"How can I stop hiding my "true" self from people?"
Dear Ayal, I have written to you a few times now and your guidance has proven to be invaluable. Thank you. I have done incredible amounts of inner clearing work and through self-love and acceptance have even been able to heal my body of disease without medication. I wrote to you about cold sores once and I have been able to heal those by recognizing that it was just anger that I was in denial about. Once I healed the issues that caused the anger the cold sores went away.
I have been through some amazing learning lessons and have seen my external world change as quickly as my inner beliefs. I do have a fear that I can't seem to get to the bottom of. I am incredibly afraid of public rejection and humiliation due to childhood abuse from family and classmates. There is a part of me that I am afraid to "put out there" because I am convinced that I will be met with cruel censure and judgment. Right now I carry extra weight in my body, mostly around my tummy area and I know that my body is somehow trying to protect my "true self" from ever going through that trauma from my childhood again. If I don't put myself out there fully and expose myself to the risk of rejection then I can continue to protect myself.
The weight gain happened after I quit alcohol. I used to be an alcoholic. The alcohol was the avenue that allowed me to "put myself out there" in public with no fear. Now my body seems to be reflecting my inner need to hide. This belief is so real that I hide from going out in public around people that knew me when I was skinny. I am sure that they are going to reject me and treat me with contempt because I am no longer "cool". This is similar to what happened in childhood and I continuously recreate this scenario with the men who I am attracted to. I'm trying to get the boy from the past who cruelly punished me to love and value me in the present. I know that this is impossible and I know that I can't get anybody external to give me the love that I need. This isn't going to work for me any longer. I recognize the issue. I recognize the fear. Yet I can't seem to push past this. I need help.
I've prayed to God and usually I get answers and guidance but right now I'm not receiving much in the way of answers. I'm thinking that I can go to those places and see the people whose judgment that I fear to consciously confront this. Will that actually heal this fear or could putting myself in that situation just make it worse for that part of myself that is afraid? I want to bring this shadowy part of myself that I am rejecting in to the light. It seems like I need to love myself as I face my fears but when I'm afraid and feel threatened I'm not feeling very loving. I was hoping that you could tune in to my energy and tell me if you pick up on anything. Do you have a suggestion on how to heal from this fear, to release the energy that's stuck in my body and how to stop hiding my "true" self from people?
Hi - sounds as if you have done a lot of great healing work. Congratulations! That's wonderful, and you are building up the inner strength and foundation you need to tackle even more profound issues. When we have cleared away a lot of the other branches and brambles, we are ready to get to the really thorny core issue or issues, and it sounds as if that is where you may be at. Well, as you know, healing happens from the inside out, so I think that although going to see those people whom you felt rejected you would take a lot of courage, it may not necessarily transform the program. Rejection from others is of course, coming from our own self rejection - it is an energy frequency that we are broadcasting out, and then people just show up to act out that part for us and be a mirror for that energy for us in our play. They are simply following the script that you have going on. So, I wouldn't think doing that is the answer. When you have cleared the issue, and then you see them, there will be no emotional charge left, so it will flow and feel different then.
I look forward to hearing from you to see how this has worked for you and how you are doing in the near future.
Keep up the good work!