardiologist, or just "I AM." Most people feel all they need is an annual checkup to stay heart-healthy; but, the manufacturer (ME) suggests a daily maintenance schedule for maximum Love efficiency.
Remember: Responsibility is not about being dutiful or responsible to others, or doing what anyone else wants or thinks you should do. Responsibility is the ability to be WHO YOU ARE IN YOUR FULLNESS It is the ability to be all that you can be without harming yourself or stopping others from being all that they can be.
To come from the heart instead of the mind with all of its negative programming - think of it this way: the mind is just there to make sure the body operates correctly. To do so, it has to feel good. In order to feel good, the heart is the place you have to "think" from. In other words, when you find yourself thinking from the mind and all its programs, STOP. Take a deep breath, and feel where your heart is inside your body. Then go into your heart, and imagine rays of beautiful light streaming out of it. Feel these rays filling you up completely, every cell, every body part, and then streaming out from your body to touch whatever is around you. Make this a constant practice, every day, every moment that you can. The changes that will come from this will astound and please you, and heal you in many, many ways. If you do nothing else that is suggested here but this, this would be enough.
Avoid speaking or thinking or feeling or focusing in ways that support the negative, or victim in you. What you think and feel manifests. Flip your thoughts and feelings into gratitude and positive thoughts and become aware when you are thinking negatively. This takes discipline and awareness and will power, and these are then qualities that you need to begin to develop within yourself. You have allowed yourself to indulge in negative thinking, like an addiction, for too long. To change this, you need to develop will power. Going into gratitude when this happens is one good way to begin to shift this ingrained pattern in you. What do you have to be grateful for? Find 3 qualities in yourself each day that you can praise yourself for and be grateful for, and write them down - even if it's something to begin with as simple as "I take good care of my plants," etc.
You are here this time around to develop the energy of personal power - a 3rd chakra quality. What can also help you with this is to develop a meditative practice in which you invoke the 7th chakra power of positive prayer or the ability to manifest what you desire. To do this, I invite you to do 2 things. The first of these is VERY important for you.
Boundary Position - Eye segment block: issues of existence
In the first days of our life outside the womb, we urgently seek contact with those who care for us, usually our mothers. We need to receive unspoken messages which tell us 'Yes, you're here, you exist, I recognize and care for you'; to see and be seen, touch and be touched, hear and be heard. The focus for this affirmation that we exist seems to be the whole skin surface of our bodies, and more specifically, the upper head and particularly the eyes.
We are not really describing anything mysterious here; you can see parents and babies instinctively drinking deep in each others' eyes right from the start, especially during feeding, and there have been several studies of how badly affected a baby is if the parent keeps turning their attention away. The same happens if she is not held and stroked enough - enough to feel real.
We depend utterly on this fundamental validation, and if we don't get it at the start of life through our eyes and skin, there will be a long-term incompleteness and fragility built into our bodymind development A part of our energy will stay back in those first days of life, still seeking that primary contact which says 'you exist'. This insecurity can be seen in the eyes of the adult, and sensed in their interaction with the world. At least part of the character will be built upon a basic uncertainty about their own wholeness and reality, and every crisis of life will be experienced as a threat to being.
If the person stays in the same family situation this lack of warm human contact in earliest infancy is likely to be continued in childhood, and may be reinforced by frightening or confusing experiences that need to be shut out of awareness. This kind of history puts a particular stress on boundaries. Do I have any? Where are they? These are very real questions for someone with a strong eye segment block. With a 'yearning block', someone will feel a lack of wholeness. They may experience themselves as 'in bits', fragmented, 'all over the place', liable under pressure to flee or fall apart- There will be a drive to find some form of the missing primary contact: 'I must see, 1 must understand', a compulsion to make sense of things, to find an answer. There will be a 'seeking', intense expression in the eyes, which can be frightening to other people whose own deep feelings are sparked off by this demand for contact.
Does this sound familiar? It is partly this need to understand which draws someone to read - or to write - about the structures of the bodymind. You may also recognize in yourself the 'denying eye block', which seeks to repress this frightening need for contact, understanding and validation. Its message is 'I can't or won't see or understand'. The fear of what's out there, or what's inside, is so great that the person closes down their perception in some way, clouds or fogs or confuses, 'goes away in the eyes' as Reich puts it.
A small example is the otherwise sensible person who 'just can't see' some area of reality. Because of our training, for women it is often mathematics or mechanics; for men, it is emotions. We can't understand it because it stirs up too much: we cannot bear to keep our attention on it and re-experience the anger, say, of being put down in childhood, or the anguish in our own heart. For many people, psychic and spiritual realities fall into this category: 'I won't look because there's nothing there.'
On a wider scale, the denying eye block puts people severely out of touch with the world and with other humans. They feel 'cut off', 'unreal', but may well be giving out conscious or unconscious messages of 'stay away'; a coldness and an invisible wall which is their response to intolerable fear.
Fear is very much the key emotion with the boundary character position: fear of being overwhelmed. of exploding or imploding, of one's fragile foothold on existence crumbling. A source of denying eye blocking is very often the need, as a child, to escape adult scrutiny, to not be seen into. There is a lack of fundamental confidence which means a natural boundary between inside and outside fails to develop, so that a harsh and exaggerated cut-off is created in its place.
A good sign that we are occupying the boundary position is if we become confused about what is outside and what is inside. Perhaps we find ourselves seeing other people as feeling angry or afraid when that is what we are feeling, or perhaps we let other people's ideas take us over and dominate our own sense of things. Or maybe we mix up one kind of reality with another, mistaking our own energy for some sort of psychic or science-fiction 'attack' from outside.
All these experiences are seen in orthodox psychiatry as reflecting 'schizoid' character Structures. This is not the same thing as 'schizophrenia' but, one might say, a very mild version of the problems for which that label is used. These are the sorts of experiences described so well in R.D. Laing's earlier books, like The Divided Self. In a sense, though, Laing perpetuates the split he describes by writing only about the mind, and not the body. This is one boundary that tends to exist very strongly in such characters.
Eye segment blocking makes it hard to live in the body - one form it can take, as we have already noted, is the 'ivory tower' intellectual. It also makes it hard to achieve wholeness; the bodies of people with strong boundary characters often have an unfinished or unintegrated look to them - different parts may give contradictory messages. Sometimes there is a childlike, undeveloped physique, perhaps the large head and spindly neck of the baby who in essence is still present still seeking wholeness and validation. Someone really stuck in the boundary position will give off a deep sense of 'wrongness' with their bodymind; other people will instinctively tend to avoid them, which of course reinforces their isolation and fear.
Another form which this 'flight from the body' often takes is an extreme sensitivity to, and interest in, the 'psychic', 'spiritual' realm. However, because the boundary position is severely undergrounded, the very real sensitivity is quite undiscriminating. Genuine contact gets mixed up with complete fantasy, often projecting the person's own feelings and sensations 'out there' on to other people or 'spirits'. The awareness of energy, however confused, is real and strong; in particular, the boundary character will often be strongly conscious of the energy field surrounding the body - the 'aura'.
It is important to see how the needs and concerns of the boundary position as with every other character - are basically quite rational and universal. Every baby passes through a phase of contacting the world and other people through eyes, ears, nose and skin, and a phase of setting boundaries, making a sense of self which is secure against outside invasion or 'leaking'. Every adult can develop out of this 'eye energy' a creative enjoyment of looking, thinking, discovery, eye contact, flirting, visions, inspiration and meditation.
What we are calling an eye block, a boundary position, is a state where someone has not yet fully managed to create a basis for this adult creativity. They are still partially stuck in an early childhood crisis, and are reducing adult experience to these terms. By their very over-sensitivity, though, they are many of our artists, our mediums, our prophets, our seers.
Exercises to give a direct experience of the character positions necessarily involve working with another person, since the positions are fundamentally about relationship. If you have a friend with whom you feel happy to try it, then the following exercise should put you in touch with your boundary material.
Exercise to help with healing this:
Person A, stand with your back close up against a wall, pressing yourself against it and coming up on tiptoe, so your whole posture is 'up and away'. Open your eyes very wide, breathe high in your chest, without ever fully emptying your lungs. Person B, stand a few feet away, and holding eye contact slowly advance on A.Person A, experiment with saying things like 'No', 'keep away', and so on; let yourself go into the feelings that come up. After a few minutes stop, make contact with each other's real self, perhaps by hugging and talking for a minute, and try the exercise in reverse.
So, there is a lot of information here. Do what feels right to you with joy. Don't go into have to's or overwhelm. Just play with this and do what brings you good feelings. That's what this journey and existence is all about: bringing to and creating for oneself joy in each and every moment and experience. That's all you're here to do.
Many blessings, Ayal