"I do not know how to love and be close to someone"
i am with a wonderful wonderful man...he loves me very much. or at least he is trying to. i have a history of being a commitment phobic person....and i am actively acting that out in this relationship. even while i try to create distance i know i still want to be with him...but i feel torn all the time. and i knew the day would come when he, the self respecting man he is, would not be able to stay with me until i made a change. we had a big conversation tonight. i had all of these ideas about how i can combat my 'boredness' in our relationship (my unconscious way of creating more distance) and everything i suggested he listened too and at the end just told me that once again i was trying to keep him at arms length. he recently told me he loved me and i liked that, and i want to love him...i just dont know how. i dont know how it feels. he is taking the weekend to decided wether or not i am someone he can continue to be with and he suggests i do the same since i so obviously try to keep him at arms length. and its like i dont want to, but i do still. i want to let myself love him, and love in general, and love myself but i dont know how to do any of this. i dont want to lose him, i feel devastated at the fact that he might come back after this weekend and decide that he is going to end it. but i dont know how to get past this, it feels like a mountain that i dont know how to move. i feel like he could be the best man i ever met, but then why dont i just get over this and let myself fall in love?? do you have any suggestions for working with this? i want to make a change, i wanted to make a change in myself since i met him, but i just havent known how to do that.
thank you for your help and time
Hi - well, the reason that it is so hard for you to give love, is that you felt unloved and criticized as a child, and you are harboring resentment about it. You are experiencing this as part of your karma, I am being told... so what that says to me is that you are learning the life lesson that to get love, one must give it - and if we are critical of others, we will then experience that ourselves. Karma is like a boomerang - whatever we put out comes back to us. All of life is like that - whatever we put out comes back to us. That's the mirror for us to look in so we can see what we are doing with our energy.
Because you have been in negative energy around you since you were a child, there are some negative entities in your space, hanging around you. What you need to do to clear this are 2 things:
1) Say the following prayers, and follow the techniques offered - I'd invite you to do these each twice in a 3 day period of time:
- Negative entities:
"Archangel Michael: Please come to me and escort these beings away right now! (The Band of Mercy escorts them to the Light.) Thank you."
- Releasing Fear:
"Archangel Michael, I call upon you now to clear and vacuum the effects of fear." (See Michael holding a vacuum tube, and direct him where in their body to vacuum your child, another, or yourself. Ask permission first of the person. The tube actually enters the body, can clean all organs, chakras, etc. Then ask Michael to fill the spaces cleared with white light. (You can see the vacuum cleaner changing switches to send in the light.)
Can vacuum a room also. Or a relationship.
- To heal the effects of a psychic attack:
"Archangel Raphael, please enter my body and heal any imbalances and impurities that may have come from thoughts of anger or fear. Archangel Michael, please clear away anyone in the spirit world or material world who is not in my highest and best good. To the guardian angels of _____________ (person who did the psychic attack) who psychically attacked me, I ask that you help to bring harmony and peace to this situation and to replace all pain with peace. I ask that all effects of mistakes and issues creating the attack that were made be undone in all directions of time, by and for everyone concerned. Thank you."
- The Pink Shield of Protection:
Visualize yourself standing in a tube of pink light that surrounds you like a wall of light (about 12 inches away from your body, completely surrounding you). The pink light is alive and it emanates strong, loving energy - like a sun giving off strong rays of light. The pink light sends strong love inwardly to you and also sends strong love outwardly to anyone you meet. Nothing but love can penetrate this wall of pink light that surrounds you now.
- To Protect Someone or Yourself with Angels:
"God, I ask that You send protective angels to me now. Please surround me with extra angels to watch over, guide, and protect me Please let me know if I need to do anything to help with this process. Thank you."
2) Buy some epsom salts, some 100% proof everclear whiskey, and get a stainless steel or cast iron small frying pan. Put a cup of the epsom salts in the pan, then pour about a capful of the everclear on it. Light in with a match. Be careful, as the whiskey is highly flammable. Make sure that you have the bottle away from the match with the cap back on and tightly closed. There will be small blue flame created in the pan. Walk around your home, to each room with this pan, and also smudge yourself with it - moving the pan around yourself carefully. If the fire goes out, add a bit more everclear, and re-light it. This will clear you and your space of negative energy.
I also invite you to look up the Merkaba meditation CD on the net. It would be very good for you to order it, and do the meditation for 21 days in a row - that sets the Merkaba energy in place around you. This is a powerful, balancing, very sweet, gentle meditation that will balance your being - it will also help to bring into harmony your inner masculine and feminine aspects of yourself, as well as give you protection and fill you with light and good energy. There may be a few things during the meditation that you may not understand what to do, as he takes you through it - so if you are not sure, just e-mail me, and I'll explain what he is telling you to do.
The energies that heal our lack of loving others or ourselves are forgiveness and compassion. When I speak of forgiveness, it is not in the typical sense most people think of it, which is that I am a victim and someone did something bad to me, but I forgive you anyway. No - we want to get away completely from any belief that we are a victim, because victims never heal, because they believe that they have no power, that they did not create their life situations and experiences. What I am speaking about here is called "Radical Forgiveness".
Radical Forgiveness obliterates the belief in separation by taking us beyond the drama and the illusion of our lives and the "stories" we fabricate about virtually everything. It enables us to see the spiritual big picture and to know the truth - that there is only Love.
As we awaken to that truth we shall see the true meaning of our suffering and be able to transform it immediately - releasing the perception of self-as-victim. We will understand that, without exception, everything that happens to us is divinely guided, purposeful and for our spiritual advancement.
We shall see that our experiences are exactly as we needed and chose them to be; that nothing wrong ever took place; that no-one was ever victimized and, consequently, that there is no-one to forgive!
Knowing that our life is guided in this way allows us to find true peace even in the most unpleasant of situations or memories - and we are released from the bondage of the past. Knowing that our enemies really love us (at the soul level) and are here only to teach us, enables our hearts to open in love and appreciation. As the love is felt and expressed, our so-called "problems" simply dissolve and we find ourselves at all times "in the flow" of life.
True forgiveness then, is not as is widely regarded, 'letting bygones be bygones' while holding on to the idea that something wrong happened. It is letting go of our victim selves, seeing the perfection in everything and awakening to the truth that we are already home in God. That's RADICAL Forgiveness and though it is hard to imagine that it can change the world as it is today, the truth is that it can - one heart at a time.
As you develop this quality, your heart will begin to grow in compassion - but first you must learn to have compassion for yourself. That means that you give yourself kindness - that you treat yourself gently - that even if you feel you haven't "made it" yet, you still love yourself, and encourage yourself gently, and just as you would gently help a child up who has fallen down, you do this with yourself. You learned the opposite as a child - you learned not to trust and that is why you keep others away, because you expect to be treated with harshness and anger and criticism - all that is NOT love. Now you must teach yourself what love really is - and it is NOT those things.
As you develop the qualities of being able to stay in the present moment, from a place of trust, when you are able to recognize when you are caught in a false belief, or an illusion - believing, in other words, what is not true, and when you are able to tune into your inner guidance, ( meditation is the answer to this one) then you are well on your way to developing the ability to love.
When you trust life, which means trusting yourself, trusting that you are worth loving - when you love yourself, in other words, you will be able to love others. You did not experience this as a child, but since you are asking to learn how to do it now, this tells me that you have come into this life for the purpose of healing perhaps any lifetimes of not loving. That is wonderful, and you CAN do it this time around, because you are choosing to, want to, and are willing to do so. From the standpoint of the soul, crisis occurs when we are ready to move on, when it is time to take another step in our spiritual unfoldment.
So, given that, it would be important for you to say the following twice a day for the next 4 months:
That's enough for now.