"Sometimes I feel like I'm just not equipped for life changes emotionally"
Actually I was thinking-re-thinking my question to you after I sent it the first time so it's like a second chance to ask -- kind of deepened my questioning since then. Now I've got to send this as I am picking it at it and editing... (this is the last thing I will type...)
Hmm where do I begin... I've found so many connections to previous questions -- especially ones about self-love, finance-worth issues, jealousy, and believing in one's self.
I guess I started becoming more aware of what I was creating about 10 years ago. When I read the Laws of the Universe I was just nodding my head -- although not sure that I am effectively taking 100% responsibility for my reality, I do believe that I am responsible for it and I get the mirror and I'm always explaining the god-Oneness. I am very hard on myself so seeing the mirror tends to just fade into self-blame and self-destructiveness in reaction to what I'm creating -- mostly in finances and relationships.
Without giving too much credence to comparison to somebody else's experience, I do feel like I get wrapped up in my emotional struggles to the point of exaggeration and self-indulgence in my perspective. My situation is not so bad, I just see it that way. I often compare to other people's experience and put myself down or feel guilty for feeling so sad when I probably just made it up in my head and there's plenty of struggles in the world that make mine seem petty. A phrase that stuck to me once is: trapped in the world of other peoples' thoughts. I guess anyone feels their own version of pain in life but somehow I just know that I could be a lot stronger in getting up when I get knocked down.
Right now I am living in Japan and recently changed my job after being unemployed for a month. Not so bad for some people but when there's no financial reserves it's just sinking from bad to worse. Especially since in Japan payday comes once a month. Anyway so in my worklife I made a big change from teaching to headhunting. It's a lot more challenging and very performance-based and just in general a rough line of work. I studies art in university but haven't gotten into any artmaking in the 'real world', I yearn for a creative life outside of the pursuit of material wealth. That's really not me, I just want to clear my debts and re-assess my work life. Of course living within my means, but not blowing-up my station in life along some endless wealthy superhighway. I know that's nowhere. For living and surviving, however, my supply-level maintennance skills are highly disfunctional -- thats the least judgmental way I know how to describe it. I always hit the wall and get flat broke at some point during the month. I always spend all of my money! What is THAT about? I guess worth??
My girlfriend, who I've been together with for just about 3 months, is on vacation overseas for 5 weeks. I'm missing her very much and at times not sure if she feels the same, maybe to the point of wanting her to express it in a way that caters to my needyness, my wanting to feel loved, that confirmation is often something I really want -- but that is just controlling, like she has to *do* something -- I'm sure that's unnecessary.
In general I think I'm just not so good at taking care of myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm just not equipped for life changes emotionally. Just not equipped for life -- like what am I doing here? I'm a freak, I'm a weirdo, I don't belong here... Recently I lapse into periods of deep sadness just thinking about my girlfriend and wondering if I might have already messed up our relationship by being overly demanding emotionally. She's good at taking care of her self-needs, so my needyness is laid bare, I feel it's obvious and even a bit embarrasing. I want to love her the right way -- give her the space she needs and love myself so I can be a good guy for her. I've been noticing my jealous feelings and often think things like, 'wow that guy would really be good for her, I hope she doesn't fall in love with him.' I'm also paranoid right now about her being on her wonderful beach vacation -- that she might meet some great guy and in the romance of it all lose her feeling for me. I KNOW it's 'just in my head' but also realize that the more I think it the more possible it becomes. Then I get really down, and feel bascially hopeless. If something goes wrong with us I get a strong hollow feeling, I feel listless and hopeless. We come from different cultures and can speak eachother's languages at an intermediate level. So sometimes there's things we cant get across in words or it takes time. I used to think that was so romantic -- loving through the language barrier -- but now I think it is more of a challenge to be considered and it takes patience and most of all just love.
A while ago she expressed concern about my money spending habits, since I have been broke a few times since we started being together. In previous relationships I have been given money and still didn't pay it back. But she has never helped me by giving me cash -- something that I think is really much better for me, to get off my ass and work out my own situation without her 'helping me out'. Actually when she left for vacation my finances went from bad to worse and I'm really glad it happened when she wasn't around. When she told me she was concerned at first I was defensive and then felt a bit hurt -- like I was just going through a rough patch and she should understand if not help me through it. I felt that hollow feeling then, I was terrified she was going to leave. It's not her stuff -- I know that, just I felt like if she was putting up a condition that I would have to meet for her to love me that if I didn't change my habits quickly enough or over time she might just leave me. So that was really freaking me out for a while. I know it's kind of a good sign, in a way, if I consider that she is really supporting me more by telling me that it makes her concerened. Japanese feedback tends to lag a bit, timewise, so things build up sometimes and I feel dissed when I don't know she's upset about something until it builds up and she gets fed up. So I felt judged and it made me nervous. I'm still nervous about it. I haven't exactly been cultivating my financial habits in a healthy direction so far in my life so it's a big pressure to change, like another penalty of failure. I just wish she would just tell me it's all okay sometimes. Yeah, that's not being responsible but I know it would be so great to hear that. Is that too much to ask? I don't want her to give me money, just to be there for me through the dark times.
There were alot of dark times in my family life, regarding finances, my father was constanly over-spending and not managing the money well. My parents finally divorced after being married for 19 years when I was a freshman in high school. My father had an affair with a patient of his and my mom kicked him out. My reaction was that the event demolished my views of love and marriage. Right now my relationship with my father is basically non-existant. Better with my mother but still needed to get her help financially just recently. That kind of thing seems to put me on trial -- like now that I've borrowed money AGAIN, I better get my act together. Interestingly, there were simliar issues in my girlfriend's family: her mother left her father after a long marriage apparently because he didn't give her enough money from the profits of the family business, a restaurant that closed down several years ago.
That ties in to the new job -- its a kind of make or break situation, I have all these debts and I really want to clear everything off financially speaking and start fresh. It's not like I have a mortgage or huge credit card debts but I really maxed out my student loans and it's a mess I need to deal with. So I'm not feeling okay about that.
I'm putting myself under heavy pressure to perform financially and emotionally and wondering when I'll start really living my life. I can usually see the just-before decisions of my actions but seem to repeat unhealthy patterns ad-nauseum. I've burned so many bridges in relationships and personal efforts that my way tends to be, 'I'll burn that bridge when I cross it,' rather than crossing the bridges when I get to them...
I've been on the edge of some personal breakthrough but always just falling short of activation threshold. Seems like what I know to do, what I believe about my role in creating my reality and what I'm actually creating are unnecessarily and rediculously askew. I always thought it would take some near-death experience or miraculous event for my mind to break through the membrane. I did a vision quest a few years ago but think I was just in my head and didnt let it happen enough. I did see my spirit animal though, its the mountain lion, bobcat, or lynx... it came right up to me and looked at me for a bit then turned around and walked away. The medicine man told me I should call on the Waukheon when I needed its power in life, by using the shell from my ceremony to scatter some water and then it would likely rain with thunder. Of course I had so many fears and expectations before I started it, such as that it would be blazing hot and I would be starving in the sun -- it ended up that it was rainy and very cold the whole time. I actually even felt disappointment -- which led into guilt about that -- my thoughts were, "how can I be feeling disappointed with my vision quest?? It's a mirror [I was clear about the mirror at that point in my life], so I should notice my disappointment and go beyond that..."
My mind goes into thinking that is deconstructive and destructive, and I just loop, like a slow-motion plane crash into the mountains -- down, down, down... and then again. Dramatic as plane crashes go, of course. I have crashed my plane many times. I want to fire the pilot -- wait! I'm the pilot. Ha ha! But it's not so funny when I'm going down.
Have I encrypted my truth? I've become very good at that -- complicating what could it itself be just a beautiful simplicity. One thing I am good at though is laying myself bare. I have a hard time not taking my personal/emotional dramas with me to work. As for not taking my work home with me, well, that's no problem. But if something happens with my girlfriend or I have some pesonal disappointment, it's hard to keep it off of my face and I might even seek solace in unsafe company.
Now, for instance, I am wanting to talk to my girlfriend, so much. It's not really possible for us to talk much during the week because of the hours I can call there and my long work schedule. But I know she is just doing her thing, surfing and 100% being -- her energy is so beautiful and alive. I think I'm actually jealous of her energy. Why would I think I'm not able to be that way with myself?? It's just that time of day there, and this time of day here. There is no real problem and no reason for me to go down, but here I am. 2 more weeks and she'll be back. 5 weeks seems so long when you've been together for a few months. If I don't talk to her for a while my thinking gets dark and I start to indulge in paranoid fantasies. Then when I finally talk to her again it all just goes poof and I can see the sillyness of it. But I KNOW it's silly even when I'm in it -- WHAT the hell am I doing here??
I KNOW it is a simple magic, a real magic of being that I always have access to. I just want to convince myself that I deserve to be myself at my best! And then BE it!
Hi - What you are needing to focus on is your ability to let go of the garbage of the past. You are holding onto it, and it needs to be released. Crudely put, it's like being emotionally constipated. Imagine if one never went to the bathroom for 20 years!! Blocks you up, to say the least.
I invite you to say the following, 2 times a day for the next 3 months:
You are also too tied into the collective unconscious. As a sensitive guy, you are picking up the mass consciousness energy. You need to separate off from that and release yourself from it. One way to do that is to do a visualization where you imagine the mass consciousness energy, maybe as a big bubble, and see yourself cutting your cords to it. This doesn't mean that you are removing yourself from life or people, but what you are doing is removing yourself from that level of lower consciousness thinking and energy so that a higher way of being can be tapped into.
I also invite you to say the following: 3 times a day for the next 2 years:
It is important that you are able to detach from hurt or grief in order to find whatever wisdom came out of any injuries or traumas you have experienced and see how it has become part of your sacred contract to empower you. Learning to deal with necessary losses is part of everyone's contract. Although we feel physical and emotional pain, our spiritual purpose is to become aware of the reasons for such events, to create meaning out of them. This transforms your experiences into a spiritual passageway, converting the actual experience into its symbolic purpose.
That's enough for now. I think if you follow these techniques, you will start to see some major changes.