"I know I must 'do' something to change my life - but what?"
Dear Ayal, I wrote to you a couple of years ago... you helped me to look more closely at my own beliefs and behaviors and how they were affecting others in my life. I've looked at your site since then, but I had consciously decided not to write with more questions, as I felt I already 'knew' the answers on some level and would rather nurture my own knowing. But here I am again.
My body is telling me something. I had a couple of 'emergency' surgeries for cyst removals in my reproductive area (left side), and the doctors can't seem to figure out why the swelling keeps coming back at such a rapid pace. I believe this problem was dormant for years and is starting to manifest more now. I've also been having bladder problems.
I know it is my body speaking to me, and while I have some ideas of what it is trying to tell me, I get to a point where it's like I am hitting a brick wall. I'm at the point where I've analyzed the situation so thorougly (it seems), that I know I must 'do' something to change my life. And this is where I get stuck. It really feels like my mind goes blank once I get to this point in my self-exploration. I feel that I could go in many different directions, but I don't know which one to choose, so I remain where I am. Stuck, frustrated, immobilized... and knowing I'm the only one responsible to change it all. I'm feeling extremely unfulfilled in my job, but I'm afraid to start something new. I feel overwhelmed; 'don't know' where to start. I'm presently in a relationship in which I'm happy, but I also I have a fear of 'losing' this, and that too is creating great anxiety for me. I think I may be losing myself in this relationship and I would like to know how I can be m! ore balanced and self-loving. I also believe I am sabotaging this relationship because I don't feel worthy of this good thing.
I often feel ungrounded and unsure/unworthy of my 'place' in this world. I'm hoping you have some guidance for me. Thank you for your time and energy.
Well, I'm glad that you wrote in. It's great that you want to foster and nurture your own knowing, AND it is also OK and a good thing at the appropriate time to reach out to ask for help and support when it is needed. That's why there is more then just one person on the planet. We're all here to play a part in the story for one another at a particular moment- to be instruments that Spirit works through to manifest answers to prayers.
Let's deal with the cyst issues first. Since it's on the left side, or female side, and it's also in the female reproductive organs, what I am being told is that this is an issue for you of feeling helpless and defenseless. That may also be why you resist, somewhat, reaching out, and wanting to do it on your own, as you are aware on some level of not wanting to feel helpless. OK. This issue also deals with the feeling or belief that "nobody cares". It is, as you yourself saw, an issue of not feeling good enough. I am getting that there is some guilt going on, but I'm not getting that there was any physical abuse here necessarily, but that there was some mental abuse. What do you know about that? Does that ring any bells? Maybe from the father? Did he play favorites among his children? If so, this easily can lead to feelings of not being good enough and a sense of inferiority. Check into whether there are issues of love and hatred all mixed up together ( which also creates guilt) around your father with this, which would makes sense if you have fear about relationships, trusting being in them, and/or losing yourself. This needs to be explored, healed, and released.
A good prayer to say around this would be:
Your nervous system is feeling a bit shot right now and in need of some support. You need to check into the possibility of allergies causing some of this distress in your body also. I am getting that it would be really good for you to do a couple of sessions with a very good healer I have worked with over the years. If you are interested, write me, and I'll give you her name and number and how to reach her.
You are needing to understand more completely and deeply that you CAN heal yourself. If you are feeling helpless and defenseless, then it makes sense that you would not have that trust in yourself to be able to know that you can take care of yourself. This needs to be developed and gotten in touch with. There is a need to lose interest in judging yourself.
A great affirmation or intention for you to start using is the following:
This is a great technique for you to practice throughout the day to help you move into that place of knowing and trusting your power.
Although we know the importance of feeling good, most of the time in daily life we forget about it. We are so busy at dealing with the "important matters" we meet every day, and we forget the more important matter: "To feel good and live a stress free life." At the moment we realize it, we are already in a deep state of negativity. The solution is to do a "Flip Switch" throughout the day.
To do the Flip Switch, you hold in mind a positive image, a moment from the past that you felt really good, or just an imagined event that makes you feel good. Hold it for a few seconds. At the moment you do your Flip Switch, it will cancel out all the previous negative emotions. The key is to do it often. Don't wait until your negative emotions get big and dominate your thoughts. Kill the monster when it is little.
Do this exercise throughout the day and you will see the changes in your life simultaneously. I can't stress enough how powerful this exercise is; try it out yourself. Some people find it is hard to hold an image - my answer to them is just to pretend that you see. The importance is not how clearly you see, but how strongly you feel. The idea of Flip Switch comes from Dr Robert Anthony.
I think that this is enough for now.