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"I am desperately seeking a solution to depression"

I am desperately seeking a solution to depression. I've struggled with depression most of my life and didn't realize early on that I was self-medicating for many years in order to feel better. Now days and for the past 10 years I no longer abuse sustances and have been in recovery. I've done much work on myself emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc. and have been working with an alternative minded M.D. for the past 2 years, and am on a special supplement program for my unique chemistry. And yet these past few months have been very intense with the depression. I don't see where I am consciously creating this. I'm beginning to really lose hope that it's possible for me to heal myself of this. I don't know what to do any more.

It's very difficult to carry on with daily life activities, focus, be present and connect to Spirit as well as other people. As of my last office session with my Dr. it seems as if a there is a missing element to helping me balance out. I could go on and on about everything I have done from different therapies to meditations but I don't think its necessary to list them here. Do I have a chemical imbalance that I'm going to need to learn to live with? Am I repressing something so deep I have no conscious awareness of that's causing my experience to be what it is?

Any help in putting this puzzle together would be most appreciated. I'm willing to do what it takes to heal! Thank you.

Hi - Well, the first thing that is showing up is Shame and Anger in relation to something that you don't want to let go of. All dis-ease is caused by the denial of negativity within. Depression is the result of not yet having faced some core, inner fear or trauma. One spends all of one's energy into trying to push it down, like trying to push a beach ball under the water, and there is no energy left for anything else. Look at the word "De-pression" - trying to press something down.

It would be good for you to state this intention, really feeling it - feeling safe, feeling how good it feels to let go of that which you no longer need, as you say it. I invite you to say it twice a day for the next 2 years:

"It is safe to let go. Only that which I no longer need leaves my body."
There is something showing up from your childhood as a trauma. I'm not getting that it was sexual intercourse - in other words, the full act of sex, but possibly some form of molestation. If you can sit in meditation and ask to be shown what happened - if you are wiling to be open to receive guidance about this, then you will receive some answers. Trust what comes to you. If something happened, it is for you to find out and heal. When you do find it, it will be important for you to cut the cords that bind you to that experience. Read the article listed at the end of the home page called Cutting the cords that bind you".

You can also say this prayer:

"Mother Father God and Holy Spirit: assist me by disconnecting any energetic cords, at the core level, from others to me, and from me to others. Thank you."
I'd say this twice daily for the next 2 months.

There may be an issue of pride going on for you that has stopped you from truly being open to receive guidance. I invite you strongly to get in touch with your heart space./ In meditation, 2 times a day, for 10 minutes to start with, go into your heart - check for any issues where hatred may be felt instead of love, and ask to heal that. Look around in there - explore your heart - feel the true beauty of your heart, which is a wonderful and marvelous energy, once you get in touch with it, and then say:

"I am open to receiving guidance about _____________"
Then be very open, still, and receptive.

It has been hard for you to be receptive and to let go of what you need to let go of due to an issue of control. Here is what is going on for you about that:

Control Position - Heart segment block: issues of validation
A good experience of the oral position means that we have felt enough support from those caring for us to move forward into a more independent role in the world. Small children want to start playing 'away from' their parent - but still in visual range, with the sense of being seen and validated: 'Did you see me on the swings, dad?' Support is still crucial, but less direct than in the oral stage: the child is being held, not by the arms of the carer, but by their attention and their acknowledgement of the child's experience.

Through the kinds of experiences we - hopefully - have at this stage, we are learning about 'other minds': learning that other people exist, that they have roughly the same kinds of experiences we do, and that we can project ourselves imaginatively into their experience as they can into ours. Through play - especially play in which we are held in the parent's gaze, and play in which we ourselves 'control' and 'manipulate' the parent ('Now you be the baby, and you're sad because the mummy's not there, and then I'm the mummy and I come back...') - we develop a sense of 'mental space', of an inner world, and that other people also have inner worlds. Through adults' support of our play and fantasy, we learn to engage with an interpersonal reality.

What can go wrong at this point is that, instead of our experience being supported, it can be denied. The important adults don't join in with us, don't let us be at the center of a playful interpersonal space. This may be simply because they are themselves tired, drained and emotionally preoccupied. Or they may have a compulsion to dominate, 'You will do what I say and like it'. Or often they are caught up in a mistaken kind of caring, which is deeply undermining of our reality: 'You don't really mean that, dear'; 'Of course you're not sad, nothing to be upset about'; 'There's mummy's brave boy'... All these sorts of interactions masquerade as contact, but are actually profoundly out of contact with the child's true experience.

These reactions to our need for supported play hurt our heart. It becomes bruised, frozen, withered, numbed. On another level, it also damages our cognitive development, and prevents us, perhaps permanently, from learning about the existence of other selves - from learning to empathise. Ultimately, we may give up on any expectation that contact with other people will be possible, that anyone will see and hear and touch our reality. Yet we still have needs, of course; how are we to get them met?

Really only two techniques lie open to someone whose heart and mind have been blocked in this way. We can seek to dominate other people, by physical force or by force of will; or we can seek to seduce and manipulate them. (These options each relate to another later character position, as we will see.) Underlying either strategy is a fundamental lack of belief that other people are real, that they have feelings and needs, experience pain and pleasure. It is as if we have been stranded on a planet of androids, and have to learn the codes by which they can be controlled and made to serve us. This is the aspect of the control position which has led some therapists to label it 'psychopathic': if other people are androids, we can feel free to cheat them, hurt them, even kill them.

This belief stems, of course, from feeling treated like an android ourselves; it stems from other people's apparent lack of belief in our reality. We are seeking revenge. (We are also stuck in repeating what was originally an age-appropriate need to be in charge and the center of attention.) And yet there is no satisfaction in that revenge: our victories over others are without savour, because they fail to meet our underlying yearning for empathy, for heart-to-heart contact, for the recognition of our needs. If we deny that yearning, we are left with the option of hiding ourselves behind a 'false self', an outer persona which acts at being caring and loving and good, while inside we are silently saying to ourselves 'keep quiet, don't show anything, keep your head down, stay safe...'

The jammed-up heart of the control character usually manifests physically as a sense of bulkiness and inflatedness in their upper torso, especially in the yearning version: their chest is pushed-out in a dumb-show of domination, like a cartoon sergeant-major or society dowager. They are often fleshy in a rather smooth way, and there can be a shark-like mirthless grin permanently in place. Mussolini's bodily appearance is an exaggeration of the control position.

But of course very few people in this position are Mussolinis, or psychopaths. More generally, they are struggling with difficulties around making contact and directly expressing need: sometimes closer to recognizing other people as real, sometimes further away. Creative use of control energy comes out in leadership, in being able to take responsibility for group needs. Control characters can be wonderful hosts, the life and soul of the party, able to remember everyone's name and favourite food; they can be charismatic performers, basking in the love of the audience and able to repay that love by making everyone feel good. The potential downside of this is the contempt that leaders or entertainers can feel for the crowd; the cold calculation behind the host or hostess's smile.

The heart center plays a very special role in the human energy system: in many ways we could see all of the character positions as representing different ways in which the heart tries to express itself. So the control character with their locked-up heart is wounded in a very deep place. But always, the wound represents the potential for growth: people whose energy focuses in the control position are people whose energy focuses in their heart - people with 'big hearts', with the capacity for big expression, the capacity to look after others, to have 'the whole world in their hands'. What is often harder for them is to be looked after themselves: to balance out their bigness by daring to feel small.

Exercise
Person A stand with knees bent, leaning forward from the waist with back arched so that head is upright; arms stretched forward in front of you. (This is very uncomfortable. If it feels easy, you're not doing it right.) Person B stand in front, just out of reach. Person A tells B what is happening for them - e.g., 'my back's hurting' - and person B systematically denies everything they say - e.g., 'No it isn't, you're fine'. Continue for as long as you can bear it, then make contact and reverse.

When one is in touch with the heart, or we could call it trusting Life, or the Divine flow or order, then one is more able to Let things happen rather then to Make them happen.

I think that this has exhausted you - this need to push and control. I invite you to check into the possibility of Fibromyalsia. I don't want to add any more burdens to your plate, but this showed up for you, and when I asked, it said it was important for you to check into this. If this does show up for you, there are ways to heal it. Fibromyalsia often shows up when a person needs to slow down. This makes sense regarding your need to get into your heart. And meditate. I received this some years ago from a man whose wife had fibromyalsia, and he gave this information. It might be worth checking into.

My wife and I started on some wonderful products and when we were first introduced to it 93 days ago, my wife had been in bed for 4 days. My wife, Deb, has Fibromyalgia and 2 forms of arthritis and migraines and night seizures/muscle spasms..... she has NOT HAD ONE flare up of ANY kind since DAY ONE. She has (had) so many health problems and she is only 45. She sleeps ALL night with restful sleep and now, so do I, as I am not having to help her get through a night or morning of pain. She has even started cutting way back on all her "drugs" as they aren't needed. We calculated that between her prescriptions and the vitamins and herbs we buy at the drugstore, we spend well over $450.00 a month and she was STILL in pain. I don't remember the last week that she didn't have a flare up or a migraine or some form of pain at LEAST twice a week if not more and as of today, 10-15-02, she has been PAIN FREE for 93 days!!!!! Both she and I don't 'pass' the vitamins and herbs UNDISSOLVED anymore either as these products are all natural and absorb in your system so you literally aren't "throwing money down the drain." If you are interested, just email me at iowa_handy_dan at yahoo.com and put Fibro in the subject line.
OK. Here is the next piece. What showed up next is called releasing the burden of the ancestral tree. What this means is that there has been an issue passed down through the DNA and through the generations that you can release in yourself. It has to do with an issue of bonding. There doesn't seem to be appropriate bonding going on in your family - and this has created a need for affection, anxiety, but also blame and shame if then the bonding need is expressed inappropriately. All of this anxiety that is then caused has given rise to addictive patterns and behaviors and depression.

If one does not feel loved or honored or bonded with appropriately, one does not learn how to honor oneself. This is a 3rd chakra issue - honor yourself -and it is the magnetic core of our ego. If this core has not been given the right honoring and love, then a person comes from a distorted ego pattern rather then a healthy one. When coming from ego in this way, one is not in touch with their heart, or Spirit. When there is a problem with spiritual communication - there is a need to be in the heart, and less verbal - less in the mind. Try thinking less and speaking less, and meditating more and being in your heart.

There is a strong need for you to be more grounded. This will help the anxiety and instability you feel. Read about the chakra clearing exercise in the article at the end of the home page and do the one for the first chakra ( doing it for all is good, but if you need to just concentrate on the 1st chakra, that's fine.) The color is red, for life force, passion, grounding. Any exercises or visualizations where you imagine tree roots going out from your feet, or a grounding cord going down from the base of your spine and connecting you to the earth deeply would be very important for you to do. Sending a red cord down from the base of your spine 3 feet into the earth is very good as well. I think doing this 2 times a day would be good. You can do it when you meditate. Meditation is very important for you.

It is important for you also, as you explore the possibility of a childhood trauma, that you see if it relates to any eating disorders, but also check especially into getting in touch with and deeply honoring your body. You are needing to recognize your body and relate to the instinctual aspects of yourself. Grounding is part of this, but there is more. The body, as part of yourself, must also be honored. To do this, you can say this also in meditation:

"I now recognize my body and I relate to the instinctual aspects of myself in a balanced way."
Let go of any belief that you make mistakes. This may also be part of the ancestral DNA belief system to be released. There are no mistakes. There is only learning the lessons we came in to learn, that we chose to learn, and growing into something even more wonderful because we have had the opportunity to learn these lessons as we journey through our life. If there has been this belief for you, then it makes sense why you would not honor yourself and perhaps push too hard, from anxiety, controlling instead of trusting Life or yourself.

You are indebted to no one. You owe no one. Your only job is to be the best and happiest YOU you can be. That's what it's all about. You are Spirit having a human experience, and your only responsibility is to create joyous, wonderful moments and experiences for yourself. That's what we are here to do. And when you do that, the love you give yourself radiates out and touches all others.

Blessings, Ayal

446. "Why won't the pain in my arm and upper back go away?"


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