"I find focusing on a task and getting things done stressful and frustrating"
Ayal, I'm impressed with your answers to others questions I've read as it seems you can read the underlying problems quite well from how the person expresses themself.
After some things stood out in my mind I did more research and figured out I need some internal work. I've discovered I have great intuition and try to make sure I always follow it. I have everything going for me and know I am capable of whatever I decide; I recently felt meditation will allow me to gain further control over my mind as I think I have a hard time focusing on a task. For instance, I have received some high marks at school but often procrastinate and do other things which I may find more applicable, fun, or some other excuse. Then when I get low marks I get mad as I know my action (or inaction) is the reason.
If I plan my day, I find it difficult to follow the plan; I think I lack discipline, or maybe motivation, but it may also be due to a sleep problem I've had since high school. I find my body just shuts down and I have to sleep at least every second day, sometimes several times a day. This usually happens when I am doing something I find boring or am not really into (like reading or homework) but has also happened when I'm more active from time to time. On the other hand I am able to do an all nighter no problem when it comes down to the crunch, and can work really hard on things that interest me. I also have a hard time getting up in the morning.
My goal is to wake up refreshed and work at what I need to get done when I plan to do it, and I get frustrated when this doesn't happen; frustration that often gets me very motivated to work hard and stay focused on the task at hand - but I don't think I should have to get myself mad all the time to work hard.
I'm also a 'tense' person, and have been told by coaches of different (sports) disciplines that I need to relax and it will improve my performance.
The other challenge I've figured out is I usually say what I want to people I know, however I am hesitant to do this with people I don't know - which doesn't make sense and is holding me back. I should be doing things for myself and if I am concerned with people watching me or what they are thinking to the degree it holds me back I must change this.
I am interested in what you make of this and what you recommend I do. Thank you for any assistance you may provide.
Hi - thanks for writing in. OK. Let's get started.
Well, first of all, people get addicted to certain emotions, just as they can get get addicted to external substances. It sounds to me that you are addicted to frustration. Frustration, as you yourself saw, is anger turned in against the self. So, the first thing that needs to be cultivated for you to get out of the frustration loop is more self acceptance. When you find yourself getting angry at yourself, frustrated, etc., stop for a moment, take a deep, slow breath, and choose to give yourself love and encouragement instead. Give yourself kind words, and this will allow you to relax that tension that you feel about doing it "right" all the time, and you will begin to feel safe. When you feel safe, you relax, things ease up, and then you can decide what to do next from a clearer, less tense place. This is cultivated compassion, and it must begin with yourself, first.
When you have compassion and kindness toward the self, you start to be able to look at the world with compassionate eyes as well, and this again allows you to feel safer - then relating to others becomes a whole different thing. To develop compassion and acceptance, your big life lesson this time around, you must first be able to admit the perfection of your own life, of yourself. You need to be able to see yourself with compassionate, accepting eyes. That means moving out of judgment and into love.
You seem to have an issue of indignation going on - of being too stubborn or "head strong" about what you believe to be right and wrong - you get indignant at yourself and perhaps at others - and indignation is again just a form of judgment, thinking that there is a "right" and a "wrong" way to do things. There is no right or wrong way - there is just all of us doing the best we can where we are at. Do we get indignant at a 3 year old for being 3 and only being able to do what a 3 year old can do? Do we get critical of them because they aren't doing things as a 5 year old would be able to do? Hopefully not. A 3 year old is doing what it has developed up until that point in its journey. As it grows, with love and guidance and understanding, hopefully, it feels safe to learn and do more, to reach out in safety, and then when it is 5, it is capable of doing what a healthy 5 year old can do, right? The same, of course, is true for all of us, in each and every step, every age and phase, every moment along our journey.
It's important for you to develop MODERATION. You are right on track when you say that meditation will be good for you. One of the great secrets of meditation is to develop the ability to live in that place between the in breath and the out breath - that place of balance between the polarities of life. It's like being on a see-saw: the point of power is the balance place between the 2 extremes, the up and the down - the fulcrum, I think it is. That's the place to live from, and that is the place beyond right and wrong.
Somewhere along the way, you developed a lot of fear of criticism, and there was probably a deep program instilled in you about "having to do it right or something bad would happen to you". This is a big burden to carry around, because it's like waiting for someone to whip you, or whipping yourself, if you don't get it right - and of course, then, there is a lot of fear behind that. When there is a lot of fear going on, we usually "check out" - we can do this by going numb, blanking out, leaving our bodies, or, perhaps as in your case, falling asleep to get out of the situation. You may fall asleep when you hear certain things or in certain situations because it is something you are not wanting or ready to hear or deal with, or feel uncomfortable with - so you check out. You also check out when you feel out of control with something.
There is a need to control the dynamics of your environment going on, and control is again, fear. We want to control things so that we can feel safe. This is a fear of the unknown - a fear of the unknown again means that you don't feel safe unless you know what's coming - but life isn't about control or about knowing what's coming - it's about feeling safe from the inside out because you are coming from your own, inner place of trusting, loving, and having faith in yourself to create the next moment in a good way. It's like being a painter, standing before a blank canvas. The artist doesn't know, perhaps, all that will show up on that canvas - standing before the blank canvas is stepping into the unknown - but he or she trusts the they will make something beautiful, will learn along the way, will also make some strokes that they may not like as much, or that work as well as others, but they will continue with patience and love and skill to let the painting evolve and to transform it with good energy until it becomes something that turns out as they would like for it to be What we put out into life from within us is like painting on that blank canvas. What we radiate out from the inside affects and actually creates what that next moment will be. That is free will, and our responsibility -
As I'm delving deeper into this, what is showing up is that there is a need to do some some work to heal some trauma that you experienced during your birth. To do this, I invite you to look up holotropic breathwork on the net and see if there is a good practitioner near you that you can start doing some sessions with. I invite you to go at least a minimum of 6 times to get to the essence of what you need to do.
Also, it would be good for you to do some healing work with your 2nd chakra. I invite you to look up this info and actually read the book, 'Anatomy of the Spirit' by Caroline Myss. It will be very beneficial for you. You can also read about it in the article on chakras listed at the end of the home page of this site.
This is also showing up for you to do - to say this intention as you sit in meditation. I'd say it 2 times a day for the next 3 days - being open to receive information as you offer it up: